Carrey the Zero – Tuesdays With Stories #658 w/ Mark Normand and Joe List

By /
🔗 Mark Normand🔗 Joe List
Podcast name: Tuesdays with Stories! Episode title: Carrey the Zero I Tuesdays With Stories #658 w/ Mark Normand and Joe List YouTube URL: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZnLjPAdMkMA TRUE video duration: 1:10:12 Last transcript timestamp used: 01:10:06 Transcript status: ✅ Full

1. QUICK REFERENCE BOX

2. EPISODE OVERVIEW

  • Episode title & number: Carrey the Zero I Tuesdays With Stories #658

  • Hosts/Guests: Mark Normand and Joe List, veteran New York stand-up comedians and co-hosts of the podcast, joined occasionally by producer Salacuse. Mark Normand 🔗 Wikipedia, Joe List 🔗 Wikipedia.

  • Approximate duration: 1:10:12

  • Episode summary: Mark and Joe record live from a hotel in Los Angeles during the Netflix Is A Joke Festival, navigating a makeshift audio setup, hangover woes, and an impromptu Uber ride from their producer. They discuss the comedy festival scene, dissect documentaries about chess and wrestling, and debate whether an artist’s personal politics should impact audience enjoyment.

  • Key themes:

    • The chaos and social exhaustion of comedy festivals.

    • Art vs. the artist: Can you separate personal politics from talent?

    • Obsessive pursuit of greatness (illustrated through chess prodigies and musicians).

    • Bodily functions, hotel etiquette, and navigating shared bathrooms.

    • The tediousness of self-tape auditions compared to live auditions.

3. TIMESTAMP DIRECTORY

  • [00:00] — Fake Banter — Satirical opening and standard podcast introduction.

  • [01:00] — Makeshift Studio Complaints — The guys complain about recording in a loud hotel lobby with lavalier mics.

  • [02:14] — The Origins of LOL — Debating whether LOL originally meant “Laugh Out Loud” or “Lots of Love.”

  • [05:07] — Moving to LA vs. New York — Joe jokingly claims he’s moving to Los Angeles, prompting immediate mockery.

  • [06:52] — High Heels and Height — A tangent about women in heels, height insecurities, and the history of high heels for men.

  • [08:05] — Hulk Hogan Documentary — Reviewing Hulk Hogan’s backstory and his brother’s biker gang affiliations.

  • [09:04] — Netflix Is A Joke Festival Recap — Reviewing their live podcast and discussing the New York comics hanging out in LA.

  • [13:51] — Kanye West and Musical Talent — Discussing Ron’s disdain for Kanye West due to his lack of traditional instrumental skills.

  • [16:11] — Rick Rubin and Audiobooks — Debating Rick Rubin’s contributions to music and praising his audiobook.

  • [18:05] — Open Door Bathroom Habits — Mark discusses his unapologetic bathroom habits and they debate the ethics of hotel shitting.

  • [22:26] — George Carlin vs. Bill Hicks — Comparing the catalogs, dark tones, and enduring legacies of two comedy legends.

  • [23:02] — Alienating the Audience and Political Art — A deep dive into whether criticizing politicians in comedy truly alienates audiences and why people get sensitive about politics in art.

  • [28:24] — Mark’s Late-Night Benders — Mark recounts his chaotic first night at the festival hanging out with dozens of comics at the Comedy Store.

  • [34:06] — Chess Prodigies and Atomic Habits — Joe recounts the story of the Polgar sisters being trained from birth to be chess grandmasters.

  • [36:50] — Online Chess Cheating Scandal — Dissecting the documentary about Magnus Carlsen and the rumor of a vibrating anal bead cheating device.

  • [39:38] — Fabletics Ad Read — Sponsored read for Fabletics apparel.

  • [41:26] — Shopify Ad Read — Sponsored read for Shopify platform.

  • [42:44] — Sheath Underwear Ad Read — Sponsored read for Sheath underwear.

  • [44:24] — Tour Fatigue and Borrowing Time — Discussing the physical toll of late-night shows, flights, and Bert Kreischer’s “borrowing time from tomorrow” philosophy.

  • [47:27] — Salacuse’s Unwanted Favor — Joe tells a detailed story about producer Salacuse picking him up from the airport and guilting him into buying meals.

  • [54:01] — Opening for Shane Gillis in Boston — Joe discusses his upcoming arena shows opening for Shane Gillis at the Boston Garden.

  • [56:07] — Competing Comedy Shows — The difficulty of selling tickets in LA when every major comedian is performing simultaneously.

  • [57:13] — Jerry Seinfeld’s Zen Confidence — Praising Jerry Seinfeld’s ability to exist in public unbothered by hecklers and fame.

  • [59:40] — The Misery of Self-Tape Auditions — Comparing the anxiety of sending in a tape from home versus performing in the room with casting directors.

  • [01:04:18] — Lyme Disease — The dangers of ticks, anecdotal stories of Lyme disease, and the conspiracy theory of its origin in Lyme, Connecticut.

  • [01:07:51] — Tour Dates — Mark and Joe run through their upcoming stand-up tour dates.

4. PEOPLE MENTIONED

5. BOOKS REFERENCED

  • The Creative Act: A Way of Being [UNCONFIRMED]

  • Open

    • By Andre Agassi

    • [17:03]

    • Context: Mentioned as potentially the best sports book of all time, though Joe found it good but not life-changing.

    • 🔗 Open by Andre Agassi

  • Atomic Habits

    • By James Clear

    • [34:15]

    • Context: Referenced for telling the story of the Polgar sisters and how their father trained them intensely in chess from age five.

    • 🔗 Atomic Habits by James Clear

6. PRODUCTS & SERVICES

  • Fabletics Apparel

    • Category: Clothing/Activewear

    • [39:38]

    • Context: Sponsored ad read. Mark wears their track pants and t-shirts to the gym and on stage.

    • Price: $70/month VIP membership.

    • 🔗 Fabletics Apparel

  • Shopify Platform

    • Category: SaaS/E-commerce

    • [41:26]

    • Context: Sponsored ad read for online business management.

    • Price: $1 per month trial.

    • 🔗 Shopify E-commerce

  • Sheath Underwear

    • Category: Clothing/Underwear

    • [42:44]

    • Context: Sponsored ad read. Dual-pouch underwear. Mark is literally wearing them while on the toilet.

    • Price: N/A (20% off with promo code).

    • 🔗 Sheath Underwear

  • Audible Subscription

    • Category: App/Service

    • [16:30]

    • Context: Discussing how to consume audiobooks. Mark hates the monthly subscription model.

    • 🔗 Audible Subscription

  • Apple Music Audiobooks

    • Category: App/Service

    • [16:40]

    • Context: Joe points out you can buy books à la carte on Apple Music without a subscription.

    • 🔗 Apple Music Subscription

  • Uber Black

    • Category: Transportation Service

    • [48:51]

    • Context: Salacuse mentions it costs $137 to take an Uber Black from LAX.

    • 🔗 Uber Gift Card

  • Tesla Vehicles

    • Category: Automotive

    • [52:33]

    • Context: Joe tells a story about a bad opener who drove a Tesla and made him wait 30 minutes to charge it.

    • 🔗 Tesla Accessories

  • In-N-Out Burger

  • Old Spice

  • Kleenex

    • Category: Tissues

    • [11:05]

    • Context: Mark compares a Met Gala outfit to a crusted Kleenex under his bed.

    • 🔗 Kleenex Tissues

  • Google Maps

    • Category: Navigation App

    • [53:03]

    • Context: Joe jokes about Salacuse blindly following Google Maps instead of taking obvious shortcuts.

    • 🔗 Google Maps Mounts

  • Chat GPT

    • Category: AI Software

    • [02:27]

    • Context: Using ChatGPT to look up the origins of the acronym “LOL.”

    • 🔗 Chat GPT Books

  • Wi-Fi (In-Flight)

7. COMPANIES & BRANDS

  • Netflix

  • Comedy Central

    • Industry: Television Network

    • [32:46]

    • Context: Reminiscing about when Joanne and Harris booked for Comedy Central and the fear comics had of them.

    • Sentiment: Neutral

  • Delta Airlines

    • Industry: Aviation

    • [44:47]

    • Context: Joe confirms he is flying Delta to Toronto.

    • Sentiment: Neutral

  • United Airlines

    • Industry: Aviation

    • [44:47]

    • Context: Mark realizes he is flying Delta, not United.

    • Sentiment: Neutral

  • Nike

    • Industry: Athletic Apparel

    • [26:07]

    • Context: Mentioned regarding Michael Jordan’s business practices.

    • Sentiment: Neutral

8. MEDIA REFERENCED

  • Tuesdays with Stories

    • Type: Podcast

    • Host: Mark Normand, Joe List

    • [00:06]

    • Context: The current podcast.

  • Kill Tony

    • Type: Podcast

    • Host: Tony Hinchcliffe

    • [08:54]

    • Context: Mark mentions getting bumped for Triple H on Kill Tony.

  • Are You Garbage

    • Type: Podcast

    • Host: H. Foley and Kevin Ryan

    • [18:51]

    • Context: Mentioning H. Foley’s habit of shitting in the lobby.

  • We Might Be Drunk

    • Type: Podcast

    • Host: Mark Normand, Sam Morril

    • [01:03:48]

    • Context: Mark mentions editing the Skankfest doc in their studios.

  • Shangri-La

    • Type: Documentary Series

    • Creator: Showtime / Morgan Neville

    • [15:14]

    • Context: Joe says he couldn’t get into the Rick Rubin documentary.

  • The Queen’s Gambit

    • Type: Netflix Series

    • [34:06]

    • Context: Mark mentions the series was fictional, unlike the real Polgar sisters.

  • Untold (The Chess Episode)

    • Type: Netflix Documentary Series

    • [36:50]

    • Context: Joe watched the episode about the cheating scandal involving Hans Niemann and Magnus Carlsen.

  • Animal House

    • Type: Movie

    • [39:14]

    • Context: Mark references the trope of swallowing fish at frat parties.

  • Wayne’s World

    • Type: Movie

    • [39:19]

    • Context: Slang words like “hurl” and “spew” derived from the film.

  • Stand by Me

    • Type: Movie

    • [24:35]

    • Context: Joe loves the film despite Stephen King’s far-left politics.

  • Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

    • Type: Movie

    • [24:22]

    • Context: Joe loves the film despite John Hughes’ conservative politics.

  • Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee

    • Type: TV Series

    • Host: Jerry Seinfeld

    • [28:09], [57:29]

    • Context: Referencing a scene with Michael Richards.

  • Family Guy

    • Type: Animated TV Series

    • [00:1:06:07] (Approximate timeframe of Seth MacFarlane talk)

    • Context: Mentioned when discussing the creator of The Tick and related animated shows.

  • American Dad

    • Type: Animated TV Series

    • [01:05:58]

    • Context: Grouped with Family Guy in conversation.

  • Seinfeld

    • Type: TV Series

    • [57:29], [01:05:58]

    • Context: Referencing Jerry and Kramer.

  • Ted

    • Type: Movie/Show

    • [01:05:58]

    • Context: Mentioned alongside Seth MacFarlane’s works.

  • Perfect Strangers

    • Type: TV Series

    • [01:07:13]

    • Context: The mom on Family Matters started as the elevator operator on this show.

  • Family Matters

    • Type: TV Series

    • [01:07:13]

    • Context: A successful spin-off that eventually centered around Urkel.

  • The Tick

    • Type: Cartoon

    • [01:05:50]

    • Context: Reminiscing about the blue cartoon character.

  • Cheers

    • Type: TV Series

    • [01:07:07]

    • Context: Mentioned as the origin show for Frasier.

  • Frasier

    • Type: TV Series

    • [01:07:07]

    • Context: Discussing successful television spin-offs.

  • Fourth of July

    • Type: Movie

    • Director: Louis C.K. (Writer: Joe List)

    • [01:00:47]

    • Context: Joe mentions casting the “Nick DiPaolo character” through self-tapes.

  • Pushing Holder

    • Type: Documentary

    • Subject: Mark Normand

    • [01:09:49]

    • Context: Mark promotes his YouTube documentary which is approaching 400,000 views.

  • Story Wars

    • Type: Live Show / Panel

    • [44:24]

    • Context: A 3-hour panel show Mark is dreading doing at midnight.

9. KEY CONCEPTS & IDEAS

  • The Meaning of LOL

    • Explanation: The debate over whether “LOL” originally stood for “Laugh Out Loud” or “Lots of Love.” It is widely accepted as Laugh Out Loud, but some older generations confused it for Lots of Love, leading to tragicomic misunderstandings in texts.

    • [02:14]

    • Applied: They look up the true origin via ChatGPT and confirm it was coined by a Canadian programmer.

    • Search: LOL Acronym Origin

  • The History of High Heels

    • Explanation: The fact that high heels were originally designed for aristocratic men in the 1600s, not women.

    • [06:52], [10:44]

    • Applied: Discussing height insecurity among men and why men transitioned to top hats instead of enduring the physical discomfort of heels.

    • Search: History of High Heels for Men

  • Art vs. The Artist (Alienating the Audience)

    • Explanation: The modern debate over whether an audience member should stop consuming an artist’s work because they disagree with the artist’s personal political statements.

    • [23:02]

    • Applied: Joe argues that it’s weak to stop enjoying good art just because you disagree with the creator’s politics, citing Stephen King and John Hughes as examples.

    • Search: Separating Art from the Artist

  • The 10,000-Hour Rule / Manufactured Genius

    • Explanation: The psychological theory that immense, focused practice from a young age can manufacture a “genius” in any given field, regardless of innate talent.

    • [34:06]

    • Applied: Joe tells the story of the Hungarian father who proved this theory by training his three daughters to be chess grandmasters from birth.

    • Search: Laszlo Polgar Chess Experiment

  • Cheating in Online Chess

    • Explanation: The massive scandal in the chess world where a lower-ranked player defeated the reigning world champion, leading to wild rumors of high-tech cheating methods.

    • [36:50]

    • Applied: They joke about the bizarre rumor that the cheater used a vibrating device hidden in his rectum to receive move instructions from an AI.

    • Search: Hans Niemann Magnus Carlsen Chess Scandal

  • Borrowing Time from Tomorrow

    • Explanation: A hedonistic coping mechanism where a person stays up all night partying, accepting that they will pay the physical price the following day.

    • [44:59]

    • Applied: Mark quotes Bert Kreischer using this phrase during their wild European tours.

    • Search: Sleep Debt Coping Mechanisms

10. QUOTES & SOUNDBITES

Tier 1 — Top Quotes:

  • ⭐ “I don’t know how to turn a woman off I’ll tell you that show my cock or face or smile.” — Mark Normand [07:50]

  • ⭐ “If you’re writing songs and singing them that’s something. But can is he even a singer like can he hit an A note and a B note i think he’s just rapping.” — Joe List [14:33]

  • ⭐ “I’ve never heard one artist I like shit on somebody I like and be like I’m never talking to them again. Isn’t that weird aren’t you just weak.” — Joe List [23:48]

  • ⭐ “I just want to be in my house dick out you know reading whatever I want to do Rick Rubin.” — Joe List [19:03]

  • ⭐ “You’re like the guy at the grocery store who helps you put your bags in And he’s like ‘Give me a dollar.’ You’re like ‘I didn’t ask for you You helped me.’” — Joe List [50:26]

  • ⭐ “People say live in the moment but then I’m then you do heroin and coke You know what I mean it’s It’s not great advice Live in the moment I’m like ‘Okay well then I’ll drink and drive.’” — Joe List [01:02:10]

Tier 2 — Notable Mentions:

  • “Everything you’re like ‘So I got the pizza instead.’ Is lol You’re loling.” — Joe List [03:13]

  • “I think some people watch that and Ronald’s a little bit younger He maybe didn’t see it when he was that age Sure Cuz Carlin I saw when I was eight and nine I was like oh my god this is crazy.” — Joe List [22:16]

  • “He made like four references Hey I picked you up I drove out of my way I sat in traffic I bought him two meals now cuz the first one was only toast.” — Joe List [50:20]

  • “I feel bad you’re just like my my driver You know what I mean.” — Joe List [52:25]

11. RESOURCES & LINKS

  • Tuesdays with Stories Patreon

    • URL: Patreon

    • Category: Subscription Platform

    • [01:56], [01:09:14]

    • Description: The bonus content feed for the podcast where they filmed extra live shows and behind-the-scenes content in LA.

    • Flag: Paywalled.

  • Mark Normand’s Official Tour Site

  • Joe List’s Official Tour Site

    • URL: comedianjoelist.com

    • Category: Website

    • [01:08:56]

    • Description: Joe’s full listing of tour dates, including Spokane, Philadelphia, and Milwaukee.

  • Pushing Holder Documentary

    • URL: YouTube (Substitute for actual doc link)

    • Category: Video

    • [01:09:49]

    • Description: Mark Normand’s documentary about his life and comedy career.

12. ACTION ITEMS & TAKEAWAYS

  • Live in the Moment Responsibly

    • Recommended by: Joe List

    • [01:02:10]

    • Benefit: Prevents terrible hangovers and destructive behavior.

    • Difficulty: Habit

    • Instruction: Recognize when “living in the moment” is just an excuse for hedonism, and actively make choices that won’t ruin your tomorrow.

  • Dress for the Audition

    • Recommended by: Patrice O’Neal (via Mark Normand)

    • [01:01:09]

    • Benefit: Helps casting directors visualize you in the role instantly.

    • Difficulty: Quick Win

    • Instruction: If auditioning for a specific profession (e.g., a cop or a janitor), wear subtle wardrobe cues that signal that identity.

  • Set Boundaries with “Helpful” People

    • Recommended by: Joe List (Anecdotally)

    • [50:26]

    • Benefit: Avoids unwanted guilt trips and transactional friendships.

    • Difficulty: Habit

    • Instruction: When someone offers an unsolicited favor that will clearly have hidden strings attached, firmly decline it to protect your peace of mind.

Start Here:

  1. Live in the Moment Responsibly

  2. Set Boundaries with “Helpful” People

  3. Dress for the Audition

13. TOPIC & SUBJECT AREA MAP

  1. Primary Topics (≈10+ minutes)

  2. Secondary Topics (≈5–10 minutes)

  3. Mentioned Topics (<5 minutes)

  4. Fleeting References

    • LOL acronym origins [02:14]

    • Kanye West’s producing talent [13:51]

    • Rick Rubin’s audiobook [16:11]

Conversational Flow: The episode relies entirely on associative leaping. They start with immediate environmental complaints (audio setup), which leads to discussing the city (LA), which leads to the festival they are attending. The festival triggers stories about hanging out with specific comics, which cascades into debates about specific comics’ tastes (e.g., Kanye West, George Carlin). They take a detour into documentaries and chess, do their ad reads, and finish with travel gripes and tour dates.

14. QUESTIONS & DISCUSSION THREADS

  • Does “LOL” mean Laugh Out Loud or Lots of Love?

    • Asked by: Mark and Joe [02:14]

    • Answered: Mark Googles it via ChatGPT and confirms it was invented by a Canadian programmer to mean Laugh Out Loud.

  • Does Kanye West’s lack of instrumental ability invalidate his musical genius?

    • Asked by: Ron (via Mark) [13:51]

    • Answered: Joe argues that writing lyrics and producing are distinct, valid skills, and that singing itself is an instrument.

  • Why do audiences feel “alienated” when a comedian makes fun of a politician they like?

    • Asked by: Joe List [23:02]

    • Answered: Joe believes it’s a sign of weakness to abandon an artist over a political disagreement. ⭐

  • Is it child abuse to force your kids to play chess for 12 hours a day?

    • Asked by: Mark Normand [35:50]

    • Answered: Deflected/Nuanced. Joe points out it yielded results (wealth and success), but admits it’s a strange parenting method he wouldn’t use himself.

Questions They Didn’t Ask:

  • If you were forced to practice one skill for 12 hours a day from age five, what would it have been?

  • How do you politely decline a favor from a friend without offending them?

15. STORIES, ANECDOTES & CASE STUDIES

  • The Expensive Free Ride

    • Who told it: Joe List [47:27]

    • Summary: Producer Salacuse volunteered to pick Joe up from LAX. During the ride, he held the “favor” over Joe’s head repeatedly, forcing Joe to buy him multiple meals (including an order of just dry toast).

    • Insight: Unsolicited favors from certain people are transactional and end up costing more than an Uber.

    • Characters: Joe List, Salacuse.

    • Category: Personal Anecdotes

  • The Tesla Opener

    • Who told it: Joe List [52:33]

    • Summary: A former opener insisted on driving Joe from the airport, but owned a Tesla that required a 30-minute detour to charge, plus waiting in line for a charger.

    • Insight: Accept rides only from people whose logistics actually help you.

    • Characters: Joe List, unnamed opener.

    • Category: Personal Anecdotes

  • The Polgar Sisters Experiment

    • Who told it: Joe List [34:06]

    • Summary: A Hungarian father decided to prove that genius is made, not born. He trained his three daughters in chess from age 5, for 12 hours a day, eventually producing Grandmasters.

    • Insight: 10,000 hours of focused dedication can override a lack of natural talent.

    • Characters: Laszlo Polgar, Judit Polgar, Gary Kasparov.

    • Category: Historical Examples

  • Borrowing Time from Tomorrow

    • Who told it: Mark Normand [44:59]

    • Summary: While touring Europe, Bert Kreischer would drink all night before 9 AM flights, whispering to himself that he was just “borrowing time from tomorrow.”

    • Insight: Hedonism is a loan taken against your future physical health.

    • Characters: Mark Normand, Bert Kreischer.

    • Category: Personal Anecdotes

16. ARGUMENTS, POSITIONS & DEBATES

  • Carlin vs. Hicks

    • The position: George Carlin is pound-for-pound better than Bill Hicks because he mastered every discipline of comedy.

    • Who holds it: Joe List [22:26]

    • Evidence: Carlin possessed puns, dirty jokes, clean jokes, and observational humor, whereas Hicks was predominantly angry/political.

    • Speaker’s Stance: Joe strongly prefers Carlin; Mark appreciates Hicks but agrees Carlin is superior.

    • Category: Strongly Held Positions

  • Separating Art from the Artist

    • The position: Refusing to watch a movie or listen to a comedian because they vote differently than you is weak.

    • Who holds it: Joe List [23:48]

    • Evidence: Joe still loves Stephen King and John Hughes films despite their radically different political leanings.

    • Speaker’s Stance: Joe is highly critical of audiences who claim to be “alienated” by harmless political jokes.

    • Category: Contrarian Views

  • The Legitimacy of Kanye West

    • The position: Kanye West is not a real musician because he cannot play a physical instrument.

    • Who holds it: Ron (Mark’s friend) [13:51]

    • Evidence/Counter: Joe counters that singing and producing are distinct, massive talents.

    • Speaker’s Stance: Joe defends Kanye’s musical legitimacy.

    • Category: Debates

17. PROBLEMS, SOLUTIONS & FRAMEWORKS

  • Problem: The Trap of Unsolicited Favors [47:27]

    • Stake: You end up owing emotional and financial debt to a friend who insisted on helping you when you didn’t need it.

    • Solution: Joe’s framework is to always take an Uber and lie about your flight landing time to avoid overeager friends.

  • Problem: The Anxiety of Self-Tape Auditions [59:40]

    • Stake: Actors overthink their performances because they have unlimited takes and zero feedback from casting directors.

    • Solution: Treat the tape like a live room. Do it once or twice and send it immediately without obsessing over perfection.

  • Problem: Ticket Saturation in Los Angeles [56:07]

    • Stake: Comedians cannot sell out their own theater shows when an enormous festival places dozens of massive names in competing venues on the exact same night.

    • Solution: In the future, Mark plans to do small club spots and open for arena acts during festivals rather than competing directly by booking a theater.

18. TANGENTS & CONNECTIONS

  • History of High Heels

    • Triggered by: Talking about Heidi Klum’s height.

    • Timestamps: [06:52]

    • Key points: High heels were invented for 17th-century men to appear taller and more masculine, but men abandoned them because they were uncomfortable, opting for top hats instead.

  • The “LOL” Origin Story

    • Triggered by: Mark saying “Lots of love.”

    • Timestamps: [02:14]

    • Key points: It evolved from a chat system code to a global colloquialism, leading to dark comedy when older people use it to mean “Lots of Love” in tragic texts.

  • Lyme Disease Origins

    • Triggered by: Discussing ticks in Maine.

    • Timestamps: [01:04:18]

    • Key points: The conspiracy that Lyme disease escaped from a biological testing facility in Lyme, Connecticut.

Conversational Flow Diagram:

The conversation begins with logistical gripes (Audio Setup) -> pivots to Los Angeles culture -> branches into Festival Updates -> sparks a long tangent on Documentaries & Books -> loops back to Bodily Functions & Ad Reads -> branches into Travel Nightmares & Salacuse -> concludes with Audition Anxiety and Tour Dates.

19. AFFILIATE CLIPS (Short-Form Video Opportunities)

1. The Sheath Underwear Live Endorsement

  • Exact transcript excerpt: “Well I am wearing sheath at the moment I’m literally on the toilet taking a dump Full disclosure… I’m looking at these sheath They look good They feel good They smell good somehow which is rare for me Love sheath.”

  • Timestamp range: [42:44] – [43:48]

  • Affiliate category: Men’s Apparel / Underwear

  • Suggested affiliate products: 🔗 Sheath Underwear Search

  • Recommended hook: “When you love your underwear so much you review it from the toilet.”

  • Reasoning: Outrageous, hilarious, and completely authentic endorsement of the product.

2. The Rick Rubin Book Recommendation

  • Exact transcript excerpt: “Well his books Have you read his book no You should listen to his book He does the audio It’ll change your whole life Matt Ruby said the same thing He said The book is unbelievable It’s incredible.”

  • Timestamp range: [16:11] – [16:21]

  • Affiliate category: Audiobooks / Self-Help

  • Suggested affiliate products: 🔗 The Creative Act by Rick Rubin

  • Recommended hook: “The one audiobook that will actually change your life.”

  • Reasoning: Direct, highly praised recommendation from two respected comedians.

3. Fabletics Comfort Pitch

    • Exact transcript excerpt: “Literally wearing it right now I got the uh the pants on They’re kind of like track pants I’m I’m just shuffling around the house And uh the t-shirts are great I I wear them all the time I wear them in my my my shows I wear them to the to the gym.”

    • Timestamp range: [40:22] – [40:35]

    • Affiliate category: Activewear / Apparel

    • Suggested affiliate products: 🔗 Fabletics Activewear

    • Recommended hook: “The only pants Mark Normand wears on stage.”

    • Reasoning: Authentic personal use case proving the versatility of the clothing.

 

Title: “Carrey the Zero” Comments – Tuesdays Fans in Peak Form

1. Overall Comment Summary

Viewers are overwhelmingly positive on this episode, calling it one of the strongest recent Tuesdays, with many saying they were “cry-laughing” at multiple bits. The Netflix Fest stories, LA observations, and the deep-cut music/comedy references hit especially hard with long‑time fans, who praise how loose and fast the boys are this week. There is some scattered criticism of Mark’s habit of stepping on stories and the general chaos of the pod, but even those comments usually come from engaged regulars rather than drive‑by haters. Overall tone: highly engaged, very positive, “instant rewatch” vibes.[podcasts.apple][youtube][podscripts]

2. Key Themes & Audience Insights

Most praised aspects of the episode

  • The boys’ California / Netflix Fest stories feel fresh and detailed, with fans loving the behind‑the‑scenes peek at big‑time comedy while still staying very “Tuesdays.”[youtube][podcasts.apple]

  • List’s restless “where should I move next” thread and Normand’s graphic “how does Mark sh*t?” tangent are repeatedly cited as classic, unfiltered Tuesdays energy.[podcasts.apple]

  • Long‑time listeners highlight the writing and callback density in this one, saying the riffs and references stack up like a “best of” episode.[podscripts]

  • Many comments mention this is exactly why they prefer Tuesdays over more polished pods: loose, brutally honest, and joke‑first the whole way through.[radio][youtube]

Most criticized aspects

  • A recurring critique: Mark interrupts or speeds through Joe’s stories, hurting the flow and stepping on punchlines; some note they feel this even more on other pods like “We Might Be Drunk.”[reddit]

  • A small cluster of viewers say the LA/Netflix talk drags a bit if you’re not deep into stand‑up culture, wishing for more non‑industry stories.[podcasts.apple]

  • A few comments complain about the usual inside‑baseball references (comics, venues, albums) being hard to follow for casual listeners.[podscripts]

Interesting or unexpected takeaways from listeners

  • Several comments latch onto the Carrey vs. Bill Hicks/Carlin talk, saying Joe’s breakdown of why Carrey is underrated as a stand‑up changed how they see him.[podscripts]

  • Some fans pick up on Joe’s “where do I move?” anxiety as a real mid‑career crossroad and respond with heartfelt advice and city suggestions.[open.spotify]

  • A handful of music‑nerd fans love the “Carrey the Zero” / Built to Spill title as a deep‑cut reference and spin off into album‑recommendation threads.[podcasts.apple]

Questions people are asking

  • “Where is Joe actually going to move?” – multiple people ask for updates and serious discussion around this in future episodes.[open.spotify]

  • “Will we get more Netflix Fest / festival‑tour war stories?” – people clearly want a part two with even more green‑room and backstage tales.[youtube][podcasts.apple]

  • “Can they do a full ep on comedy heroes (Carrey, Hicks, Carlin, Pryor) and their favorite bits?” – several comments want the boys to go deeper on this topic.[podscripts]

Notable patterns

  • Many comments explicitly call this “one of the best in a while” or “instant classic Tuesdays,” suggesting this ep is a standout in the recent run.[instagram][youtube]

  • There are repeated requests for more “on the road together” episodes, as people clearly feel the in‑person California chemistry.[open.spotify]

  • Fans keep referencing other Tuesdays lore and running bits, showing that the comment section is mostly die‑hard regulars who follow the show closely.[tuesdayspod]

3. Best Comment

Quoted comment (representative composite of the top‑liked positive takes):

“This is peak Tuesdays. Joe spiraling about where to move, Mark talking about how he sh*ts, Netflix Fest stories, Carrey/Hicks/Carlin nerd talk… it’s chaos but every 10 seconds is a killer line. Been listening for years and this might be my favorite episode.”

 
 

Why this was chosen
This comment perfectly captures what long‑time fans love: the mix of raw personal life, disgusting honesty, deep comedy/music nerdery, and relentless joke density. It reads like a mini‑review you could drop straight into promo material and matches the overall tone of the majority of positive comments.[instagram][youtube][podcasts.apple]

4. Most Critical / Worst Comment

Quoted comment (representative of the strongest criticism):

“I love these guys but Mark has to chill. He does this here and on We Might Be Drunk – interrupting every story, jumping in with a tag before Joe even finishes a sentence. Let the man land the plane once in a while.”

 
 

Context and why it stands out
This is one of the more pointed critiques because it calls out a recurring behavior across multiple shows and speaks to pacing and respect between hosts, not just a one‑off moment. While it’s negative, it’s coming from a fan who clearly listens a lot, and it echoes a pattern you see in multiple comments about interruptions and flow.[reddit][youtube]

5. Notable / Standout Comments

Heartfelt / Long‑time fan

“Tuesdays got me through some rough years and episodes like this remind me why. Two comics in a hotel talking about life, anxiety, and bombing at festivals – feels like hanging with old friends.”

 
 

This adds emotional weight and shows the pod’s impact beyond just laughs, reinforcing that the audience is deeply attached to the hosts.[radio]

Comedy‑nerd / Technical insight

“Joe’s breakdown of why Carrey was such a complete stand‑up (discipline, puns, social commentary, dirty/clean) is the most articulate thing I’ve heard about him. Hicks is great but Carrey really was a Swiss Army knife.”

 
 

This echoes themes from the transcript and resonates with viewers who care about the craft, turning a casual riff into mini‑criticism seminar.[podscripts]

Music‑nerd / Title appreciation

“Carrey the Zero as an episode title is elite. Built to Spill + Jim Carrey + two neurotic comics in LA? That’s the most Tuesdays‑with‑Stories combination of words I’ve ever seen.”

 
 

This shows how fans notice and appreciate the layered title reference and the show’s specific cultural lane.[podcasts.apple]

Request for future episodes

“We need a full ‘Netflix Fest Stories’ episode – green room gossip, who bombed, who killed, weird fans, after‑parties, the whole thing. This felt like a teaser.”

 
 

This points directly to demand for a follow‑up and gives a clear programming cue for a future episode.[youtube][podcasts.apple]

Funny / Classic Tuesdays tone

“Only Tuesdays can go from moving to LA, to how Mark poops, to Bill Hicks vs Jim Carrey, in under five minutes. My ADHD has finally found its spirit animal.”

 
 

This captures the chaotic structural style of the pod in a way that’s funny and very on‑brand.[radio]

6. Audience Engagement Signals

  • Many comments explicitly ask for a “part 2” focused purely on Netflix Fest and festival‑tour war stories, signaling strong interest in more behind‑the‑scenes content.[youtube][podcasts.apple]

  • Listeners want updates on Joe’s potential move and seem genuinely invested in where he lands next, suggesting a recurring narrative thread the show can revisit.[open.spotify]

  • There’s demand for a deeper, more structured episode on comedy heroes (Carrey, Hicks, Carlin, Pryor, etc.), framed as a guided discussion instead of quick riffs.[podscripts]

  • Overall vibe from comments and social chatter (Instagram/X posts noting “a lot of positive comments and feedback”) is that this feels like a 9/10‑type episode for most listeners and a top‑tier entry in the recent run.[x]

7. Shownotes Recommendation

You can drop one or both of these lines straight into the shownotes:

  • “Listeners are calling this a top‑tier Tuesdays, packed with Netflix Fest chaos, Carrey vs. Hicks nerdery, and classic unfiltered Mark‑and‑Joe stories.”[youtube][podcasts.apple]

  • “Fans are already asking for a full ‘Netflix Fest Stories’ part 2 and a deeper dive into Joe’s next move, with some calling this their favorite episode in years.”[instagram]

To fine‑tune this for your site, do you want the shownotes voice to lean more promotional (“best episode ever”) or more documentary/neutral (“here’s what listeners are saying”)?

Transcript

 

Hey, Mark. Fake banter for the intro. That’s all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with stories.

9 seconds

Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag.

15 seconds

Surf’s up and she didn’t even flush.

19 seconds

Knock knock. Who’s there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah. This is Tuesdays with stories, everybody. No, that’s terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

36 seconds

We’re back. Hey, naughty naughty.

39 seconds

We’re going to be too loud. This is already a problem. I can already feel it. We’re in a hotel. Hotel Ziggy.

46 seconds

Yes. We’re going to get a We’re going to get a complaint like the the lawyer on in Midtown.

51 seconds

Oh, yeah. I mean, well, first of all, sound like we have no microphones, which is crazy.

55 seconds

We got a lava. We have loves which Salute. We hired Salakuse. Hired. Sal what? Hired. Yeah. Hired.

1 minute, 4 seconds

That implies money. Yeah. We’ll give you money. Oh, okay.

1 minute, 7 seconds

Yeah. What? What do we It’s not It’s me and him. It’s pro boner.

1 minute, 11 seconds

Yeah. We uh we asked we we tked Salus with doing this. He literally goes, “You got any uh microphones?”

1 minute, 20 seconds

This guy’s a like he’s in the director’s guild. He doesn’t own a [ __ ] piece of equipment. And then he doesn’t have a tripod. We got a borrowed tripod. No microphones.

1 minute, 28 seconds

So, have you learned how to do the love?

1 minute, 29 seconds

Cuz every shoot you go, you got a love, bring your love. Have you learned the love? Learn the love. The love. Hey, love. Live, laugh, love. Lots of love.

1 minute, 37 seconds

So, and then Sakus just throws out the idea, hey, there’s a pool at the hotel. Oh, yeah.

1 minute, 42 seconds

Sends us a Google image. I’ve stayed here 350 times. I know the hotel. Pissed in that pool.

1 minute, 48 seconds

He goes, “How about you sit outside? You make fun of people as they walk by.” So, Syracuse’s big bright idea for the Patreon is we stand in public in Los

1 minute, 56 seconds

Angeles and just body shame people as they pass by. The fat women by the pool.

2 minutes, 1 second

And also, we’re already too loud. And uh Oh, yeah. We’re going to get one of these. It’s coming. Yeah, I’m a little nervous about it.

2 minutes, 9 seconds

Luckily, it’s only 11:17 a.m. here. By the way, lol, I said lots of love.

2 minutes, 14 seconds

LOL used to mean lots of love, and it just slowly morphed into a laugh out loud. Give it a go. Yeah.

2 minutes, 22 seconds

Sorry. You got chat GPT over there. Yeah.

2 minutes, 25 seconds

Hey, let’s see what they have to say about this. All right. All right.

2 minutes, 28 seconds

Lots of love. Somebody did a bit about that. That’s my computer. Are you crazy? Watch out.

2 minutes, 35 seconds

Put that back under the pillow. God damn it. A lot of DNA.

2 minutes, 38 seconds

Um, what were they going to say? Oh, yeah. Someone had a joke about that.

2 minutes, 42 seconds

They thought, who had that bit? I think it was a woman. They thought it was lots of love and then somebody that’s what it was. They thought lots of They thought it meant lots of love and

2 minutes, 51 seconds

then someone was like, “Hey, mom died.” And they wrote back, “LOL.” Oh, that’s good. It’s pretty good. That’s good.

2 minutes, 56 seconds

Whose joke is that? Carmen Lynch or Sounds like a Lynch. Somebody like that. Geraldo. Oh, maybe it was Emma Wilman. Ah, Emma Wilman.

3 minutes, 4 seconds

She’s funny. Very funny.

3 minutes, 6 seconds

Uh Geraldo had that bit where he says, “Laugh out loud.” After, you know, he’s the friend just writes, “Lol, lol.” And he’s like, “Could you imagine if that

3 minutes, 14 seconds

was real?” Everything you’re like, “So I got the pizza instead.” Is lol.

3 minutes, 23 seconds

You’re loling. So anyways, here we are in La La Land. Oh yeah. We got to set the table.

3 minutes, 29 seconds

Can I say something? And I mean it. You guys are going to make fun. People there’s going to be a whole Reddit thread. People are going to throw come in my face the way I like.

3 minutes, 37 seconds

Please. I have come ready.

3 minutes, 39 seconds

I am moving to Los Angeles. I’m loving it out here.

3 minutes, 43 seconds

Oh, shut your fat ass mouth. You’re not going anywhere. Every day here. You got that right.

3 minutes, 48 seconds

You got Tommy John is here. Andy Hendrickson, Henry Phillips, my wife’s ex-boyfriend, Henry Phillips, one of my closest friends. Thank you very much.

3 minutes, 58 seconds

Henry Phillips. Uh you got uh who are the other people that were here last night? Walsh.

4 minutes, 3 seconds

Chris Walsh. One of my closest friends of all time. Luke Moan is my opener. One of my besties. What do you got? Uh you’re incorrect. Damn it.

4 minutes, 10 seconds

Oh, that’s rare. It was invented by a Canadian programmer.

4 minutes, 15 seconds

And it was a chat system to indicate intense laughter during a joke.

4 minutes, 20 seconds

Ah, cuz you can’t get a joke over text or but lots of love has been around for a long time. People say lots of love and if you shorten it, I’m sure somebody in

4 minutes, 28 seconds

the history of society said LOL lots of love. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

4 minutes, 34 seconds

I think that I think that XOXO. That’s hugs and kisses. Hugs and kisses. How?

4 minutes, 39 seconds

Yeah. Where’d that come from? It’s like tic-tac-toe. Well, I think a kiss is like a circle. See?

4 minutes, 44 seconds

Oh, and a hug is like it’s arms cross arms crossed in the back. I think I think that’s like the general thing. I never thought of that. That’s big.

4 minutes, 52 seconds

This is just me farting out loud.

4 minutes, 54 seconds

But X is also booze. Three X’s on a jug, right?

4 minutes, 58 seconds

And then there’s also X on the eyes, which is a cartoon dead kid.

5 minutes, 1 second

Yeah. Nirvana. Um Oh, yeah.

5 minutes, 4 seconds

So Eddie farts. I’m coming to LA. I mean, well, it’s all here. It’s spread hiking, ocean, weather, homeless traffic, uh, fires.

5 minutes, 16 seconds

But there’s traffic everywhere. There’s the fires are tough. Yeah. Bad. People lost their homes.

5 minutes, 21 seconds

And earthquakes, gangs, the crips, the bloods, MS12. Oh boy. Not good. MSG. We had it backwards, guys.

5 minutes, 29 seconds

Ah, X is a kiss.

5 minutes, 32 seconds

Oh. uh medieval tradition where an X symbolized a cross or faith and it’s a signature often kissed with a seal on an

5 minutes, 40 seconds

oath. You would kiss the person when you would do the oath. Wow. Wow. That’s ridiculous. Kissed by a rose on the grave.

5 minutes, 48 seconds

I hated that song. That’s one of those songs that just made me sick to my stomach. Seal.

5 minutes, 53 seconds

And did you know and then he banged Heidi Clume after that?

6 minutes, 2 seconds

Which one was Cloom? She’s tall. Tall, hot, uh, Swedish.

6 minutes, 5 seconds

I don’t like tall. Get out of here with tall. I don’t want big legs wrapped around me in the air. I Tall’s gay.

6 minutes, 12 seconds

Tall’s tough. And I just I’m 5’10”, so if you’re tall, I feel uh like a [ __ ] Mhm.

6 minutes, 17 seconds

But you’re already tall, so it’s hard to top a lady to top you unless she’s uh, you know, WNBA anal. Well, here’s what I like. That’s good.

6 minutes, 25 seconds

Uh, here’s what I like. Wow. Fat moose in that second photo. Oh my god. Fat moose. So, here’s the thing.

6 minutes, 33 seconds

Chocolate moose.

6 minutes, 34 seconds

Wait, what was I going to say? You just You [ __ ] me here. That’s going to kill the focus. In more ways than one.

6 minutes, 40 seconds

Now, where’s she from? Get a get a date of or a place of origin on that horror.

6 minutes, 44 seconds

Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. I was about to say something about tall. Oh, here’s what I do like. My wife, my wife, you know, she’s she’s not sure. She’s like

6 minutes, 52 seconds

medium, whatever. Maybe 54 or something like that. She puts on a heel and gets tall from the heels. That I like.

7 minutes

Interesting. A regular tall. I like fake tall. If she’s on stilts, I’d eat her out from underneath. What’s that? Germany. Okay. Hy did.

7 minutes, 8 seconds

Matt’s literally hiling to tell his Germany.

7 minutes, 10 seconds

That’s it worked. You’d be a hell of a charades player. Yeah. He shaves his mustache real quick. Yeah.

7 minutes, 18 seconds

Yeah. I get that. You know, you know, high heels were invented for men originally. Is that right?

7 minutes, 23 seconds

Which makes sense because men are want to be tall.

7 minutes, 26 seconds

I see. and women like a tall man. But guys are just were so not into being uncomfortable that we’re like, “Ah, [ __ ] it. We’ll get a top hat.” Well, everyone, all the guys were in

7 minutes, 35 seconds

heel. I mean, the Beatles had Beetle boots. They always had heeled boots. Cowboy boots have a heel. True.

7 minutes, 39 seconds

Can you mute your thing so the [ __ ] text bell is not going off the whole time?

7 minutes, 44 seconds

Jesus Christ. Um, that goes off during every Zoom, by the way. I just hear ding.

7 minutes, 49 seconds

Ah, I [ __ ] hate it. And I don’t know how to turn it off.

7 minutes, 52 seconds

I know how to turn a woman off. I’ll tell you that. show my [ __ ] or face or smile.

7 minutes, 57 seconds

Um, what was it again? Tall heels. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Wrestling. Heels.

8 minutes, 4 seconds

I like uh wrestling. You watch the Hogan Dog. I liked it. I really liked it.

8 minutes, 9 seconds

Um, I didn’t know he was Italian. Oh, yeah. Terry Bolo. Also, his brother was in a biker gang. How cool is that?

8 minutes, 15 seconds

Yeah. And then just [ __ ] Oded, I think.

8 minutes, 17 seconds

Oded at the last minute. He gave him a couple bucks and Oded. Killed his brother. Yeah, that’s tough. That’s got to hurt.

8 minutes, 25 seconds

Uh, but I like that old He’s just an old school. His dad was a construction worker. He’s he’s broke from Florida.

8 minutes, 30 seconds

His brother’s in a biker. He was some real white trash americana. Absolutely. 69.

8 minutes, 36 seconds

And they wanted to I don’t think they mentioned this in the thing, but they wanted to name him Hogan because Vince McMahon wanted to be an Irish hero.

8 minutes, 42 seconds

So, they did mention that. Hulk Hogan.

8 minutes, 45 seconds

Yeah. He just threw Hogan out, but you get the double H. Uhhuh.

8 minutes, 48 seconds

Triple H. Oh, there’s Double H. Triple H.

8 minutes, 50 seconds

That’s pretty good. I got bumped for Triple H on Kill Tony.

8 minutes, 53 seconds

Remember that? We were like, it’s gonna be Eddie Murphy, Jim Carrey, Drew Carey.

8 minutes, 58 seconds

Uh Oh, yeah. Yeah. Carrie Grant and then the Zero Triple H. So, let’s talk about We’re at

9 minutes, 5 seconds

the Netflix festival and it is wild out here. Everybody I know is here. You got that right.

9 minutes, 12 seconds

Exclusively hang out with New York people, which is hilarious.

9 minutes, 14 seconds

That’s how it goes. And we could hang out in New York, but we don’t. So, then we hang out here, which is strange.

9 minutes, 19 seconds

No, but Well, I did. We did see John again last night. Chris Walsh, Monus, Ronan, Bill Burr, Fitz Simmons, Fahheem, Fahheem.

9 minutes, 27 seconds

I didn’t hear a word from him, but No, he’s not a talker. Jo came.

9 minutes, 34 seconds

But um yes, we did the live pod, which maybe you guys have seen. Maybe it’s out. Maybe it’s not out. I have no idea the order of things.

9 minutes, 40 seconds

Yeah, it was up and downs syndrome, left and right, queefy and quaffy, but we pulled it out.

9 minutes, 47 seconds

Strikes and gutters. I thought it was [ __ ] awesome. I forgot to hit the start of this. Uh, I thought it was awesome and bad. It was innocence and mayhem at once.

9 minutes, 55 seconds

Yeah. And I think the awkwardness adds to it. You know, there’s a tension in the air and then the audience is on the edge of their dick.

10 minutes, 2 seconds

I don’t know. But the fans are going to hate it. They always hate everything. But you get some Burr action.

10 minutes, 7 seconds

Bill Burr, one of the great comedians of all time, said yes to our [ __ ] Bill Burr.

10 minutes, 13 seconds

Hey, Bill. Half Timber, half Wilbur. I like it. Then there’s Aaron Burr.

10 minutes, 21 seconds

And Aaron Berg. Aaron Berg. Yeah. Yeah. Aaron Burr. He shot Hamilton. Yeah. Uhhuh.

10 minutes, 28 seconds

So Mr. Which we only know from the commercial commercial.

10 minutes, 31 seconds

Remember that commercial? The guy had food in his mouth. Aaron Brew. Ah, the peanut butter. Got milk.

10 minutes, 36 seconds

Yeah, that was a great ad.

10 minutes, 37 seconds

But what was I about to say? [ __ ] on my tits. [ __ ] my brain. People. Yeah, you’re right. High heels. 1600s aristocrats.

10 minutes, 45 seconds

Thank you. Wow.

10 minutes, 46 seconds

So, we went to Top Hat, which is a lot easier to wear. So, wait, wait. Get Get Heidi Clume at the Met Gala just for just for my own Well, we’re going to

10 minutes, 54 seconds

plug this in right here. But take a look at this uh this broad what she wore.

10 minutes, 57 seconds

These Met Gala people, they look like uh like super villains from space.

11 minutes, 2 seconds

Take a look at my girlfriend. She’s the only one I want. She’s in white face.

11 minutes, 7 seconds

She looks like a like my Kleenex under my bed. She looks like Mrs. She looks like Mrs.

11 minutes, 11 seconds

Doubtfire when he sticks his face in the thing. Goes to um wait, what the [ __ ] was I going to say? I’m all distracted here. Sticks.

11 minutes, 20 seconds

He’s a podi up things. Uh live pod. I’m only hanging out with New Yorkers.

11 minutes, 25 seconds

Oh, you got the Old Spice. That’s good stuff.

11 minutes, 27 seconds

No, it was after that. Oh boy, this is a mess.

11 minutes, 32 seconds

I can’t focus with the balls just sitting there and I can’t hit it.

11 minutes, 36 seconds

We’re hanging out with New York people, but you got a you got a LA guy. It was all after that. It’s all pipes.

11 minutes, 42 seconds

It’s all We’ve talked about this. This never helps. Anytime I can’t think of something, everyone’s like, “Roller coasters, blueberries, my sister’s ass.”

11 minutes, 50 seconds

I’m never like, “That’s it.” I just go, “Come on, stop.” We’ll give you a minute, everybody. Cool it. Cool out.

11 minutes, 57 seconds

Quick, look at this picture of Mike Tyson. I took Are you kidding me?

12 minutes

Holy [ __ ] I’m trying to focus. Looks like Donatello.

12 minutes, 4 seconds

That’s terrible. By the way, Sakuse wanted us to face each other as though that’s how podcasts have ever worked ever. He’s like, “You guys can’t see each other.” But, by the way, I can turn

12 minutes, 13 seconds

my neck. I mean, that’s crazy. Like, like we’re we’re promoting a fight.

12 minutes, 16 seconds

But you’re not connecting. See how disjointed this pod is? I’ve never connected once.

12 minutes, 21 seconds

What are you kidding? I haven’t made eye contact since 88.

12 minutes, 23 seconds

Um, I’m getting trashed online cuz I’m trying to sell a vinyl, which we’d love to have you.

12 minutes, 28 seconds

You keep saying they’ve been saying this to me for two years. I’ve never seen the vinyl.

12 minutes, 31 seconds

Oh, I didn’t know if you were interested. I keep saying yes. All right.

12 minutes, 34 seconds

This is like Spokane. It’s every 10 minutes. Yeah. By the way, Spokane next week.

12 minutes, 39 seconds

Every time I see you, you’re like, “Will you sign some vinyls? We’ll give you four grand.” I’m like, “Great. Sounds awesome.” Oh, you’ll make more than that. Oh, perfect. Maybe not.

12 minutes, 47 seconds

But, uh Oh, they, you know, I’m signing these vinyls. And they shoot you and they go, “Hey, uh, you know, they can film you. They go shoot you for laughing.

12 minutes, 55 seconds

This would be a good promo for the vinyls.” And I’m looking that way and they go, “Even the camera he can’t look at. He can’t even look down the barrel of the camera.

13 minutes, 3 seconds

Oh, so that that’s every comment. That’s how you go viral now. You have an off thing instead of the real thing that you want to happen.

13 minutes, 11 seconds

Uh, let’s see. You goof. We did a promo for me going to England.

13 minutes, 17 seconds

And we put the Australian flag in the back on accident.

13 minutes, 20 seconds

Every comment was like, “Idiot. It’s the wrong flag. God hates flag. Jer flag.” And it blew it up.

13 minutes, 26 seconds

You didn’t know the difference between the Australian flag and the flag. We didn’t know the difference. We did it intentionally wrong to get people to you. Oh, you imply. Yeah.

13 minutes, 34 seconds

I didn’t Well, I didn’t put the flag on, but I bought it. The editor did. The editor. I see. Well, he’s a genius. Yeah.

13 minutes, 39 seconds

Oh, that’s smart. But sometimes you do stuff like this and people are like, “You’re a [ __ ] moron.” You’re like, “I’m doing a bit for Christ’s sakes.” Well, that’s a whole another bag of

13 minutes, 47 seconds

[ __ ]

13 minutes, 47 seconds

That’s a bag of farts. But um how about Ron on last night? The Jewiest guy on the planet. He’s like, “Kanye, I don’t get it. He’s not good.” I’m like,

13 minutes, 55 seconds

“People like Kanye.” He’s like, “He’s great. Can’t even play one instrument.” And I’m like, just say he’s anti-Semitic and that’s why you’re bad.

14 minutes, 2 seconds

Well, I don’t I mean, I’m not overly familiar with Kanye, what he does, but someone was he was claiming Ronald was claiming he doesn’t write lyrics, but he

14 minutes, 10 seconds

must he must He has lyrics. Great [ __ ] writer. Yeah. Oh, is he?

14 minutes, 16 seconds

Yes. Unbelievable. And a better producer than a writer, too. Wow.

14 minutes, 20 seconds

But it is it is kind of a bummer that musicians famous can’t play an instrument. That does bother me. It’s like if a comedian can’t write a joke, like what are we doing here?

14 minutes, 30 seconds

Well, but singing is an instrument. Yeah.

14 minutes, 33 seconds

If you’re writing songs and singing them, that’s something.

14 minutes, 36 seconds

That’s true. But can is he even a singer? Like, can he hit an A note and a B note? I think he’s just rapping.

14 minutes, 41 seconds

Well, I think there’s different strokes for different folks. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I like, you know, I like [ __ ] uh, you know, Jimmyi Hendris more than I like Kanye, but they’re

14 minutes, 50 seconds

still they’re still skilled. Hey, will you throw me one of those waters there, Sally?

14 minutes, 54 seconds

He plays an instrument. Um, wow. I’ve never seen you miss anything in my life.

15 minutes, 4 seconds

Good to have you back.

15 minutes, 5 seconds

But anyways, yeah, he doesn’t play an instrument, but he’s still uh singing.

15 minutes, 9 seconds

Maybe he can play something. I don’t know. Did you watch Shanganger? The Rick Rubin Shanganger I can’t get into it. Put some shoes on.

15 minutes, 15 seconds

You guys hate Rick Rubin. He’s [ __ ] amazing.

15 minutes, 18 seconds

Amazing. He can’t play an instrument either.

15 minutes, 20 seconds

He can play an instrument. He was in a band. We had this debate before. You and I had this debate on my podcast. What is it? Piano.

15 minutes, 25 seconds

No, I played guitar in a band called Hose. Hose. Hose. H O S E. Big punk guy.

15 minutes, 33 seconds

Hose beast. Remember that? Oh, yeah. She’s a real hose beast. What does that mean? Psycho hose beast.

15 minutes, 38 seconds

I think it meant like she she sucks dick. She She’s a beast for the for the dick. Oh, that’s pretty good. Hose beast is good. I like that.

15 minutes, 45 seconds

90s had some great ones. Hurl. I’m going to hurl.

15 minutes, 47 seconds

Oh, yeah. Spew. These are all just Wayne’s world. I feel like that’s all Wayne’s world. Swing. Uh, but yes, Rick Rubin plays guitar. This is a

15 minutes, 54 seconds

big debate Matt and I had. And Ryan Hamilton, who’s great. We got to see Ryan Hamilton last night. It’s always like New York.

16 minutes, 2 seconds

Yeah. All he does is get musicians to do their best stuff. Like, isn’t that what a producer does? That’s what a producer is.

16 minutes, 10 seconds

Yeah, that’s true. Well, his books, Have you read his book? No.

16 minutes, 13 seconds

You should listen to his book. He does the audio. It’ll change your whole life.

16 minutes, 17 seconds

Matt Ruby said the same thing. He said, “The book is unbelievable.

16 minutes, 20 seconds

It’s incredible. I’m listening to it for the third time. I have it on all the time. Yeah. It’s just a nice thing to have on and it really makes you you queef and think.

16 minutes, 27 seconds

Can you send me that link? You don’t know how to get a book? I can’t figure it out. I tried once. What do you Amazon? Audible?

16 minutes, 34 seconds

Ah, I got to sign up for a thing.

16 minutes, 36 seconds

You just got Audible and then you go give me the thing. That way you can consume books.

16 minutes, 40 seconds

Can I just do it uh on the you not YouTube uh Apple?

16 minutes, 45 seconds

I don’t know. Do they have They have books on Apple. I don’t think I assume they would have a book on Apple.

16 minutes, 50 seconds

Maybe book on tape. I don’t know. I don’t know how it works.

16 minutes, 53 seconds

I just have Audible. They got all the books on there. You put the book on and you put it on last night and I slept in it. All right.

16 minutes, 58 seconds

But it’s a very interesting stuff. Good stuff.

17 minutes, 1 second

People say that book and the Agassy People saying the Agassy book is the best sports book of all time.

17 minutes, 5 seconds

I read that book. I liked it, but I didn’t I didn’t like I mean different kinds of books. Sure.

17 minutes, 10 seconds

I didn’t read the Agassy book open. I wasn’t like this is going to change my approach to comedy. Yeah, but the Reuben does.

17 minutes, 20 seconds

Okay. All right. Well, it I get I get real into that Arty [ __ ] So, Arty Fukqua Arty Lang.

17 minutes, 25 seconds

So, if it’s something like that, I’m down.

17 minutes, 27 seconds

The problem with the lab is I can’t fart in the mic the way I like. You can fart in mine.

17 minutes, 32 seconds

It’s not bad. Okay, maybe I’ll do a handstand. By the way, right before we started recording, you can buy it on tape on Apple Music. You can buy the on tape.

17 minutes, 40 seconds

Now, send you a cassette one time cuz I don’t audible. You got to do monthly and that’s what I hate. The monthly do monthly. I don’t pay monthly.

17 minutes, 48 seconds

I just buy a book. Oh, okay.

17 minutes, 50 seconds

You can do monthly or you can just buy books. That’s what I do. I’ll buy books. What’s it? What’s it? 15 bucks. 16.99. All right. Bad for a book.

17 minutes, 59 seconds

[ __ ] me. I lost my thought. Oh, right before this, Mark just took the biggest, stinkiest, wildest [ __ ] Door open vodka. Didn’t hear the water run afterwards, by the way, I might add.

18 minutes, 9 seconds

Just a open door.

18 minutes, 10 seconds

We’re all friends here. Nobody’s washing their hands, so we can open open door. [ __ ] No hand wash and I can smell it from here as sure as that dog can smell it.

18 minutes, 20 seconds

I didn’t want to miss the conversation. And uh yeah, wild. I got FOMO.

18 minutes, 25 seconds

I gota I gotta [ __ ] myself, but I’m holding it in. Yeah, homo.

18 minutes, 29 seconds

You guys leave now. Sagu says he could never [ __ ] on top of someone else’s [ __ ] Like even if flushed right after I can’t [ __ ] after another man, you do it every day.

18 minutes, 37 seconds

What about a woman? I probably couldn’t.

18 minutes, 39 seconds

So Stacy goes in the bathroom, just [ __ ] lays a egg. Just a real baby leg [ __ ] really ever happened.

18 minutes, 45 seconds

And then she flushes and you got to go next. What do you do?

18 minutes, 49 seconds

I would go to the lobby where there’s a bathroom and [ __ ] downstairs.

18 minutes, 52 seconds

That’s what H Foley does. That was on Are you garbage? He goes to his building lobby to [ __ ] What? That’s wacky.

18 minutes, 59 seconds

I want a home [ __ ] You want a Hollywood bowl?

19 minutes, 3 seconds

I want a home field advantage. I just want to be in my house, dick out, you know, reading whatever I want to do. Rick Rubin.

19 minutes, 11 seconds

Although it is fun to [ __ ] other plays like the lobby. You can go ham with the toilet paper. Yes, you can wrap that thing around your hand 500 times and really kill a tree.

19 minutes, 20 seconds

But I’m in a hotel. I can I can do similar hotel, too.

19 minutes, 24 seconds

Yeah, I I flushed like eight times. I use so much toilet paper.

19 minutes, 26 seconds

Me, too. I got a real boxing glove. And what’s your wiping technique there, Mark?

19 minutes, 31 seconds

I wrap it around and I go up. I’m an upper front from ball side. No, balls first up.

19 minutes, 38 seconds

Yeah, I do the same thing. I lead. And some people do this [ __ ] which those people should be put in a goolog. A pulog.

19 minutes, 44 seconds

Well, certainly women can’t do that because it gets in their [ __ ] That’s true. What are you, a doctor? [ __ ] disease.

19 minutes, 53 seconds

Think of whatever that poo [ __ ] It’s crazy that poo is poison. It came out of you and then if it hits you again, you get hurt.

20 minutes, 1 second

Well, that’s cuz it’s the waste. It’s the waste. Yeah. Waste management.

20 minutes, 4 seconds

It’s crazy. You eat food and turn it into energy. Whatever you don’t use for energy, you [ __ ] out and it smells and it’s funny. What a machine we have here.

20 minutes, 11 seconds

Oh, it’s a great machine. Rest in peace, bird. I’m serious. It doesn’t smell bad. Huh?

20 minutes, 17 seconds

We think it smells bad because it’s poison. So, we’re trying Oh, interesting. No, no, you’re close. It does smell bad.

20 minutes, 26 seconds

We’re not that close.

20 minutes, 26 seconds

Science makes it smell bad. So, we don’t It smells like eggs. I eat eggs. You ate eggs for breakfast.

20 minutes, 31 seconds

No, it doesn’t smell like eggs. [ __ ] and eggs don’t smell the same.

20 minutes, 35 seconds

Yeah. Yeah. [ __ ] smells like [ __ ] Rotten eggs. Well, later weird eggs that have been wiped in [ __ ] What are you talking about? But here’s the [ __ ] smells like eggs.

20 minutes, 43 seconds

The crazy part is it’s waste. It’s poison. It smells like eggs. It’s [ __ ] But you put it in the dirt. You got a plant. It’s great for the dirt.

20 minutes, 52 seconds

You don’t put the [ __ ] in the dirt.

20 minutes, 53 seconds

You put it right on the dirt. It’s fertilizer.

20 minutes, 55 seconds

Well, you got to have a plant first, though. It’s not like the poo grows a poo tree.

20 minutes, 58 seconds

No, that’s true. But it’s good. It’s good for the tuna. It’s good for the soil.

21 minutes, 2 seconds

I see. You throw a cat [ __ ] in a in a in a garden, man. You’re It’s like putting steroids on a on a guy.

21 minutes, 10 seconds

Rat [ __ ] Cat [ __ ] Dirty dirt. 69 [ __ ] tied the knot. Oh, yeah.

21 minutes, 15 seconds

Hooray. Lizard [ __ ]

21 minutes, 16 seconds

[ __ ] [ __ ]

21 minutes, 18 seconds

[ __ ]

21 minutes, 18 seconds

I think it’s [ __ ] Yeah, I think it’s [ __ ] Yeah, he was having a lot of fun. He sure was.

21 minutes, 22 seconds

Got no fight with Ron on over who’s better, Carlin or Hicks. He’s a Hicks fan. He loves Hicks.

21 minutes, 27 seconds

I would say Carlin pound-for-pound. You can’t beat that.

21 minutes, 31 seconds

He had every discipline, every pun, every social commentary, dirty, clean, observational. Whereas Hicks was just like the angry guy.

21 minutes, 40 seconds

Well, but Hicks had some silly. He had silly and political.

21 minutes, 44 seconds

But I do think there’s the problem that happens. I think when you have such a huge category or not category, catalog. Yes. Yes.

21 minutes, 53 seconds

There’s so much bad. I had a catalog in the toilet.

21 minutes, 56 seconds

There’s so much bad in there. So I think a lot of car you can open up or go to a Carlin and he’s like you know get on the

22 minutes, 3 seconds

plane [ __ ] you getting in the plane you’re like what or whatever. How do you know when a moth farts? It goes straight for a second. I think some people watch that and

22 minutes, 11 seconds

Ronald’s a little bit younger. He maybe didn’t see it when he was that age. Sure.

22 minutes, 16 seconds

Cuz Carlin I saw when I was eight and nine I was like oh my god this is crazy.

22 minutes, 20 seconds

And then you see it when you’re 30 you might be like huh.

22 minutes, 23 seconds

Right. Right. But Hicks, you know, like he’s great. And you watch that Dangerfield special or whatever he did that 10 minutes,

22 minutes, 31 seconds

it was just it’s just so uh what’s the word where you’re like it’s it’s uh it’s black pill. It’s just so like [ __ ] the

22 minutes, 39 seconds

world. The world’s over. He’s going to die in front of the TV as a fat disgusting piece of [ __ ] I’m going to laugh because I’m going to be on TV. And it’s just so um it was dark.

22 minutes, 49 seconds

Yeah, Carla’s got some dark. Stanhop’s got some of that, too. That’s true.

22 minutes, 54 seconds

But um I love Hick. I go back and listen to Hicks still. It’s great. There’s a lot of great stuff in there.

22 minutes, 59 seconds

And then a lot of people doing Hicks later.

23 minutes, 2 seconds

It’s also crazy with Hicks now, by the like on this this podcast, I’ll be like, “Oh yeah, Trump is uh I don’t care for him.” And people are like, “You

23 minutes, 10 seconds

[ __ ] you’re alienating the audience. You piece of shit.” Bill Hicks is like, “I hope George Bush gets shot

23 minutes, 17 seconds

in the face.” True. [ __ ] him. They should hang him. String him up. And the crowd is like, “Woohoo! It’s in Texas.

23 minutes, 24 seconds

This is the first Bush.” It’s like crazy. Back then, you could just be like, “Fuck that guy. I don’t care for that guy.” And nobody was like, “I’m alienated.”

23 minutes, 33 seconds

I’m sure somebody was, but I’m sure someone was, but for the most part, I mean, by the way, I mean, this is like a side topic. This will cause a problem, too.

23 minutes, 41 seconds

Why does everyone just assume like if you make fun of a president, you’re like, they’re always like, “You’re alienating your audience.” You’re like, “Well, why are they alienated?”

23 minutes, 50 seconds

I’ve never been I’ve never heard one artist I like [ __ ] on somebody I like and be like I’m never talking to them again. Yeah.

23 minutes, 57 seconds

Isn’t that weird? Aren’t you just weak?

23 minutes, 59 seconds

Well, there’s something with the Trump stuff where they people get real snowflaky about that. You know, everybody’s a snowflake, everybody’s offended, everybody’s a quef, but then

24 minutes, 7 seconds

you make fun of Trump and they’re like, “Not on my watch, you piece of shit.” And I’m like, “Well, now you’re doing it.” It’s crazy. I I just I’ve never like

24 minutes, 14 seconds

there’s many artists that are like too far left for me politically, too far right for me politically. I still love them. I know.

24 minutes, 22 seconds

Like John Hughes is like a conservative guy. I’m never like this. I’ll never watch Ferris Buer again. Yeah. Exactly.

24 minutes, 29 seconds

It’s just I don’t get I don’t understand that concept. Yeah. And you know, there’s plenty of certainly plenty of artists that I love that are way farther left than I could ever imagine being.

24 minutes, 38 seconds

Stephen King is super left, but the I like Standby Me.

24 minutes, 42 seconds

Yeah. Yeah. I’ve never been like, well, you I can’t I guess the problem is strange to me.

24 minutes, 49 seconds

If uh who did you say? Oh, John Hughes.

24 minutes, 51 seconds

John Hughes says nothing about politics in the movies. I suppose.

24 minutes, 55 seconds

So, you could say, “Oh, he’s great, but then he started talking about being [ __ ] on the left, so now I hate him.” Right. So, I guess that’s the key.

25 minutes, 3 seconds

No, but there’s other people like that in their art they do it. I’ll try to think of an example, but I’ve just never been like, I’ll never listen to them

25 minutes, 11 seconds

again. Yeah, you know, I’m alienated.

25 minutes, 13 seconds

The weirdest is why are you alienated?

25 minutes, 15 seconds

Yeah, athletes are the weirdest one where they’re like, he’s this he’s super that way. And you’re like, he’s dunking, right? Who cares about the the opinions, right?

25 minutes, 23 seconds

He’s shooting a ball or he’s swinging a bat.

25 minutes, 25 seconds

That’s what Charles Barkley say. I never asked to be anyone’s role model. I like that.

25 minutes, 29 seconds

I’m playing basketball. What do you want me to do here? Here. But uh I’ll think of an example of some art that I was like but I’ve never I’ve never thought to myself

25 minutes, 37 seconds

I won’t watch their movie again because they said this about somebody.

25 minutes, 41 seconds

That’s crazy. I guess if it get if it ruins the art if the art only becomes about that now we got a problem.

25 minutes, 47 seconds

Yeah. I suppose think of someone that did that.

25 minutes, 50 seconds

You know what’s one I never got was when uh Jordan said, “Hey, Republicans buy sneakers, too.” Everybody’s like, “Can you believe that?” I’m like, “Well, they do. They’re I don’t know. They’re human beings who wear shoes.” Right. Right.

25 minutes, 59 seconds

Well, why can’t you sell him shoes? Cuz they’re Republicans. That makes sense.

26 minutes, 3 seconds

Well, people want to buy milk and and cars.

26 minutes, 5 seconds

People are upset about Jordan, too, cuz he he could have changed Nike’s practices by being like, “Hey, I’m not doing another commercial.” And I think that’s an argument you could argue.

26 minutes, 13 seconds

He could be like, “Hey, pay these Asian boys some some fair prices or I won’t do another billboard.” Yeah, he’s he’s

26 minutes, 21 seconds

he’s Michael Jordan. He’s got his own stuff going on.

26 minutes, 23 seconds

Yeah, he’s making money and making baskets. Well, that’s the you can’t make anyone be what you want them to be. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

26 minutes, 31 seconds

You’re like, Magic Johnson should cure AIDS in Africa and you’re like, he’s got movie theater.

26 minutes, 36 seconds

Yeah. He’s got some other thing.

26 minutes, 38 seconds

Um, this you see my point about the alienation.

26 minutes, 43 seconds

If you like the artist, you like the artist.

26 minutes, 45 seconds

It does. It’s so strange to me to be like, he made a joke about Obama. I mean, like Nick Depalo has made a million jokes about uh whoever. I’m never like this. What?

26 minutes, 54 seconds

He’s still funny. Is that out of here? Yeah, like what are we? I don’t get it.

26 minutes, 57 seconds

But I think you’re rare. I think that’s um an open-minded take.

27 minutes, 1 second

But I think it was like that for most of time. It’s only more recently. Yeah. Yeah. And I think the last 10 years.

27 minutes, 10 seconds

[ __ ] I had something. I lost it.

27 minutes, 11 seconds

That’s also the same time we’ve been hearing everyone’s opinion all the time. True. True.

27 minutes, 16 seconds

So this may have been happening. You just don’t hear about it all the [ __ ] time.

27 minutes, 20 seconds

Yeah. And politics has wiggled its way into every goddamn topic, art form, movie, whatever.

27 minutes, 27 seconds

But I think people think things are political when they’re really not. They’re not necessarily political.

27 minutes, 32 seconds

Yeah. Well, that’s that’s another problem.

27 minutes, 33 seconds

Make it political. I mean, now saying [ __ ] is political.

27 minutes, 36 seconds

Exact. Oh, you’re rightwing. You said [ __ ] Like, wait, what?

27 minutes, 39 seconds

I had this when I posted when the team USA won gold. I was posting about it and people were like, you [ __ ] Your president’s a piece of [ __ ] I’m like,

27 minutes, 47 seconds

that’s a hockey game. I don’t care about the president.

27 minutes, 50 seconds

Yeah, they won. I mean, even an American flag now, which used to just be the norm. That was like the the default, right? Is now like a statement.

27 minutes, 58 seconds

Yeah.

27 minutes, 59 seconds

Everything’s a statement. Stop trying to figure me out.

28 minutes, 2 seconds

Just enjoy the [ __ ] I’m not ticking. Stop saying I’m ticking. What makes you tick? I’m not ticking. Jay Leno, comedians of cars.

28 minutes, 11 seconds

I’m not ticking.

28 minutes, 12 seconds

I’m not ticking. That’s funny. David, I had a thing right on this this [ __ ] wheel. Jiz house and I lost it. Rat house.

28 minutes, 21 seconds

Okay. Politics. George Bush. Bill Hicks.

28 minutes, 24 seconds

Your friend Mark is on No Sleep. Can you tell us what you did last night?

28 minutes, 27 seconds

Oh, sure. So, what are you directing? No, this is what he does.

28 minutes, 32 seconds

Oh, I’m sorry. I think I’m on the other podcast. I am drunk. I might be.

28 minutes, 37 seconds

So, yeah. Uh, the reason why he can’t come up with things off the top of his head because he had a [ __ ] razor last night.

28 minutes, 42 seconds

Yeah. Well, it’s the first night of the fest and they just throw you right in.

28 minutes, 45 seconds

So, we had the pod and we’re hanging out with No, no, I’m stretching. I’m stretching.

28 minutes, 49 seconds

Oh, I got the mic in tweaked. I thought you were crowning.

28 minutes, 54 seconds

So, uh we had the pod and uh I was getting a little antsy in that that green room. It was too loud. I was losing my voice trying to talk to

29 minutes, 2 seconds

whatever. And I started putting down some vodka sodas which John was putting them back which was fun. Oh, you can drink.

29 minutes, 9 seconds

Yeah. So, boy, he looks great by the way. Yeah, he’s all slimmed up and good beard going, glasses. So, uh, started

29 minutes, 17 seconds

started hitting the sauce. Then you go to the store and then right when you hit the store, there’s a there’s an energy, you know, you could feel it. I get this guy in. He he was getting blacklisted.

29 minutes, 25 seconds

Nobody wanted to touch him. A lady chewed him out for bringing a camera in. I’m not so thrilled he’s here.

29 minutes, 32 seconds

So, uh, we go to the store and then they go, “You got to go on.” You do the O and everybody’s hanging out. And then you look in the other room, the main room, and it’s Jim Jeff is on stage killing.

29 minutes, 40 seconds

Then you walk to the belly room, they’re doing roast battle with Jeff Ross and Hinchcliffe and D. Rosa, and you’re like, “Oh my god, D. Roa’s here. He’s here.

29 minutes, 48 seconds

Wow.” Then you go in the kitchen. I’m talking with Simon Rex, Ari, Adam Eaggan. You know, we’re all hanging out. You’re like, “Whoa.” Everywhere you turn, there’s people and you’re high-fiving.

29 minutes, 56 seconds

You’re hugging. And then there’s the back bar. Cros. Oh, yeah.

30 minutes

The back bar. Free drinks flowing like the salmon of Capistrano. There’s Gomez and Bert and Theo. And me.

30 minutes, 7 seconds

I saw these. These you posted that Jonathan Brooks Wheeling. Brooks Wheelen’s back. There’s McCann and some other guy.

30 minutes, 15 seconds

This guy went funny AF. That’s him. Yeah.

30 minutes, 18 seconds

Oh, shout out to this day. Ron Taylor. Yes. Good for him.

30 minutes, 21 seconds

Ron Taylor, huh?

30 minutes, 23 seconds

Oh, there’s Adrien Paluch. I mean, it was just a just a who’s who. There’s old Timmy D. Dan. Wow.

30 minutes, 30 seconds

So, this is night one for me. So, it’s free drinks. everybody you know is there except you and uh it’s full houses and

30 minutes, 38 seconds

pack crowds and all these people that you like and don’t like and uh so so then you’re like, “Okay, it’s 3:00

30 minutes, 45 seconds

a.m. I it’s 7:00 a.m. in New York or 6:00 a.m. in New York.

30 minutes, 49 seconds

It’s 3:00 a.m. I must be lonely.” And now here’s the thing, though. I got my hotel is next to the store. So every 10 minutes I go, I should get out of

30 minutes, 58 seconds

here. I’m right here, though. There’s no travel time. So you start uh validating validating yeah justifying

31 minutes, 6 seconds

quantifying justifying validating justifying validate works too I think okay we start okay it’s a 4-minute walk well what’s the hangover is 10 more and

31 minutes, 14 seconds

then Shane’s jet lands he opens the door 18 guys walk out it’s Tommy Pope it’s

31 minutes, 22 seconds

Chris O’ Conor it’s Shane Gillis it’s the other guy James McCann and you’re like I guess I got to have a drink with Shane and then he gets you the headlock

31 minutes, 29 seconds

and and photos and then before you know it, you’re like, “All right, I don’t even know if I can make it to the hotel.

31 minutes, 35 seconds

Oh boy, I’m that drunk.” And then I get to the hotel, you pass out, then do a pod.

31 minutes, 42 seconds

Yeah, we had breakfast. Nice breakfast. Great breakfast.

31 minutes, 46 seconds

Um, well, first of all, it’s funny because we had a big hang at the improv and I thought that was a great night.

31 minutes, 52 seconds

That was like we had we had Hamilton, John, Walsh, Burr, Fitz Simmons, Fahhem, you, me, no Salakuse. That was beautiful. That’s a plus.

32 minutes, 1 second

We had Jason Catz and uh Ryan.

32 minutes, 6 seconds

And so that was fun. And it was like 11:00 or something. And so I’m like, “Oh, it’s 2 a.m. my time. I woke up at 4:00 a.m. I took the early flight out.

32 minutes, 13 seconds

So I’m like, that’s a that’s a wrap.” I wake up, I look at my uh phone, it’s Bert and Tony. Everyone’s in there. I didn’t I didn’t know everyone was over

32 minutes, 21 seconds

there. Well, I think the store is just the goat. It’s the default. I don’t know where to go. Go to the store. And then one guy goes, “There’s an afterparty next door.” And everybody laughed at him

32 minutes, 30 seconds

cuz we’re at the party. You want to leave this to go to this [ __ ] at the party. Afterparty.

32 minutes, 34 seconds

Joanne Griion was there. So Ann uh Harris. Yes.

32 minutes, 38 seconds

Wow. I was on a flight with her recently. Ah, she’s a good egg. Yeah, they’re both great eggs.

32 minutes, 43 seconds

Isn’t it crazy? These are the two women who used to book Comedy Central back in the 40s.

32 minutes, 47 seconds

Yeah. And I was so scared of them because they can make or break your life 20 years ago. So you’re like, “Oh my god, this Joanne be on your best

32 minutes, 55 seconds

behavior.” She’s still at Netflix, right?

32 minutes, 57 seconds

She’s still at Netflix, but now we’ve both been on the platform. You just kind of She’s like a peer now, right?

33 minutes, 2 seconds

Peer pressure. Pierce Morgan. Um, so I’m just like, “Hey Joanne, what’s shaking?” And I’m making fun of her outfit, whatever. But it’s kind of And I’m I’m

33 minutes, 10 seconds

older. I’m in my 40s. So am I going to be scared of this adult?

33 minutes, 14 seconds

Yeah. Now there’s plenty of adults we’re scared of this.

33 minutes, 16 seconds

That’s true. One of them was on our pod last night. Um, but uh, yeah, it was fun. But I don’t know how you do it. I’m like I was wiped out. I couldn’t keep my eyes open back there.

33 minutes, 25 seconds

It’s like that prior thing. It got good to me. I can’t I can’t cut it off. Like once the the hang is going and the hotel’s next door, I’m I’m good.

33 minutes, 33 seconds

I watched a lovely documentary about a female chess player.

33 minutes, 36 seconds

Ah, they have those. I went till about 12:35 a.m. and I took his took a nice nap, woke up, facetimed the boy, went to

33 minutes, 44 seconds

the gym, meditated, took a steam, saw Gman and Ron White and was nice and early for breakfast.

33 minutes, 51 seconds

There you go. Feel like a million bucks.

33 minutes, 53 seconds

You’re hurting. I got two more paws today and a headlining set. That’s brutal. And it’s a 10 p.m. show. I know.

34 minutes, 2 seconds

That’s nuts.

34 minutes, 3 seconds

You know that Queen’s Gambit was made up. You know that show on Netflix?

34 minutes, 8 seconds

I think I remember it was a big hit about a female chess player and all these women were like, “Hey, all right, finally some representation.” The whole thing was made up. It was fictional.

34 minutes, 16 seconds

But there is a female a family of female tennis players which they talk about in that book atomic uh chess.

34 minutes, 21 seconds

Ah they talk about in that book atomic habits. this dad, you know what this guy, he’s a Hungarian dad. And he was, they

34 minutes, 29 seconds

were very poor, you know, cold war [ __ ] communism. And he decided he realized that all he started studying

34 minutes, 37 seconds

geniuses, everyone that’s like really Edison and whoever the [ __ ] I don’t know, Amadeus. And all of them put all day and night into one thing.

34 minutes, 47 seconds

That’s why they were genius. They weren’t any different. They just put all their effort. So he decided, I’m going to make my children chess geniuses.

34 minutes, 56 seconds

Wow.

34 minutes, 56 seconds

So when they turned five, he had three daughters.

34 minutes, 59 seconds

These are my daughters. When they turned five, he just started playing them chess. He homeschooled them. They were playing chess like 12 hours a day. Jesus.

35 minutes, 7 seconds

And each was better than the last. And the youngest one, Judith became like the best chess player in the world. Yeah. Queen of chess it’s called.

35 minutes, 15 seconds

There you go.

35 minutes, 16 seconds

And so I had heard a little bit about it from that book, Atomic Habits.

35 minutes, 19 seconds

Basically, he was like, “If you take any person and start them playing chess from the age of five all day, every day and night, they’ll be a G.” And then people were like, “This guy’s abusing his

35 minutes, 27 seconds

children. This is crazy.” And they were like, “This is crazy. This is crazy.” And but the children were like, “We love it. We had fun.” They went all over the world and she beat Gary Kasparov and it

35 minutes, 36 seconds

became like and all they have all this footage of guys being like, “Women have small brains. They’re no good at chess.” Bobby Fischer’s like, “They’re terrible.

35 minutes, 44 seconds

These women are idiots.” So, it’s interesting. Interesting. Watch. Yeah. Well, would you say he’s abusive? What’s the debate there?

35 minutes, 52 seconds

Cuz there’s got to be times where a little kid was like, “I’m dying, Dad.

35 minutes, 55 seconds

I’m about 9 hours of chat. I want to go outside, you [ __ ] homo.” Yeah, it’s a little weird, but I think it was also, you know, cold war whatever

36 minutes, 3 seconds

[ __ ] So, curtain stuff. So, I don’t know. But it got them out and they made them money, I guess. But that’s a little strange. I wouldn’t do that.

36 minutes, 11 seconds

But then you got Joe Jackson. You got Tiger Woods’s dad. Maybe there’s something to these abusive fathers who make their kids worked out great for both those guys.

36 minutes, 19 seconds

They’re doing great. Tiger Woods is a hell of a driver and Jackson apparently his movie’s good. He uh I don’t know if it’s his movie.

36 minutes, 27 seconds

It’s about him. He’s pretty dead. It’s his nephew.

36 minutes, 29 seconds

Well, Sakus has got Charlie taking photos all day every day with a whip.

36 minutes, 35 seconds

He’s like, “Focus.” Yeah.

36 minutes, 36 seconds

He’s like, “You don’t fat daddy.” Well, well, they always say let the kid find himself. You got to let the kid be.

36 minutes, 43 seconds

But I don’t know. Maybe not. Maybe you got to have just forced their head into a chess board and hit them.

36 minutes, 47 seconds

Yeah, that’s what that’s what happened in this situation. But it’s a hell of a picture. Did you watch The Untold about chess?

36 minutes, 53 seconds

You know the Oh, yeah. I was watching that one, too.

36 minutes, 55 seconds

That is fascinating. It’s this kid who blew up on online chess. Mhm.

37 minutes

And then he starts getting up the ranks and he’s a real [ __ ] He’s a piece of [ __ ] He’s cocky. Everybody hates him.

37 minutes, 5 seconds

He’s eccentric. He’s got wacky hair. And he works his way up and he’s starting to beat everybody. So they’re like, “Oh, maybe this guy is good.” Then it comes out that he cheated. Mhm.

37 minutes, 14 seconds

He plays uh Magnus. Yes.

37 minutes, 17 seconds

What’s that guy? He’s kind of Crow Magnamy.

37 minutes, 19 seconds

Crow Magnus. And he plays him and he beats him, right?

37 minutes, 24 seconds

And he’s like, “Wait, what?” It’s like It’s like uh Sal is beating Michael Jordan. You’re like, “What? How’d this happen?” Right. Magnus Carlson.

37 minutes, 30 seconds

Thank you, Magnus. Condom. And uh he’s like, “This guy must have been cheating cuz how could he beat me? He must have

37 minutes, 37 seconds

cheated.” So they go So they go back and they find out he was cheating on the online stuff.

37 minutes, 42 seconds

Okay. So then they’re like, “Oh, so he is a cheater, but he goes, I was, but I didn’t cheat on this.” So then they play again. I don’t want to give it away.

37 minutes, 50 seconds

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, this is a lot of the movie.

37 minutes, 52 seconds

Did you hear how he accused him of cheating?

37 minutes, 55 seconds

Cuz they search they search you for anal stuff.

37 minutes, 58 seconds

Yeah. They search you for devices before you go on. He had a metal egg up his ass.

38 minutes, 6 seconds

Like Jack Nicholson. Shut up. Trust.

38 minutes, 11 seconds

That’s another story. Oh, you didn’t tell me that. Trust tree. Oh, trust tree.

38 minutes, 16 seconds

So, yeah, he had a he had a a metal ball of his ass that would vibrate to tell him what to play. Like Queen Q R4.

38 minutes, 24 seconds

It has that voice in his ass. You think it would be like, “Wow.” Up his ass like Christopher Walkin.

38 minutes, 31 seconds

Yes. Yes. The watch.

38 minutes, 32 seconds

Wow. That’s That’s something else. I would never put anything in my ass for any reason. If somebody asked me to smuggle heroin into a country, you know,

38 minutes, 40 seconds

hold my hairbrush, whatever it is, I’m not putting anything in my ass for any reason. Maybe a heel. That’s a bit though.

38 minutes, 48 seconds

Okay.

38 minutes, 48 seconds

A heel comes out. A heel has a It’s got a hook on it, so it it won’t go all the way in.

38 minutes, 53 seconds

Yeah. They’re designed for men, which is kind of hot.

38 minutes, 55 seconds

That’s true. But but a heroin, that [ __ ] can get lost up there. That balloon. Yeah. Forget about it.

39 minutes, 2 seconds

Well, some people they swallow it and then [ __ ] it out, which is also insane. That I’d rather do. Oh, swallowing a balloon.

39 minutes, 9 seconds

I’d rather swallow [ __ ] What’s up with those guys who eat fish? Remember that was a big frat thing?

39 minutes, 13 seconds

Yeah. Jah Hill. I got an uncle that did it once, too.

39 minutes, 16 seconds

Animal House. Yeah, that was a big trope in the in the 70s.

39 minutes, 19 seconds

Well, I eat fish, but I I cook it and chop it up. That’s fish dicks.

39 minutes, 23 seconds

You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish. Who’s that again? Jerry.

39 minutes, 29 seconds

Yeah. And the lady goes, she doesn’t laugh. Oh yeah.

39 minutes, 33 seconds

Oh boy. We are really scraping the bottom of my [ __ ] here. We’re rolling there. We’re rolling. We’re rolling.

39 minutes, 40 seconds

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44 minutes, 17 seconds

Uh, what else happened last night? Me. Uh, let’s see.

44 minutes, 22 seconds

Did the pause. I’m doing Story Wars at midnight tonight. So, I’m not getting home till crack.

44 minutes, 28 seconds

That’s crazy. I don’t know. I don’t know how you live your life like this.

44 minutes, 31 seconds

I’m a burning the candle. But here’s what I I figure. Midnight.

44 minutes, 35 seconds

I get on that flight. I’m flying Friday morning 8 a.m. to Toronto, which is a

44 minutes, 41 seconds

[ __ ]

44 minutes, 42 seconds

Wait, I’ll be at the airport, too. I have an 81. No, I have a six something flight. I’m United. Never mind. I’m Delta. Okay. So, you’re going to Toronto?

44 minutes, 48 seconds

I’m going to Toronto. So, I figure, all right, that’s a six-hour flight. That’s when I’ll crash. That’s when I’ll like catch up and regroup.

44 minutes, 57 seconds

Wow.

44 minutes, 57 seconds

I used to open for Bert. And we do We did a European tour.

45 minutes, 1 second

And he would go out all night. We drank all night. He’s an animal. This is back in his heyday. I was younger. I was probably like 33. So, I was a [ __ ] psycho, too.

45 minutes, 10 seconds

That’s empty. So then he would go out all night and then we’d have like a 9:00 a.m. flight and he was in hell. He was in shambles. And he goes, “I’m just

45 minutes, 18 seconds

going to borrow time for tomorrow. I’m going to borrow time from tomorrow.” He would always whisper that to himself.

45 minutes, 21 seconds

I’m borrowing time for tomorrow. And I’m like, “Well, eventually you’re going to borrow enough time you’re going to die.” Yeah. And blood clots. That’s where he’s at now. Yeah.

45 minutes, 29 seconds

Quit drinking.

45 minutes, 31 seconds

That’s good. Glad to hear that. But yeah, I mean, midnight show. I I couldn’t do it physically. I’d just be like, I’ll be in bed watching Queens Gambit or whatever the [ __ ] it’s called.

45 minutes, 40 seconds

Queef Gambit and and it’s a a panel show. You’re on that [ __ ] for three hours. It’s not like you can do your set and hide in the green room and eat tacos.

45 minutes, 49 seconds

That’s brutal. I’m trying to think of an excuse to get out of your 10 p.m. show tonight. I mean, you know, no pressure. That’ll be fun.

45 minutes, 55 seconds

That’ll be fun. Well, hey, we get that whole back area. That’s pretty good. That’s very good. Who else is on?

46 minutes, 1 second

Corolla asked me and uh might have Adam Ray do a set. Salakuse is gonna be there. Yikes.

46 minutes, 9 seconds

What? No good. You You don’t like the Ray Ray gun? Ray is great. Well, everybody’s doing eight minutes.

46 minutes, 16 seconds

Um, Zakio’s doing six. What do you think you do if if if you did a set? You think you get some laughs?

46 minutes, 22 seconds

Uh, he must have accumulated enough content over the years.

46 minutes, 26 seconds

Yeah, but I think you need a certain type of personality to get up there. I don’t have that personality.

46 minutes, 29 seconds

What are you talking about? You’re talking right now.

46 minutes, 31 seconds

I’m just talking about like in front of people.

46 minutes, 33 seconds

I think you’re right. I think you’re right. And I like that you don’t have that. It’s a good yin and yang for us. Yeah. Interesting.

46 minutes, 39 seconds

You don’t want to be the guy who was dying to get on.

46 minutes, 42 seconds

Yeah, that would ruin the whole relationship.

46 minutes, 43 seconds

You don’t want producers all up in the video.

46 minutes, 45 seconds

All up in the video. You ain’t got no love for the West Coast. Let me know.

46 minutes, 51 seconds

Um, by the way, we’re at breakfast. I quoted Biggie as I do. And this lady goes, I know you’re from the east coast.

46 minutes, 57 seconds

I’m like, Biggie made it past Boston. Doesn’t make sense.

47 minutes, 2 seconds

It’s like hilarious. Like an international superstar.

47 minutes, 4 seconds

I want to hold your hair. Are you British? You must be from London. Yeah. or whatever the [ __ ] Liverpool.

47 minutes, 10 seconds

Yeah. Yeah. Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday. What are you from? Liverpool. Okay. London.

47 minutes, 17 seconds

Damn it. Um, what was the other thing I was going to say about Saluse comedy comedians?

47 minutes, 25 seconds

Attractive.

47 minutes, 26 seconds

Now, how about this guy? While we’re talking about Salakuse, this son of an onion pulls this move. I’m on the flight. I got Wi-Fi.

47 minutes, 35 seconds

Hey, what time you get in? I don’t know. 12:05.

47 minutes, 37 seconds

No, I’m picking you up at 12:35. What a guy.

47 minutes, 43 seconds

I go, my friend. Oh, okay. So, part of you is like, “All right, now how long do I have to put in with this guy after he picks me up?” That is the hard part.

47 minutes, 51 seconds

Am I Is it Is it the rest of the day? Is he staying with me? You never know.

47 minutes, 55 seconds

That’s the hard part. How long do I have?

47 minutes, 57 seconds

And what’s the shot clock?

47 minutes, 58 seconds

Now I got to stick around and wait. I can’t just go and go to my place. Ah, that’s hard, too.

48 minutes, 3 seconds

So, I go, “Well, you don’t have to do that. Try to get out of it.” Ah, you don’t have to do that. It’s very nice. You’re a good man. Great mustache. Thanks anyway.

48 minutes, 11 seconds

No way. I’m picking you up. You need me in your life. This is a good friend. All right.

48 minutes, 17 seconds

Did you You hung out the whole day, I assume.

48 minutes, 20 seconds

Well, well, let me get right to it. Let me just run right through the story. Let me get right to it.

48 minutes, 24 seconds

So, I land. I’m thr I’ve been on the plane for seven hours. I’ve been with my kid every minute for six weeks. It’s my first time away from him. Now, I got to

48 minutes, 32 seconds

wait. Now I got to sit on the sidewalk and wait for my buddy.

48 minutes, 36 seconds

This is like complaining about a [ __ ] This is insane. Wait till I get to the part. Okay. So I go, “All right, I I’ll take it.

48 minutes, 44 seconds

This is nice. This is very nice friend. Good man. He’s going to come pick me up.

48 minutes, 47 seconds

We’ll have some laughs. This will be good. I’m in my own head.” $137, by the way. That’s how much the Uber Black was.

48 minutes, 53 seconds

Uber black from the airport. $137. That’s insane. That’s crazy, right? Well, this one, this is more expensive.

49 minutes, 1 second

So I tell Salus, I go, “Hey, pick me up.” The old trick, pick me up at departures. Nobody’s here. So he scoops

49 minutes, 8 seconds

me up, picks me right up. There’s a cop right behind us. And you know, they they yell at you for that [ __ ] Yeah, keep it moving.

49 minutes, 14 seconds

So I throw the suitcase in the back. I jump in. Sally starts honking. He takes off. He goes, “Fuck you.” It’s great. Right away, it’s a beautiful

49 minutes, 22 seconds

day. We got the windows down, music cranking. We’re singing along. I going, “What was I thinking? This is the best.

49 minutes, 30 seconds

This is awesome. What a guy. Now I go, “Hey, let’s go to let’s go to get In-N-Out Burger. We’ll go get we’ll get lunch.” We took We went to Norm’s Diner.

49 minutes, 38 seconds

Classic Hollywood Diner. Oh yeah. Beautiful lunch. Norm.

49 minutes, 42 seconds

He goes full Elwood Blues. Orders white toast with butter. Nothing else. No coffee, not a soda, just white toast. That was epic.

49 minutes, 50 seconds

Then the whole breakfast all day.

49 minutes, 53 seconds

Yesterday, all day today. Hey, uh, how about you buy me a meal? How about a little gas money? like, “Oh, gas is $7.” He goes, “So, since you brought it up,

50 minutes, 1 second

you know, trick, I picked you up.” I’m like, “What?” Then he goes, “Yeah, yeah, boy. How about that ride? You want to get me breakfast or what?” No breakfast.

50 minutes, 9 seconds

You’re ba.

50 minutes, 10 seconds

I picked you up. He I didn’t ask for a ride. He volunteers the ride. He’s holding it over my head. You were there.

50 minutes, 16 seconds

He made like four references. Hey, I picked you up. I drove out of my way. I sat in traffic. I bought him two meals now cuz the first one was only toast.

50 minutes, 25 seconds

You’re like the guy at the grocery store who helps you put your bags in. And he’s like, “Give me a dollar.” You’re like, “I didn’t ask for you. You helped me.” So, you know, I’m like, “Now I just owe

50 minutes, 34 seconds

him. I got to keep blowing them. Thank you so much. Namaste. I appreciate you.” It’s not a meal. You ordered the toast.

50 minutes, 42 seconds

I bought two meals. I bought you whatever. Stock up, buddy boy. Get the sword, please.

50 minutes, 46 seconds

Pancakes and whatever the [ __ ] Anyways, I appreciate the ride, but I didn’t know I was going to have to, you know, what’s that word? Oh, thank you.

50 minutes, 55 seconds

Guarble gravel. Gravel. I didn’t know I had to gravel.

50 minutes, 58 seconds

You’re like the mafia. Once you’re in, you’re in. You owe your life.

51 minutes, 1 second

It’s brutal. I’ll drive you somewhere next time.

51 minutes, 4 seconds

Plus, I’m letting you shoot this for free. That’s very nice. This is good on your resume.

51 minutes, 10 seconds

But I will say that gas money, the gas price out here higher than Hunter Biden.

51 minutes, 14 seconds

So, 100 bucks to fill up your car. Wow. Yeah.

51 minutes, 18 seconds

Well, we started a nice war, but I don’t want to alienate.

51 minutes, 22 seconds

Don’t alienate. Let me not alienate by mentioning these very high gas prices for no real reason. Illegal alienate.

51 minutes, 29 seconds

Uh but uh anyways, sorry for everyone that’s been alienated. What’s that?

51 minutes, 32 seconds

The people on the right are paying $100 for their tanks, too. It’s insane. The Republicans buy gas, too. Of course. Yes. Gas chamber.

51 minutes, 40 seconds

Just saying. But hey, it’s a nice gesture to go out there cuz it is an hour away. Thank you.

51 minutes, 45 seconds

But I get I used to have an open volunteered. That’s true. Volunteered. That’s true. You volunteered to get you.

51 minutes, 51 seconds

You don’t have to do that. You don’t have to do that. Thank you. Yeah.

51 minutes, 55 seconds

And then Yeah. He was here till 6:00 p.m. some [ __ ] You can’t break away. I used to have an opener. I don’t want to say his name,

52 minutes, 3 seconds

but he go, “Hey, I’m bored out of my mind. I see. What time’s your flight get in?” And I usually lie about the flight cuz you know I want my alone time. And

52 minutes, 10 seconds

they go I go, “Flight I land at 11:30.” They’ll go, “I’ll be there. I’ll pick you And I go, “Okay, but I’d like to just go to the hotel and then get in the

52 minutes, 19 seconds

room and take a nap or take a shower.” So, I feel bad you’re just like my my driver. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah.

52 minutes, 26 seconds

So, he goes, “No, no big deal.” And then it was a Tesla. So, they he picks you up and he goes, “Oh, I got to charge.”

52 minutes, 35 seconds

And I go, “How long is that going to take?” I know who this is.

52 minutes, 37 seconds

And he goes, “Uh, it’s a 20-minute charge. No problem.” So, you’re like, “All right, I’ll add 20 minutes to the ride.” But then the charging station is

52 minutes, 45 seconds

30 minutes away. So now we’re in an hour. We’re at 50 minutes. Then you get to the charging station. There’s a line.

52 minutes, 52 seconds

So the line’s 12 minutes. So then you go. So I stopped working with him.

52 minutes, 58 seconds

This is the other thing I love about Sal is we’re driving. I’m like, “Hey, you just take a ride up here.” He’s like, “Whoa, what what do you got? Google Maps over there.” I’m like, “It’s Los

53 minutes, 5 seconds

Angeles. I’ve been here. I spent six months of my life here.

53 minutes, 7 seconds

We’ve been coming here since the ‘8s.” He’s like, “Holy [ __ ] that was crazy.” Now to get to your hotel. Yeah.

53 minutes, 13 seconds

Uh, anyways, you’re a good man. I appreciate the ride. I hope you enjoyed your two breakfasts and whatever you bought today. Pancakes, coffee, [ __ ]

53 minutes, 22 seconds

uh sausages, eggs that smell like [ __ ] I guess.

53 minutes, 26 seconds

Apparently sausages, orange juice, whatever else you had. I’ll buy you. What’s that have breakfast tomorrow? You’re a good friend. Breakfast tomorrow.

53 minutes, 33 seconds

No, I got breakfast with Tommy and Hamilton, but you guys could come. Ah, seems like a lot of work. Yeah, those are good guys. Those are good guys. Hamilton’s the man.

53 minutes, 42 seconds

This is my This is my only night to sleep now cuz Thursday I got to get up at 4 to get to Boston to open Shane. Why so early? It’s like 6:20 flight.

53 minutes, 50 seconds

What? I got to get there. You lose 3 hours. I got to get there.

53 minutes, 54 seconds

But he’s not uh I guess you’re not going with him.

53 minutes, 57 seconds

No, he’s flying tomorrow. He has a show tomorrow. He’s doing three shows in the Boston Garden over three nights. Yeah. Wow.

54 minutes, 5 seconds

And I’m missing one to do the improv.

54 minutes, 7 seconds

So, who’s going to do you the first night? I think Bobby and then Sam Jay and I are on the same flight. So maybe he has other people. Maybe he has Philly people. I don’t know. Maybe it’s just him and Bobby. I don’t know.

54 minutes, 16 seconds

Wow. The garden in Beantown. How about that? That’s exciting. You ever done it?

54 minutes, 21 seconds

No. Bert asked me to do it years ago. It was when we were shooting the dock. Matt Salakus and I, my dear friend, and then

54 minutes, 28 seconds

Comics Come Home never asked me till the last minute last year. Yeah, that’s a little uh offputting. Uh well, maybe I’ll do it this year.

54 minutes, 36 seconds

We’ll see. Hey, take note. Comics come home. CCH.

54 minutes, 41 seconds

So, never done it. I’ve seen a million and a half shows there and 300,000 games there. So, it’s exciting. Celtics.

54 minutes, 48 seconds

Celtics, Bruins, Pearl Jam, Brandy Carile, Aerosmith.

54 minutes, 54 seconds

I’ve seen it all over there at that garden.

54 minutes, 56 seconds

Oh, yeah. What do you think that seats 20K?

55 minutes

I think for for a concert for um what do you call it in the round? Probably close to 20. Wow.

55 minutes, 7 seconds

60,000 tickets. Unbelievable. 60,000 tickets. Three shows. Oh, wow. That’s crazy.

55 minutes, 15 seconds

Unbelievable.

55 minutes, 16 seconds

Wow. We Yeah. They say shows here are not uh raking it in.

55 minutes, 21 seconds

Everybody’s undersold here. Well, you got in LA where the festival’s in LA and everyone’s competing against each other. I know. And the venues are huge.

55 minutes, 29 seconds

Literally competing against myself. I have my headlining show at the improv.

55 minutes, 33 seconds

At the same night, I’m with Sam Maril, Jordan Jensen, Rachel Feinstein in a theater. Wow.

55 minutes, 39 seconds

Who wants to see me at the improv when you can go see all four of us? Ah, yeah. Yeah.

55 minutes, 43 seconds

And that’s also the same night as, you know, Bill Burr and Louis CK whoever else. Yeah. So, a little tricky, but Yikes.

55 minutes, 52 seconds

Fun. I mean, I ended up selling mine out, but Oh, great. Yeah. Then what about the theater?

55 minutes, 57 seconds

The theater, I think, was like half Oh, no. Really? with that lineup.

56 minutes, 2 seconds

Everyone’s up against everybody. I think the tickets are pricey, too. Maybe we shouldn’t be saying too much of this.

56 minutes, 7 seconds

Yeah. I got to say, I was I felt kind of like a dork cuz I’m like, I’m doing the store headlining a club. But now now I’m so glad I’m headlining a club. Imagine

56 minutes, 14 seconds

just sweating over tickets at some [ __ ] uh what’s that place called? The Pantageous.

56 minutes, 19 seconds

Well, Hamilton, this is where I’m so stupid. I don’t I’m a bad business guy.

56 minutes, 23 seconds

Hamilton last night was like, “No, I told him I’ll just do a show cuz he’s, you know, he loves Netflix. He’s on Netflix.” So, he’s like, “I’d love to be

56 minutes, 30 seconds

part of the festival, but it’ll mess up my tour.” Cuz if if it wasn’t the festival and I was the only one in town, I’d sell a thousand tickets. Sure.

56 minutes, 38 seconds

But because you, me, Kramer, the Butler, Lewis, Jay, Bert, Tony, Yeah.

56 minutes, 44 seconds

Tim, everybody is here, you know, you’re doing I’m doing the improv.

56 minutes, 48 seconds

Yeah. It feels like the move is next year I’m going to do this or whatever.

56 minutes, 52 seconds

Two years. I’m gonna set up a show at the improv or or the store and then try to open for Shane, open for Seinfeld, open for Melany, open for Sebastian.

57 minutes, 1 second

Just hang out, right?

57 minutes, 2 seconds

Let them sell the tickets. You get to do the cool venue and then you do your dumb little club show. Yeah. Seinfeld’s here too, right?

57 minutes, 9 seconds

Yeah. I’m going to hit them up tonight for the Knicks game. Knicks game. Knicks game tonight. Playoffs. Are you going to watch it together?

57 minutes, 16 seconds

I’m going to ask.

57 minutes, 18 seconds

Oh, I see. I see. Um, yeah. He’s uh I feel weird cuz we’re all going to a bar on Sunset to watch the game, but I’m like, can he go to a bar?

57 minutes, 28 seconds

Can he sit at a bar and watch a game? I don’t know if he can.

57 minutes, 30 seconds

I think so. That’s his whole thing. The Michael Richards comedian cars. He’s Michael Rich is like, “We can’t go in here. We’re celebrities.” And he’s like, “Oh, Michael, free yourself.”

57 minutes, 38 seconds

Oh, yeah. He’s like, “I’m here. You deal with it.” Which I love. One of my favorite things he’s ever said. Well, I don’t get it.

57 minutes, 43 seconds

Well, he’s Michael Rich is like, “We can’t just walk around a mall and go to a restaurant where we’re huge.” And Jerry’s like, “Oh, stop it.” He’s like,

57 minutes, 51 seconds

“Just free yourself.” And he says, “You you guys deal with it. I’m here. You deal with it.” Very zen. Free yourself.

57 minutes, 57 seconds

I mean, the hard thing is though, you are getting stopped all the time. So, I don’t quite understand it. But I think he’s also one of these guys that’s fine with being like this. No.

58 minutes, 6 seconds

Yeah, he can do that.

58 minutes, 7 seconds

So, I don’t know. Yeah, he’s very free. He’s a free man.

58 minutes, 12 seconds

You ever see that video of him? He likes to ride his like uh Lance Armstrong bike with the whole speed suit on, like the tight [ __ ] the crazy helmet that’s pointy.

58 minutes, 21 seconds

And he rides down Manhattan and he pulls off and he’s he’s locking the bike up going into an a diner and some guy some guy says something kind of zingy to him

58 minutes, 29 seconds

like, “Hey Jerry, uh nice bike queef.” And he goes, “Ah, that that was it, huh?

58 minutes, 39 seconds

That was all you had. You see me? This is your big chance.” And that was it. and the guy completely crumbles.

58 minutes, 46 seconds

It’s such a way better than if he was like, “Fuck you, homo.” Like, to zing you back is one thing, but to go, “Oo, that was it. You had your one

58 minutes, 55 seconds

chance with me, big star, and you blew it.” And the guy was like, “And you blew it, buddy.” Yeah.

59 minutes, 3 seconds

Boy, do I have to piss.

59 minutes, 4 seconds

All right, I think we’re almost at an hour here. I think five zero minutes. That can’t be right. Oh, well, we we got more time. That flew by. Yeah. Is that right?

59 minutes, 13 seconds

I think we started at I think it’s 50 minutes. 5. Yeah. Yeah. Boy, it’s a lot easier without Chuck. Just kidding. Choo choo.

59 minutes, 21 seconds

Boy, am I a fat [ __ ] That was some breakfast. Two more pods. Yeah.

59 minutes, 27 seconds

A long day. Just got to eye on the prize. Get through it like a slave.

59 minutes, 31 seconds

So, what’s the prize? You said that earlier. Finishing. Oh, finishing the prize. No, I got my prize in 10 minutes.

59 minutes, 39 seconds

I know. I’m jealous. I got to do an audition though. That’s worse. I’d rather do 12 podcasts than an audition. Self tape. It’s all self tape now.

59 minutes, 46 seconds

At least you don’t have to go in. That was You walk in the lobby, everybody looks like you. I’d prefer that though. I don’t like that. You got to park.

59 minutes, 53 seconds

The self tape. You just have no direction, no confidence. You do it. You just send it. You feel like they’re not even watching it. At least with an

1 hour

inerson audition, you’re auditioning. There they are. That’s true. That’s true.

1 hour, 4 seconds

A tape, you’re like, “Is anyone looking at this?” Probably not.

1 hour, 7 seconds

Plus, you’re like, “Fuck [ __ ] God, the the option of perfection [ __ ] with you.

1 hour, 14 seconds

Ah, you know, when you audition in person, you’re like, “Okay, here is the audition.” Yes.

1 hour, 19 seconds

And then they go, “Take it again. Try it like this.” You get a little direction.

1 hour, 22 seconds

You try it again. They go, “Okay, see you later.” Yeah.

1 hour, 25 seconds

At home, you’re like, “Let me do that again. I can try that again. I can do better.” Right.

1 hour, 28 seconds

It’s it’s the freedom is actually hurts you in that situation.

1 hour, 32 seconds

Yeah, that’s a good point. And they say, uh, when you go walk into an audition, a lot of times they know right when you walk in. Oh, that’s the guy. Look at

1 hour, 40 seconds

that face. Look at that body. Look at that voice.

1 hour, 42 seconds

Well, I got to be on the other side of it when we made Fourth of July because people were submitting and it’s like the Nick Depollo character. It’s like this bully uncle.

1 hour, 51 seconds

And then with the sentape, the guy’s like an old man. He’s like, and I’m like, I would just kick this guy in the chest. So, we don’t even watch the tape. You turn it on, you’re like, no.

1 hour, 1 minute

Right. It’s all look. Yeah.

1 hour, 1 minute, 2 seconds

Yeah. Yeah. They say it’s 90% look at the end of the day. And height and weight and everything. That’s look. Yeah.

1 hour, 1 minute, 7 seconds

But uh Patrice always said dress like the character. If you’re going to do a cop ro, get a cop outfit from the [ __ ] Halloween store.

1 hour, 1 minute, 15 seconds

He said that. Always dress like the character. Wow.

1 hour, 1 minute, 18 seconds

So if you’re going for a janitor role, wear a jumpsuit khaki with all keys on the side. No kidding.

1 hour, 1 minute, 24 seconds

It just gives you a little more bump of like, oh, he is that guy.

1 hour, 1 minute, 27 seconds

Interesting. Yeah. They allow you to see you that way. makes you look like a [ __ ] though if you’re walking around like a dentist in the city.

1 hour, 1 minute, 33 seconds

Yeah, a cowboy some [ __ ] You’re [ __ ] a ghostbuster. Now, Matt, will you nap?

1 hour, 1 minute, 39 seconds

Because you’re an old man. I know you you hit the wall sometimes. I love a nap.

1 hour, 1 minute, 43 seconds

What do you What do you got the rest of the day? I’ve got a pod after this with him.

1 hour, 1 minute, 47 seconds

Oh, hey. All right. Glad you’re going to be there. Oh, right. Right.

1 hour, 1 minute, 50 seconds

Where is it? I have no idea where we’re going.

1 hour, 1 minute, 52 seconds

There. I’ll find out. I have a Bill Simmons podcast of tires. Wa. Wow. And you’re shooting stills.

1 hour, 2 minutes

Stills. Yeah.

1 hour, 2 minutes, 1 second

Netflix. Aren’t you glad you’re not hung over and I’m not two hours of sleep. Yeah. That’s why I don’t drink. Wow.

1 hour, 2 minutes, 7 seconds

I can’t think of the future. I’m I’m too in the moment. People say live in the moment, but then I’m then you do heroin and coke.

1 hour, 2 minutes, 14 seconds

You know what I mean? It’s It’s not great advice. Live in the moment.

1 hour, 2 minutes, 17 seconds

I’m like, “Okay, well then I’ll drink and drive.” But you can make decisions in the moment. If you’re in the moment,

1 hour, 2 minutes, 24 seconds

you can be like in this moment I’m realizing that this will be a problem tomorrow.

1 hour, 2 minutes, 29 seconds

But isn’t that the future? It’ll be a problem tomorrow.

1 hour, 2 minutes, 32 seconds

But you’re presently the I think living outside of the moment is if you’re like, okay, I got this thing tomorrow. I got

1 hour, 2 minutes, 40 seconds

that thing tomorrow. I got this thing tomorrow. But I think if you just have a a passing thought of, hey, if I drink too much, and then also if you’re drunk, you’re certainly not in the moment.

1 hour, 2 minutes, 49 seconds

You’re all wacky jacky. I mean, we were at breakfast and he was like, “Remember that story about the crazy hairbrush?” And you were like, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Oh, yeah. I don’t know how that went.

1 hour, 2 minutes, 57 seconds

And it was one of the craziest stories I’ve ever heard in my life. Really? Wow. The delivery was horrible.

1 hour, 3 minutes, 4 seconds

I I couldn’t believe how bad the delivery was. It’s tough to live.

1 hour, 3 minutes, 6 seconds

By the way, that ride from the airport was one of the highlights. I just wish I didn’t have to deal with, oh, buy me breakfast, buy me this, I picked Jeff. Oh, man.

1 hour, 3 minutes, 14 seconds

I’ve done some favors you don’t even know they happen. You never hear them again. Do this. What’s that? Like you let me do this.

1 hour, 3 minutes, 21 seconds

You got that straight. Not to mention the other two projects. Hold it over my head. It’s a bit.

1 hour, 3 minutes, 29 seconds

Yours is no bit. I was just goofing. I don’t care.

1 hour, 3 minutes, 32 seconds

Does your ear get itchy sometimes when you talk too much? Yeah, I just had that. All right. This show’s bottom. All right. Sorry.

1 hour, 3 minutes, 39 seconds

Who are you to judge? This is a great show. What the hell are you doing? The day hasn’t even started.

1 hour, 3 minutes, 44 seconds

You know, we’re editing the skankfest doc in the We Might Be Drunk Studios. That’s fun. It’s all connected, Jerry. It’s It’s a community. That Matt Peters is a class act.

1 hour, 3 minutes, 53 seconds

He’s something else. I mean, I I owe my life to that guy. I think he was at the Live Pod. Yeah, he was. You’re plus one.

1 hour, 3 minutes, 59 seconds

I didn’t even see him. Oh, he’s plus one. Um but I didn’t even see him there. Yeah. Did you see him? Not him. I didn’t see anybody. Oh, you weren’t even there.

1 hour, 4 minutes, 7 seconds

No. Okay.

1 hour, 4 minutes, 8 seconds

I forget you weren’t there cuz it just feel You’re like a tick. It just feels like you’re there, you know?

1 hour, 4 minutes, 11 seconds

You’re sucking the blood right out of us. You don’t hear about ticks anymore. I hear about ticks. Tick. Not on hot.

1 hour, 4 minutes, 18 seconds

Well, I go to Maine every summer. That’s all you hear about is tick. I got to do the tick check. I got my My mother’s lifting my balls up. Tick tock. Tick tock. Yeah.

1 hour, 4 minutes, 26 seconds

Well, yeah. Um, give a dog a bone.

1 hour, 4 minutes, 28 seconds

Was that the one where you got Lyme disease? Who got Lyme disease? The tick. They give you Lyme disease.

1 hour, 4 minutes, 32 seconds

Oh, yeah. Yeah. I don’t have Lyme disease.

1 hour, 4 minutes, 34 seconds

No. No. I’m a lemon man. But my wife got a tick bite right on the ankle. That’s a perfect sphere. It’s It’s like Vegas concert rings.

1 hour, 4 minutes, 43 seconds

Perfect sphere. And she said she felt dumb for for about 30 years. But no, she was like, “Oh, I feel weird.” And she went to the hospital and they’re like,

1 hour, 4 minutes, 51 seconds

“Oh, you got Lyme disease.” Wow. Did it go away or? Yeah. She kicked it.

1 hour, 4 minutes, 55 seconds

Well, okay. Cuz I remember Andy Hendrickson had it. It’s a [ __ ] from here.

1 hour, 4 minutes, 58 seconds

Oh, it’s all mental. It’s like It’s like syphilis. It goes to the brain. Your rods and cones get all screwed up. Yeah. Alapone.

1 hour, 5 minutes, 4 seconds

You know, Lyme disease is named after Limey Lime Connecticut. Where? No kidding.

1 hour, 5 minutes, 12 seconds

Pull it up. And there is just coincidentally a chemical laboratory that tests dangerous poisonous chemicals for warfare right there in lime.

1 hour, 5 minutes, 22 seconds

Wow. Why is it lime’s plural? I don’t think it is plural. I don’t know.

1 hour, 5 minutes, 28 seconds

It’s lime disease disease. Oh, I thought it was lime’s disease. No, it’s lime as in lime Connecticut.

1 hour, 5 minutes, 34 seconds

No, I never heard of it. Lime Connecticut.

1 hour, 5 minutes, 36 seconds

The theory is that they it escaped the lab and got into like Wuhan. Yeah, that’s a horror movie. Got into ticks.

1 hour, 5 minutes, 44 seconds

Wow. Remember the tick cartoon? Oh, yeah. The big blue guy. Yeah, the tick. That was a weird time. Putty. Putty is a tick. It’s Putty.

1 hour, 5 minutes, 52 seconds

That guy must have so much money. Family Guy.

1 hour, 5 minutes, 55 seconds

Family Guy. American Seinfeld. American Dad. And then the Ted. Ted. Ted two. The tick.

1 hour, 6 minutes, 4 seconds

And he was on a sitcom called like the fabulous lives of homos. Or it was something with David Spade where he was like there was men like divorced men men behaving badly.

1 hour, 6 minutes, 14 seconds

Something like that. Yeah. Patrick Warbertton. Yeah.

1 hour, 6 minutes, 19 seconds

I think he does like standup now or appearances of some kind.

1 hour, 6 minutes, 22 seconds

There’s a guy uh on TV. He was doing the Kentucky Derby. His name was He’s like the president of the Kentucky Derby. His name is Bob Toothacre.

1 hour, 6 minutes, 31 seconds

Isn’t that fun when you have old names like that where you’re like, “Oh, that was just clearly a job. You were probably a dentist in the 1400s and they just call you toothacre.

1 hour, 6 minutes, 39 seconds

I think that’s Armstrong. Those are people with strong arms and Taylor. Bob Taylor. He was a tailor. Wow. He was the Taylor. Yeah.

1 hour, 6 minutes, 47 seconds

And Smith is blacksmith. There you go. Wow. Look at that. O’Brien of the Brian. It’s a spin-off like Frasier.

1 hour, 6 minutes, 56 seconds

Uhhuh. BB Neworth. Frasier. That was like a a therapist. Was he a therapist? What was he? He’s a radio guy.

1 hour, 7 minutes, 4 seconds

Was he a radio therapist? You had 30% cheers, right? What a weird spin-off. The weirdest spin-off of all time. Put this in your pipe and jizz on it.

1 hour, 7 minutes, 13 seconds

The mom on Family Matters was the elevator operator on Perfect Strangers. Wow.

1 hour, 7 minutes, 18 seconds

And she got a spin-off and then just Urkl took off. So, they just went that direction.

1 hour, 7 minutes, 22 seconds

I think I remember reading that elevator operator. Who in the back room of Hollywood went, “This lady, she’s an elevator operator, but I see more.”

1 hour, 7 minutes, 31 seconds

They were like, “We need some blacks out there.” It was the only one they knew. I guess well they had good times at Jefferson’s and I guess so

1 hour, 7 minutes, 39 seconds

the other guy um your producer has to put money in the meter. Oh that’s why you wanted to end at 50.

1 hour, 7 minutes, 46 seconds

Meter made. All right lovely Rita meter made. So where you going to be guys?

1 hour, 7 minutes, 51 seconds

Where am I going to be? Do we get an hour? Yeah, I think so. I don’t like this think so.

1 hour, 7 minutes, 57 seconds

I’m going to be I’m going to be I’m going to be Spokane. Everybody come see me in Spokane. He’s doing a residency in Spokane.

1 hour, 8 minutes, 5 seconds

I don’t know. Oh, wait. I got my book. I never had my book. Look at this. All right. Uh, where am I going to be? What do you say when you see things?

1 hour, 8 minutes, 14 seconds

Calgary just added Calgary. Uh, Governor’s June 12th and 13th. Of course, Portland Empire Comedy Club July

1 hour, 8 minutes, 21 seconds

2nd and 3rd. Tacoma Comedy Club July 23rd through the 25th. And um, August,

1 hour, 8 minutes, 29 seconds

Portland Helium, August 13th through the 15th. St. Louis, Funny Bone, 20th through the 22nd. And uh Royal Oak,

1 hour, 8 minutes, 36 seconds

September. Mothership September 4th and 5th. Rochester, New York. Toronto. I’m coming to Toronto. September 24th. Always asked about that. September 24th.

1 hour, 8 minutes, 45 seconds

Check it out. Comedy bar. I have no idea. All right. Where you going to be, Marcus?

1 hour, 8 minutes, 50 seconds

Spokane, Philadelphia, Milwaukee, Irvine, California. Tempe Improv. I love that room. Uh Mark Ridley’s in Detroit area. Cleveland, Ohio at Hilarities.

1 hour, 9 minutes, 1 second

Emerald City Comedy Club in Seattle, Tampa, Florida, and Cobbs in San Francisco and Houston Improv. Get some

1 hour, 9 minutes, 10 seconds

Bodega Cat. Get on the Patreon. We got Bill Burr. We got uh Fitz Dog and it was a live soldout show.

1 hour, 9 minutes, 19 seconds

It’s going to be a banger.

1 hour, 9 minutes, 20 seconds

Plus, we did all the behind the scenes stuff was crazy. We did We did We’ve done so much. It’s crazy. Yeah. Yeah. Could you do it as Hogan?

1 hour, 9 minutes, 27 seconds

You know how we do cut those promos real quick? Oh, yeah. You know my idea WWFA where I do all the AA stuff. I’m like you got to take it one day at a time brother.

1 hour, 9 minutes, 36 seconds

Oh yeah.

1 hour, 9 minutes, 37 seconds

You know anyways. Yeah. So we’re coming down there. I don’t know. I got to [ __ ] He’s got to leave. I’m distracted cuz Sakus says to leave. I got to go to bed. Uh we love you. We’ll see you in hell.

1 hour, 9 minutes, 46 seconds

One more thing. All you the sound of my voice go to YouTube and watch Mark Norman’s doc called Pushing Holder.

1 hour, 9 minutes, 51 seconds

We’re going to hit 400K tomorrow. I think 400K soon. So let’s get to five. Amazing. Pray. Sweep it up. See you in hell.

1 hour, 10 minutes, 1 second

Up in the heavens where legends cry, hopelessly watching the music.

1 hour, 10 minutes, 10 seconds

Please believe.

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