You Can’t See Anything! | Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley

• 0:00 Cold open: a just-added Saturday, November 14 show at Gotham Comedy Club in New York. Friday is sold out except a few late-show seats.
• 0:20 The intro: find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash.
• 0:40 Out back at Tootie’s for a new family episode, hosted by a man who can’t see.
• 1:20 Introducing the CEO of Are You Garbage, international businessman and pro data center guy.
• 2:00 “What up, Cyclops?” Rate, review, subscribe, and betting long money on eye patches.
• 2:40 The Patreon, and 400 episodes priced in calzones.
• 3:10 The eye doctor update: the bandage contact is out, and fears of losing the eye.
• 4:00 Staph infection scares, a low-grade fever, and a punch line that never lands.
• 5:15 Dr. Allen, or GG Allin? The punk singer, explained.
• 5:40 Gotham tickets again, sold during a sleepy board meeting.
• 6:00 New business model: sold the van, and calling Patty with no caller ID.
• 6:55 Drops four times a day, and “What am I in, the Air Force?”
• 7:40 “You heal quick,” said right in front of the nurse. Back on Tuesday.
• 8:15 Trying to return a baby carrier at Target with no receipt.
• 9:00 Ronjoy, DonJoy, Jo Koy? The carrier was a BabyBjörn, probably.
• 9:35 Big green canvas baseball bags, and one bat for the whole team.
• 10:20 The customer service desk, where you used to buy cigarettes.
• 11:05 Getting recognized at Target, always by a guy arguing about a return.
• 11:40 No receipt, no card, a lost wallet and a deactivated card: looking like crackheads.
• 13:40 “We’ll come back.” Not running it up the flagpole with a manager.
• 14:00 A $100 item: donate it, drop it at a firehouse.
• 14:35 Why babies get left at firehouses: safe haven laws.
• 15:15 Sunday ragu at the firehouse, and two fire trucks parked at Starbucks in the Heights.
• 16:20 The baby gets a photo in the fire truck, and is it emasculating?
• 16:55 Meeting Aaron Judge: a good-looking man, like a superhero.
• 17:05 Rocket Money read.
• 18:40 Blueprint read.
• 20:40 Back to the firefighter: “Thank you for your service.” “It’s just a job, man.”
• 21:35 An autographed eye patch for sale, with a little H. Foley on it.
• 22:00 Question: one Diet Coke for two because the refills are free?
• 22:40 Shame about money, from Mom, and the 15th Amendment joke.
• 23:10 A shirt that says “I keep sharks,” worn tucked in at Tommy’s wedding.
• 24:00 Shady mortgages, and the two guys in The Big Short who sold a stripper five houses.
• 24:55 H. Foley Realtor: Ryan Serhant, the licensing exam and a 6% fee on a $45 million penthouse.
• 26:50 What is escrow? Not the white beans.
• 27:30 Splitting a sandwich, and why the waiter suffers when you split a soda.
• 29:20 Tommy’s wedding, and a New Orleans airport bar where you can’t just order a soda.
• 30:40 A personal pan pizza, a good tip, and a bad mood.
• 32:00 Question from Foley’s Airbnb Mug Shot, and a bomb they’ve been sitting on.
• 32:20 The Elizabeth Holmes documentary with Nathan Fielder, You Can See Everything.
• 32:40 They say their Austin Airbnb shows up in the movie, and she stayed in one host’s room.
• 34:00 Is she still in? A halfway house transfer is coming.
• 35:00 Question: saving the unfinished pot of coffee for the next morning.
• 36:00 Cold brew left in the car, and pills washed down with it.
• 37:00 Question: always naming the price, like “Where are my $80 sunglasses?”
• 37:40 Rounding up the price by 50% when you’re peeved.
• 38:55 Yelling at the dog, and the baby looking up at that octave.
• 40:00 Sounding like your parents: “We grew up speaking English, now I’m trying to speak French.”
• 41:00 Cousin John, stern only when the Jets don’t cover.
• 41:55 “He’ll be yelling tomorrow too. Finish your sandwich.”
• 42:30 Undrdog read.
• 44:30 Back to the show: an itchy patch, a boo-boo, and Luke turns 29.
• 45:30 “Has anybody seen my $19.99 eye patch?”
• 46:10 The Tommy gun, the Harlem Shake, and old gangster movies.
• 46:55 An eye-patch lounge, and a skull-and-crossbones patch.
• 47:15 Movie props: Kurt Russell in Escape from New York, and a Jeff Bridges man.
• 48:00 Question from Trickle Down Patreonics: Dunlop sneakers in the early ’90s.
• 48:35 Franklins, Kangaroos with the pouch, and the Bobcats nobody can find.
• 49:10 Never owned a pair of Jordans.
• 50:20 Skate shoes, and Dunlop the tire, tennis and golf company.
• 51:30 Diversifying into eye patches, and Caribbean pirates.
• 52:15 Question: a drunk dad teaching kids the pressure points the cops used on him.
• 52:40 Fish hooks and the Irish toothache, and gentleman’s rules on the temple.
• 54:00 Question: Grandpa sold his Desert Eagle in a McDonald’s/BP parking lot.
• 54:40 Private gun sales and state laws, Arkansas versus New York City.
• 55:20 The girl who hangs around the bad boys, and who she becomes.
• 57:10 Trashy: girls who drive really fast with one foot up on the seat.
• 58:20 The mom who lets the boyfriend move in.
• 58:40 Story time: drinking at Ashley’s house at 16, with her mom upstairs.
• 1:00:00 The cops pull up out front with a floodlight. “They were here last night, too.”
• 1:00:40 A Steve Carell bit, Date Night and Dinner for Schmucks.
• 1:01:30 An army crawl down the stairs, and the boyfriend comes down.
• 1:03:00 Eight beers in, no jumping the back fence.
• 1:03:40 Watching the brake lights at the bottom of the hill, and running for it.
• 1:05:00 Sign-off: Gotham tickets, American Garbage on YouTube, see you in three days.

• 3:10 The eye patch, week two — H. Foley is still in the patch after the eye injury. The doctor says it’s healing well, as long as it doesn’t get infected.
• 8:15 A Target return with no receipt — A baby carrier, no receipt, a lost wallet and a canceled card. They leave before the manager comes and decide to donate it instead.
• 22:00 One Diet Coke for two — Free refills make it tempting, but it’s hard on the waiter. Then a New Orleans airport bar refuses to sell just a soda.
• 32:20 Elizabeth Holmes and the Airbnb — They say their old Austin Airbnb turns up in You Can See Everything, the Nathan Fielder documentary, and that she stayed in one host’s room.
• 37:00 $80 sunglasses — Saying the price of whatever you lost, rounding up when you’re mad, and turning into your parents when you yell.
• 58:40 Cops at Ashley’s house — A 16-year-old’s night drinking at a townhouse turns into hiding from a police floodlight, with her mom crawling down the stairs.

BabyBjörn Baby Carrier Harmony — Closest match to the carrier they tried to return at Target. They think it was a BabyBjörn. Amazon 9:20

The Big Short (Blu-ray) — The scene with the two mortgage brokers who sold a stripper five houses. Amazon · Wikipedia 24:35

Three’s Company: The Complete Series — The Regal Beagle and the polyester, in the Undrdog read. Amazon · Wikipedia 43:00

Saving Private Ryan (Sapphire Series) — The ending they reference for the guy all shot up. Amazon · Wikipedia 45:50

Escape from New York (Blu-ray) — Kurt Russell’s eye patch as the movie prop to own. Amazon · Wikipedia 47:15

Legally Blonde — Half of the “Fast and the Furious Legally Blonde” driver. Amazon · Wikipedia 57:40

The Fast and the Furious (Blu-ray + Digital) — The other half. Amazon · Wikipedia 57:40

Date Night (Extended Edition) — The Steve Carell and Tina Fey movie the bit gets mixed up with. Amazon · Wikipedia 1:01:00

Dinner for Schmucks (DVD) — The Steve Carell movie they land on. Amazon · Wikipedia 1:01:15

Staph infection — The infection they worry about with the eye. Wikipedia 4:10

Safe haven law — Why fire stations take babies: trained staff, no fear of arrest, open 24/7. Wikipedia 14:55

Subprime mortgage crisis — The 2008 crash one host wishes he’d gotten in on. Wikipedia 24:30

Escrow — The in-between account where both sides can see the money. Wikipedia 26:55

You Can See Everything — The 2026 Elizabeth Holmes documentary from Nathan Fielder and Lance Oppenheim. A24 · Wikipedia 32:30

Thompson submachine gun — The Tommy gun from old gangster movies. Wikipedia 46:20

Dunlop — Tires, tennis rackets, golf balls, and sneakers. Wikipedia 50:25

Piracy off the coast of Somalia — Where the modern pirates are. Wikipedia 51:55

Pressure point — The cop moves a friend’s dad taught them. Wikipedia 52:20

Desert Eagle — Grandpa’s pistol, sold in a gas-station parking lot. Wikipedia 54:15

Gotham Comedy Club, New York City — Just-added Saturday, November 14 show; Friday sold out except a few late-show seats. (Official site) 0:00

Washington Heights, Manhattan — “This is the Heights,” where two fire trucks parked at Starbucks. Wikipedia 16:00

Louis Armstrong New Orleans International Airport — The bar that wouldn’t sell just a soda, on the way back from Tommy’s wedding. Wikipedia 29:25

Austin, Texas — The Airbnb they stayed in, which they say turns up in the Elizabeth Holmes documentary. Wikipedia 32:40

Somalia — Where the pirates are now. Wikipedia 51:55

Arkansas — Selling a gun there is probably different than in New York City. Wikipedia 54:55

• Rocket Money (17:05) — rocketmoney.com/GARBAGE · find and cancel unwanted subscriptions, track spending and lower bills · promo code GARBAGE.
• Blueprint (18:40) — blueprint.bryanjohnson.com · Bryan Johnson’s Longevity Mix, third-party tested · new customers get 20% off plus free shipping · code GARBAGE (Black Friday: skip the code for bigger markdowns).
• Undrdog (42:30) — undrdog.com · tees made of 51% hemp, 31% bamboo and 18% organic cotton, no polyester · up to 30% off · no code.

• 0:00 Are You Garbage — Every episode on YouTube, the Patreon mailbag, and the live-show calendar. AYG on YouTube · Patreon · Live shows · All Are You Garbage notes
• 0:00 American Garbage — The AYG special, free on YouTube. Watch on YouTube
• 14:55 Safe haven laws — How the laws that let parents leave a baby at a fire station work. Safe-haven law on Wikipedia
• 24:35 The Big Short (2015) — The 2008 mortgage-crash movie with the stripper and her five houses. Where to watch
• 32:30 You Can See Everything (2026) — Nathan Fielder and Lance Oppenheim’s Elizabeth Holmes documentary, in theaters from A24. A24 · The Celeb List: Elizabeth Holmes
• 46:20 The Tommy gun — Look up the Thompson submachine gun and how it got its gangster-movie reputation. Thompson submachine gun on Wikipedia
• 47:15 Escape from New York (1981) — Kurt Russell as Snake Plissken, the most famous eye patch in the movies. The Celeb List: Kurt Russell · Where to watch
• 50:25 Dunlop — How one name ended up on tires, tennis rackets and early-’90s sneakers. Dunlop Rubber on Wikipedia