How to Be a New Homeowner! w/ Colum Tyrrell | Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast w/ Kevin Ryan & H. Foley

• 0:00 Cold open: a just-added Saturday, November 14 show at Gotham Comedy Club in New York.
• 0:20 The intro: are your favorite comedians classy individuals or absolute trash?
• 0:40 Out back at Tootie’s, and introducing the CEO of Are You Garbage.
• 2:00 The guest is back: a lot of changes, and a cold sore coming in.
• 2:20 Colum Tyrrell, his podcast and his new special, Bells and Whistles.
• 4:30 Opening the Met show in Philly, and the brother who loves when people dunk on Colum.
• 6:00 Married now, and out of the city: Big J, and a house bought in April.
• 7:00 From Astoria to the suburbs, and what you buy at a bodega.
• 8:00 The store that wouldn’t sell him cigarettes because they thought he was a cop.
• 9:00 “Buying chores”: is he the first Tyrrell to own a home in America?
• 10:00 Bells and Whistles passes 200,000 views.
• 10:20 The to-do list: gaps in the pavers, and a bag of sand sitting in the garage.
• 11:40 Handy enough to do it all, not fast enough to do it well.
• 12:00 A late-’50s house, and particle board after the ’80s.
• 12:40 A tiny backyard, a massive corner front yard, and mowing it himself.
• 13:20 Pies for every neighbor from Delicious Orchards, and the one neighbor who wasn’t having it.
• 15:20 The mower: not a Ryobi, a battery EGO with Touch Drive.
• 17:00 Old man Steve, the neighbor who almost mowed it for him.
• 18:40 Paying a crew $40, and “where’s your manhood?”
• 19:40 Bærskin read.
• 21:25 BlueChew read.
• 23:00 The garage: every tool, IKEA tables, a broken chest of drawers and a folded-up shed.
• 24:10 Whose fence is it?
• 25:20 A garage with no door into the house.
• 26:20 The kitchen trash can, step-on, and trash service at $100 every three months.
• 29:00 A Weber grill from the in-laws, and patio furniture off Facebook Marketplace.
• 30:30 One car, the wife’s, and a ride to the train station.
• 31:30 Four bedrooms, one bathroom upstairs, and knocking down walls on Zillow.
• 33:10 If it were up to him, a huge house in Idaho.
• 33:40 The Irish family coming over for the summer.
• 34:20 Samsung appliances that ding, and a water heater on the edge.
• 35:10 A finished basement office and a treadmill that came with the house.
• 35:50 The closet office, or the “cloffice.”
• 36:20 Half his life in cities, half in the suburbs.
• 37:00 Six months sober, then a regular beer by mistake in Austin.
• 37:30 Missing Halloween, and nobody trick-or-treating anymore.
• 38:40 Trash-bag costumes in ’90s Ireland, and trunk-or-treat.
• 42:05 MOD read.
• 43:50 The bedroom: a queen, two nightstands, the TV on.
• 44:10 The car is a Subaru Forester, and it is her car.
• 45:00 One and a half baths, and which one a guest gets.
• 46:00 A housewarming party that got canceled, and a big Italian family.
• 46:50 The new cheap chain from Amazon.
• 47:40 A winter party: can a guest go upstairs and use the bidet?
• 50:10 Christmas lights: a guy who hangs them for $540.
• 52:00 What’s in your Venmo?
• 53:40 ShopRite or Key Food, and self-checkout.
• 55:40 Reusable bags in the Forester, and plastic bags that rip.
• 57:50 Garbage-bag drawstrings, and who takes the trash out.
• 58:40 Where the outside cans go, and trash night is Tuesday.
• 1:00:20 Skipping trash night, and fresh grass clippings in the summer.
• 1:01:00 Plugs: Bells and Whistles, Skankfest, Key West and an Ireland tour.
• 1:01:40 Gotham next weekend, Philly before the end of the year, and sign-off.

• 6:00 Married and moved out — Colum and his wife Jessica left Queens and bought a late-’50s house in the New Jersey suburbs in April.
• 13:20 Pies for the neighbors — He knocked on every door with pies from Delicious Orchards and his phone number. Most loved it. One didn’t.
• 15:20 The mower — A battery EGO after he sent a Ryobi back. He does it himself, about an hour 15 front and back.
• 25:20 No door from the garage — The garage has no door into the house, which the hosts can’t get past.
• 47:40 House rules for guests — Which bathroom a guest uses at a winter party, and whether they get the bidet.
• 53:40 Groceries and bags — ShopRite or Key Food, why self-checkout is the worst, and bringing your own bags like in Ireland.

The Wizard of Oz (75th Anniversary Blu-ray) (mention) — The yellow brick road, to describe his pavers. Amazon · Wikipedia 11:05

The Wiz (mention) — “Not seen The Wiz.” Amazon · Wikipedia 11:10

Peaky Blinders: The Complete Collection (mention) — His “Peaky Blinders uncles.” Amazon · Wikipedia 29:25

Freakier Friday (Blu-ray) (mention) — The body-swap joke about Kevin being an old man inside. Amazon · Wikipedia 53:35

The Godfather (50th Anniversary Blu-ray) (mention) — Holding brown paper bags from the bottom, like in the Godfather. Amazon · Wikipedia 57:20

Ryobi mower — The one he bought and sent back because the battery wouldn’t last. Wikipedia 15:50

EGO Power+ battery self-propelled mower — Exact model not named; Colum said his cost about $1,200, similar to the 22-inch 56V 1100-series kit shown at 17:56. Amazon 16:00

Weber grill — A gift from the in-laws, for chicken in the summer. Wikipedia 29:05

Samsung appliances — Everything came with the house and dings. Wikipedia 34:40

Subaru Forester — The wife’s new car that they share. Wikipedia 44:30

A cheap chain from Amazon — Colum’s new chain on Amazon. 47:00

Plastic storage shed (brand not named) — mention: the old shed is folded up in the garage. 24:11

Bodega — Loose cigarettes and the bodega cat. Wikipedia 7:20

Interlocking pavers — The brick walkway with weeds in the gaps. Wikipedia 10:30

Trunk-or-treat — Candy from car trunks in a field instead of door to door. Wikipedia 40:40

Tushy bidet (mention) — Offered to a guest at a winter party. Wikipedia 48:04

Venmo — Who keeps a balance in there. Wikipedia 52:00

Self-checkout — Place the item in the bag. Wikipedia 54:30

DINK — Dual income, no kids. Wikipedia 1:00:00

Peloton — A guess about the treadmill that came with the house; it isn’t one. Wikipedia 35:40

Santucci’s Pizza, Philly — mention (spelling unverified). 5:04

The Joe Rogan Experience — mention: the hosts note Colum just did Rogan. Wikipedia 6:14

Facebook Marketplace — mention: where the patio furniture came from. 29:46

Zillow — mention: looking at other people’s homes. 32:46

Spider-Man and Mary Jane costume bit — mention. 39:09

T-Pain — mention: “It’s what T-Pain said.” Wikipedia 47:23

Gotham Comedy Club, New York City — Just-added Saturday, November 14 show; Friday is sold out. (Official site) 0:00

The Met Philadelphia — Where Colum opened for the hosts. (Official site) 4:40

Astoria, Queens — Where Colum lived for a long time. Wikipedia 7:00

Delicious Orchards, Colts Neck, New Jersey — Where the neighbor pies came from. (Official site) 13:35

Idaho — Where he’d buy a huge house if it were up to him. Wikipedia 33:10

Austin, Texas — Where he drank a regular beer by mistake. Wikipedia 37:10

Funny Bone, Toledo — The joke about a party while he’s on the road. (Official site) 46:15

Costco — Right around the corner. Wikipedia 53:55

ShopRite and Key Food — The grocery stores he mixes up. Wikipedia · Wikipedia 54:00

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• BlueChew (21:25) — bluechew.com · buy two months of BlueChew Gold, get the third free · promo code GARBAGE for an extra 10% off and free overnight shipping on the first order.
• MOD (42:05) — mod.com · free consultation · 10% off your first order plus free shipping with promo code GARBAGE.

• 0:00 Are You Garbage — Every episode on YouTube, the Patreon, and the live-show calendar. AYG on YouTube · Patreon · Live shows · All Are You Garbage notes
• 0:00 American Garbage — The AYG special, free on YouTube. Watch on YouTube
• 2:20 Colum Tyrrell — His special Bells and Whistles is on his YouTube page; tour dates are on his site. columtyrrell.com · The Comedian List: Colum Tyrrell
• 11:05 The Wizard of Oz (1939) — The yellow brick road that started the paver talk. Where to watch
• 40:40 Trunk-or-treat — How Halloween moved to parking lots. Trunk-or-treat on Wikipedia