Dusty Slay and Harland Williams – Harland Highway Podcast 175

DUSTY SLAY Talks farming folk, blowing, and what kind of hay is better, square or round Transcript

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[Applause] [Music]
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Hey everybody, welcome to today’s podcast. Before we get going, an incredible announcement. I know I’ve
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been talking about it a lot. my comedy movie Wingman that I wrote and directed
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starred in with Russell Peters, Jamie Kennedy, Kayla Wallace, Shiva Nagar, all
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kinds of incredible uh actors. Evan Marsh, our our lead actor. You’re going to love this guy. Um folks, uh we’re
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going to have a sneak screening of Wingman. It’ll be the first screening in all of the United States on uh September
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25th. That’s a Thursday, September 25th in Big Bear, California at the Big Bear
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Film Festival. So, please uh holy smokes. I’ll put up the little banner here. You can go to
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their website and uh you can hopefully reserve tickets. I’m not sure how they do it, but if you live in the LA area or
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anywhere within an hour or two of Big Bear, uh come on out and celebrate with us. I’m going to be there. Some of the
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other cast members might might or might not be there. I’m not sure yet. I will keep you updated. I’m definitely going
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to be there. We’re going to screen Wingman for the first time in the USA.
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So excited. Hope you can make it out and enjoy uh partake in the laughter and the
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hilarity and the madness and uh hopefully you love the movie. Uh but super excited. So, Big Bear Film
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Festival, September 25th in Big Bear, California. If you live in LA and you haven’t been to Big Bear, it’s just over
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about a 2-hour drive to get out there. Uh they got all kinds of cabins and there up in the mountains and it’s a
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lake and it’s a really beautiful country and get you out of the city and and what
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a great reason to do it to come and see Wingman. So, you could hear the theme song
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playing and uh we hope you can make it out. Uh
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all that being said, thanks for watching the podcast. stuff. Please subscribe if you haven’t. We’re coming up on 200,000
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subscribers. Can you believe this? I mean, guys, we want you to be part of that. Uh please subscribe. And uh
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wow, it it’s going great. So, thank you so much. And without further ado, let’s
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get today’s to let’s get to today
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let’s get to today’s great episode. Wow, it’s already off to a shaky start with
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Funny Man Dusty Sleigh. Boy, did we have a good time. Hope you enjoy it. Thanks for being here. Subscribe and hopefully
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we’ll see you in Big Bear at the Big Bear uh film festival September 25th.
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Uh check it out. Are you serial? Why didn’t Jesus have glasses
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now that you mention it? Well, I guess he, you know, I mean, it would would really take away from his healing power
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if he needed corrective lenses. Yeah, you’re right. He’s like he could just fix his own
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Yeah. Who’s going to believe a miracle worker with like foster grants?
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Mr. Harland Highway,
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won’t you come my way? I’ve been traveling so long
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I could use a song. [Music]
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Uh, do you do sound check or no? Uh, you know, it sounds good to me. I
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hear you. I hear myself. But do you like do you one of these guys that gets off
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on going check check check one two three or like at a show like just any sound check like do you
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like saying numbers and stuff? I don’t know. I’m not so into it. I mean you know like if I go a show they’ll go
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do you want to do sound? I’ll go yeah I’ll do it. If because I feel like if I have the option and then I don’t do it
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Yeah. then I’ll get out there and it’ll sound bad. So when you do one what does it sound
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like? I might go check check one two, you know, but I don’t just one two. Just one, two. I
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You won’t hit the three. I don’t I don’t go three. I don’t go Why? I feel I don’t because I feel like it’s
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check check one two. It’s a pattern. Now, are you sensitive to ethnicities?
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Uh I I guess so. So, let’s say you’re doing a sound check and you know there’s
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a couple of people scattered in the theater and you go check check one two
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and after the fact you find out that two of the people sitting in the theater were Czechoslovakian.
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How does that make you feel? Well, I always and maybe I’m wrong and I guess they’re pronounced different, but I
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always felt like numbers were like we universally understood the numbers. And
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maybe I’m wrong about that, but Whoa, that’s an interesting theory. What do you mean? I just feel like if I say one, two,
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Yeah. I feel like people get it in every language. Yeah. But but you know, I guess there’s unos,
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right? So that’s Spanish, right? But when you write it, it still looks the same, right? Yeah.
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Yeah. That’s sort of like when a dog when you get a dog and you tell a dog to sit or
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stay or heal, but it’s in another language. Like if you someone if you
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hear someone give their dog commands in French, you’re immediately going, “The dog doesn’t understand you,
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right?” Yeah. But yet the dog does because it’s universal. I guess dogs know so many languages.
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I didn’t think of that. Yeah. I feel bad. I know I know three languages barely. And a dog could pick
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up any language. Yeah. You know, yeah, dogs are good. I mean, they live all around the world and
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they’re getting around here without us. I just realized like if you’re a d’ach hound in Swahili
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and your Swahili owner goes and the dog just sits,
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I wouldn’t know to sit. Yeah. I wouldn’t know. Yeah. We wouldn’t know what was going. But we could learn
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from the dog. If the dog sits, we go, “Well, what he just said was sit.” So the gangala is sit in and swuahili.
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And how did I know that even? Maybe that’s one of the three languages you know as far as I know. I don’t know.
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Yeah, cuz you don’t know. I don’t know. I said three. Left it ambiguous. I assume English is one because we’re
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communicating that. You got one. What are the other two do you think? Well, you did a pretty good Swahili. I
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thought I do. I’m fluent in Swahili. You did uh re you did bring up Czechoslovakian
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people, but Well, you did cuz you said check. Oh, so I
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you said check one, two. Oh, that was me that brought that. Yeah. Yeah. So you brought up the check.
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Two Czechoslovakian people in the audience, right? And they’re like, I don’t know, buddy.
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Yeah. Why? They’re in the audience going, “Why is that guy with the long hair saying numbers to us?”
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Yeah. Like they’re just sitting there. They’re part of the crew. You stroll out, sleep in your eyes,
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motel, six rappers in your hair or whatever. Yeah. And all of a sudden you’re like, “Check, check one, two, and they’re like
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Yeah. They think it’s some kind of uh code.” Yeah. Because they’re like, “We are the only two Czechoslovakian people on.”
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Yeah. I mean, I guess you know what? I guess I’m not sensitive to it. You asked me, “Was I seems like you’re not?”
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And what if there This is even getting more into your insensitivity. Uh, what if there was a third check
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sitting there, but you said you don’t do three checks. You just go one, check, check, one, two. You don’t go check
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check one, two, three. You know, I guess I’d be looking for them to respond in some kind of way to say, yes, we are here.
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Okay. And then if there were more, then I could go, well, is there a a third check?
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Well, now you got me thinking about the sound check because when I sat down with
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you, and this is maybe the mind games that you play with people that I had heard about, I was thinking soundcheck
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was an audio thing where you’re checking the audio system instead of arena
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auditorium. But now I realize with you, you’re checking to see if ethnic people are in
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the crowd and it’s got nothing to do with sound. Well, I want to know, can the Czechoslovakians make a sound?
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It’s a sound. Oh, wow. You know, check. I’m checking their audio levels. I’m not checking the mic’s
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audio. I’m checking their audio. Wow. Are you here? Are you paying attention? Can you join in?
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What if a Czechoslovakian wrote a check while playing hockey and
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got checked? Would that be check one, two, three? Cuz that’s three checks. I
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almost think you gotta Yeah, you got to go check check one, two, three. Check check check check check. Boy, I’m glad we had this talk.
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Well, me too. And it, you know, it will make me, you know, pay attention, you know, to my actions.
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Am I being sensitive to it and because I clearly have not been prior to
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Yeah. Well, let me do uh my thing and then we’ll start. Okay. All right. Perfect.
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Uh Pakistani 12. Pakistani one two Pakistani one two are you hearing that
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I hear it yeah okay pack one two three uh check check pack you I guess you can do
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any nationality yeah if you can narrow it down to one syllable Italian I Thai I Thai one two itai one
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two itai two that could be confusing with maybe someone from Thailand oh god you’re tough
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you’re a t You’re probably the toughest soundcheck guy I’ve ever run into. I think
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you got to get it right though. You know, that’s what’s, you know, it’s like it’s not just about my audio or or how
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you hear, it’s how people feel. And thank you for pushing me cuz a lot of my guests will sit down and they’ll
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really sit there like a bacteria or a fungus or even a lyken on a on a sweaty
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old log from a a deep growth forest. Yeah. But you sat down, challenged me
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immediately. You got the the wheels spinning and I’m I’m I’m ready to podcast.
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Well, that’s what you know, that’s what I do. I get sent around to podcast to podcast just to make sure people are,
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you know, staying on it. Dynamite. Yeah. Do you say dynamite or TNT?
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Uh, I I don’t know. I like dynamite. I I feel like, you know, it was JJ Walker
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that made Dynamite seem like he’s like, you got, but then again, AC/DC made TNT
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sound, you know, but they did both, I guess. I’m TNT, I’m dynamite. So, was there anyone who did what’s the
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other scientific name? Kylogriahhide or what’s what’s it called? Uh, chloritamide. What’s what’s dynamite?
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The technical, you know, the it’s fluorid uh techine. There is something I
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have a joke about where they say uh here we go. I can’t remember even what I say now, but they a guy a guy at the TSA said uh
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these things can tell the difference between a candle and a stick of
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uh what now? I can’t even remember my own joke. Yeah. Gosh. Interesting. Would you say
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that this maybe marks this podcast marks the end of your career in comedy? I I don’t know. You asked me did I want
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to wear the headphones and I said yes to it. But now I feel like the headphones are like maybe
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uh sucking my jokes out and into your your system into me.
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Yeah. Into because we are wired through the same system. Yeah. And if Elon Musk can do Neuralink,
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there’s no reason Harlon Williams can’t do suck a joke link. Maybe that is what the Harlem Highway
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is. It is. It’s a nitroglycerin. Oh yeah.
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Are you Let me finish the question now cuz I feel like I didn’t really Do you like TNT, dynamite, or nitroglycerin?
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Oh, nitroglycerin. Hard harder to remember, but when you say it, it does have power to it. Yeah.
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Nitroglycerin. And I don’t think Jimmy JJ Walker could even annunciate that word. He was a
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goofy guy. Yeah. Yeah. And it doesn’t have the, you know, the same rhythm to it. Nitroglycerin.
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Yeah. Could you imagine busting into the room with natural glycerin?
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Like, no, you’re right. Like maybe TNT. Like TNT. I could do but
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him busting in with natural glycerin. No, that ain’t happening.
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God. Well, let’s let’s Here we are, folks. Welcome to the Holla Highway
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podcast. Uh, very special guest today, Dusty Slay, which rhymes with today.
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And uh when you got a guest whose name rhymes with your very first intro
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sentence, you know it’s got to be uh hot axle grease dripping in a jiffy lube
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after the doors are locked and the secretary is playing with her vibrating egg, if that’s even a thing.
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I bet it is. It’s got to be a vibrating egg somewhere. I think Jim Jeff has one. Yeah. Yeah,
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I would think. Uh Dusty, welcome to the uh the Harland Highway podcast, my guy. Yeah, thank
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you. I’m glad to be here. What a treat. Yeah. Uh, you know, right away, folks, you’re
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going to pick off a little wee tad. And I know I’m doing a Scottish accent. I don’t mean to be doing it, but I went
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into it. But Dusty’s got a we little bit of an accent, and it’s not Scottish. See
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if you can guess what it is. Well, I bet it’s easy to guess. Yeah,
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but my accent sometimes is all over the place. I have What? Talk to me. Well, growing up, my
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sisters are older than me. My and my sister started dating a guy from Michigan when I was very young. I’ve had
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a little bit of that northern influence and then I moved I moved to Charleston, South Carolina, which is a bit of a, you
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know, classy southern city, but a lot of northern transplants. Wow. And then I married, my wife is Canadian.
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Oh. So, we’ve And Wow. I think she sounds more southern than I sound Canadian. But
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we’ve really jumbled up our accents. Wow. Cuz she’s immersed herself in it. We’re in Tennessee. So,
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I love it. And you don’t hear this enough. I love it when a when a wife immerses. Like I think if more wives
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immersed, we’d have less marital problems. I think the divorce rate would be lower. How like how deep will your
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wife immerse? And and when will she do it? Well, she she immerses so much that
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she actually what she started doing was my dad’s very southern and so she was kind of like making fun of the way my
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dad talked and so she would do my dad’s accent all the time and she did it she immersed
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herself in it so like a character actor that she almost started talking like him. Wait, so your dad’s in the deep like
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South America? Uh Alabama, but South America South America. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So he talks like this.
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Yeah. Oh, he’s a South American from Alabama. And so, you know, my my wife started
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doing that accent and that’s how she talks around the house. Now, does da or I’m not sure how how you
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say father in Alabama speak? Da da papa. How how do you is it?
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Well, it’s funny. Uh when I’m a kid, I call my dad uh daddy. Daddy.
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Not daddy. Like dead. Like he’s dead. And then e like daddy. You called him
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daddy. Yeah, basically. Yeah, daddy. And you’ll hear little southern kids go,
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“Daddy.” Yeah. You’ll also hear the Melinda’s brothers say that, too.
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Yeah. Daddy and mommy. Yeah. They’re both dead. Daddy and dead mommy.
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Yeah. Wow. Now, did dad or did daddy take
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offense to your wife uh sort of mimicking that accent? Well, I don’t
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know that he was doing it, but uh I don’t know that he knew that she was doing it. But even if he did, I don’t
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think he would be offended. I think he would be into it. So, that represents to me, Dusty, some
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family love. And it’s interesting when you take a complete stranger into your
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bloodline, right? Your family bloodline. You took a Canadian from another culture, another country,
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and she’s in that place where it’s so comfortable. It’s so family that there’s
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no animosity, there’s no bitterness that she’s poking fun or or emulating his his
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accent. Yeah, they are pretty good at taking a joke, but I think it’s better uh from my
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wife. I don’t know that they like when I’m like if my if I’m making fun of my dad’s accent, I don’t know that he’s as
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into it. Was he violent? Did he beat you? Uh he didn’t beat me. He yelled at me,
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though. Do you wish he had beat you? Uh, sometimes I would rather take a hit
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than be yelled at all the time. And when you say hit, are we talking a a 2×4, a brick, a canoe paddle, a a hockey
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stick? How would you like to be hit by da da? Uh, I wouldn’t mind a 2×4 cuz we were
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wrestling fans. That’s very hacksaw Jim Dugenish, you know, as long as he was holding an
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American flag in the other hand and he’s hitting you with a 2×4. hitting you with a 2×4 with one hand even.
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Oh, now that’s a da da. That’s a dead da the That’s your dad right there.
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Yeah, he’s on the tractor hitting me with the with the 2×4 long. Real long. I wanted to be like a 10ft board.
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Oh god. Yeah. The kind where you check out at Home Depot, you got to lay it on that flatbed cart.
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Oh yeah. Yeah. You’re not standing it up in the push cart. You’re laying it down. You’re knocking over things when you
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turn it. Yeah. Oh, that’s called a Home Depot line record 2×4. I put some of those through the back
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window of my truck one day. It had a It had a place for it. Oh, yeah. And then I It was sticking out of the
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back of the truck. I ended up hitting some lawnmowers with it as I Yeah. It was a mess cuz that’s what happens. You You throw
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it into the back of your truck and you forget and it goes right through the window. The back window.
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I had the little flag on it, you know, but I was still hitting lawnmowers and Oh, the little red flag. Yeah. To let people know, hey, there’s
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wood back here. Yeah. that’s hanging off the back, right? People hang the little Yeah. Yeah. Let them know, hey, there’s wood in
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here. I used to hang a thong off of mine. Oh, yeah. Because, you know, people when they’re driving, they’re sort of lacadasical.
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They’re like, you know, they don’t really pay attention. When you have a little orange, you know, neon strip
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hanging off your lumber in the back of your truck. Yeah. People, they get blasze, they forget.
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But when you’ve got a Victoria’s Secret uh thong hanging off and it says cinnamon angel right on the front part.
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Oh, you people pay attention. Yeah. And you might pick up some dollars along the way. You know, maybe people
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are putting money in there in the thong. Yeah. The stripper effect. They’re like the telling the wood take
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it off. Yeah. Peel the peeler effect. Yeah. I dig it.
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21:45
Uh, speaking of tractors, I love it that you mentioned tractor. Did Did do you have one? Did your family have one? Did
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you grow up around tractors? Yeah, my dad said my dad has a couple of tractors. Talk to me. Yeah. Well, we My dad would bail hay and
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so when you bail hay, you have to cut it with a tractor and then raking and bailing happens at the same time. So,
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what was the first one? Raking. Raking. Yeah. So, one person has to rake all the hay into a row.
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Okay. And then the bor picks it up. So, I would be the raker. Okay. And then my, you know, I would just be
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raking along and then I would be doing something wrong, whatever it might be. And then my dad yelling at me from
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another tractor. I can’t hear what he’s saying, but he’s waving his arms. Waving his arms and his face is red and I I’m like, I
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messed up. I don’t know what I did, but I messed up. He’s in the balor. He’s on the other tractor with the bor.
22:36
Yeah. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. And when you assemble the Hey,
22:43
and if this is too personal, you don’t have to answer. Okay. Like, let me show you the respect like
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right out of the gate. Is your family when you bail the hay a
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rectangular cube family or do you do the big rolls?
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Well, I don’t mind sharing. There was um we started off as a rectangular bail
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family. Wow. And it was it’s hard. It was hard on us. Yeah, those are tough because my you know my dad would bail it
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and then they would be laying all out in the field. Yeah. They’re like giant golden Legos, but without the bumps.
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Yeah. And not Yeah. There’s not really any way to build with them. You can’t stick them together. And then my dad would drive in a tra a
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truck with a trailer. Here we go. And we would have to get me and my stepbros have to pick all that hay up.
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You had step brothers? Yeah, I had step brothers for a time. So you guys did like Irish line dancing.
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Yeah. Well, yeah, we were Yeah, we were part of a They Yeah, we were part of a dance team. We did step.
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Yeah. Yeah. But you know, fun. That’s how we built up our muscles was picking up that hay. Wow.
23:53
Yeah. So, you started as the rectangular golden I don’t want to call them cubes.
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Can you call it rectangle a cube, Dusty? Well, now that you know we always called them square bales, but I think that
24:06
But are they? They’re not squares. Yeah, I think someone might have been lying to themsel.
24:11
So, we were really I mean, they’re rectangles. They’re rectangles. But you don’t, you know, when you’re out in the country, you don’t want to get too specific with
24:18
the shapes. You don’t want to look like Well, you don’t really look like you’re better than everybody, you know? It’s
24:23
like, it’s like if it’s got four corners, it’s a square. That’s what I love about country folk.
24:29
Like they don’t they’re like that. They’re humble. They don’t you don’t want to you don’t want to walk around at
24:34
the Morning Earl got uh 87 rectangles out in the field today. Yeah. You don’t
24:40
want to rectangle your neighbor. No. Cuz if he don’t know what a rectangle is, then now you put him in a
24:45
spot. Yeah. It’s like, you know, those ones that look like a square. Yeah. I don’t shape people.
24:51
Yeah. Um Okay. So, when you say you started as a rectangle family, I feel like this is
24:58
going somewhere. Well, at some point, my dad, Here we go. he bought a round BOR
25:05
and that tore our family apart, I think, because well, we no longer had, you know, the team. We no longer needed to
25:12
work as a team because Oh, now you pick up the round bal with a tractor.
25:17
So, it’s an all-in-one sort of apparatus. Yeah. Me and my step brothers basically lost our jobs.
25:23
Oh my god. Did you run away from home? From farm. They ran away. Can you say run away from home when you
25:29
live on a farm or do you say I ran away from farm? I I think Well, depending on how you
25:36
think of the farm. I mean, is the farm your home? Yeah, that’s true. Because some to some
25:41
people it’s not it’s not their home. But when you talk to people you hear the term farm folk and then you hear homo,
25:48
you hear home folk. Yeah. And so I guess I was just wondering.
25:54
Yeah. I think we were, you know, we were farm folk. It’s harder to run away from farm when
26:01
probably the farm has horses and they can catch you easy. Yeah. I mean, yeah, we tried to run many
26:08
times. My dad would catch us on that horse. Yeah. He’d get the dogs out
26:13
or run us down. Oh, dust. Yeah. Um,
26:19
John Deere manure spreader. Talk to me. Talk to them more than me. I know what
26:24
it is. Well, but talk to me. People need to be informed. The the manure spreader. Talk
26:30
to me. Well, you know, we I think a man we never really operated a manure
26:36
spreader, but my understanding is, you know, you you get, you know, I guess in Canada, you keep the cows in the barn
26:42
all winter. Yeah. Cuz it’s too cold. It’s too cold to [ __ ] outside. So, it’s just just the manure just piles
26:48
up. So, you’re able to take it, throw it in this manure spreader, and then you can fertilize your field.
26:54
Yeah. But in Alabama, the cows are outside all year. So, they spread their own manure. So
27:00
they’re their own little manure spreaders. Yeah. They are spreading manure all at all times. So, for those of you that
27:07
don’t, you know, know the depths of life, of living, of having a life the
27:14
way me and Dusty do, for those of you that have never experienced or know what a manure spreader is, somebody invented
27:21
a large tractor with a huge basin in it where it literally scoops up all the
27:28
piles of cow manure. uh it sits in said basin and it has a flume whereas the
27:36
drivers driving said manure spreader, it literally sprays manure out all over the
27:43
fields to fertilize it as Dusty alluded to. Yeah. and great for fertilizing your
27:49
crops, great for uh giving nutrients back to mother earth, but even better uh
27:56
if you’ve got a heavy foot and this is for you and your family if they want it. If you like to drive fast, if you got a
28:03
bit of a race car driver in you and you get the police chasing you, nothing uh
28:09
better than speeding down the road in a manure spread or you hear those sirens and watch the lights in your rearview
28:15
mirror. You hit the [ __ ] switch. Oh yeah. And those cops ain’t never catching you.
28:20
That’s right. You’re blacking out their windows and they’re swerving around like Dolly Parton on a Lilith Fair toilet seat.
28:29
Yeah. And they Yeah. And they don’t like it.
28:34
I mean, I didn’t want to bring that up, but I did. Yeah.
28:40
I mean, you’re right, though. You are. I mean, it’s, you know, makes me laugh, but you’re right. Yeah. You got to laugh at Dolly Parton
28:47
sliding around on a Lilith Fair toilet seat.
28:52
Wow. I feel a bit ill. I got to be honest, after saying that.
28:58
Now, Dust. Do you mind me calling you Dust or is is that an insult? No, I like it. That’s a bit of bit of a
29:04
family name for me. I like it too because there’s something eternal yet
29:09
something hauntingly sad about your name because I hanker back to the 1970s where
29:16
I had my Calvin Klein cut off jeans and a and a Ario Speed Wagon shirt and I’m
29:23
at a Kansas concert in Boston of all places which seems sort of sacrilege.
29:29
Yeah. And you know, people with their lighters and dust in the wind.
29:36
Oh yeah. All we are is dust in the wind. And it reminds me of you a bit when I hear
29:42
that. I Well, I love that song. And I I’ve
29:47
sing that song. When I hear that song, I do think of myself. And you know, interesting. People don’t
29:53
do the lighters anymore. So even the light I feel like the lighter thing is kind of dust in the wind at this point.
29:59
People Huh? Well, they they pull out their iPhones and turn the flashlight on.
30:04
Oh, yeah. They’re like afraid of lighters now. I don’t even think people are smoking. They don’t even have a lighter on.
30:10
Yeah. That was half the fun of the lighters because those lighters would actually heat up. Yeah. And after about 30 seconds, you you
30:17
could be at a Prince concert, purple rain, per and it literally smelt like
30:22
one of the ovens in Switch. Like it just burning flesh. Yeah. And I know that’s a tough
30:29
reference, but it’s true. But you are burning your your fingers. You’re they were scorching their flash
30:35
because the me the plastic button wouldn’t be hot. But if it goes out, you got to relight. And that’s when it gets
30:41
you gets you. That’s when it gets you. And then you lose all your fluid. You can’t even smoke after the show’s over.
30:48
Yeah. Because you burned up your lighter. Oh, dusty. It’s dust in the wind. That is dust in the wind. It’s a deep song, too.
30:55
That’s what scares me about today. Today’s songs are got to get to the club, going to the club, going to get my
31:01
[ __ ] at the club. Whereas Dust in the Wind, if you listen to the lyrics,
31:06
it’s literally about how we’re all just here for a flicker of time. We’re literally just molecules and atoms that
31:13
when we die, we dry up and we blow and we’re we’re dust in the wind. It’s about
31:18
Yeah. We just vanish away. You ever see like a dead animal and it’s just been it’s been dead a while
31:24
and you’re like this thing’s just evaporating away. Yeah. Where’s it going?
31:29
It’s going into the wind. Yeah. With the dust. Same old song. Like when you dust your house, uh that
31:37
ain’t just uh weird little uh air nuggets. That’s a dead uh that’s a dead
31:42
antelope or a dead uh bison. Yeah, this dust. Where is it coming from? cleaning ladies must be so sad at
31:50
night when they close their eyes thinking about all the death from the dust. Yeah. That they’ve just swept up and
31:57
probably inhaled a lot of it. Yeah. That’s what you know, not to be gross, but that’s what they say boogers
32:04
are, right? Is it is dust in your nose and the mucus has collected it.
32:11
Oh. So, if we’re being scientific about boogers,
32:18
the moisture in your nose and traps the dust causes it to sort of coagulate, if
32:25
you will, and sort of form into a gelatinous clump and then eventually
32:31
when the moisture is drained from breathing, it becomes hardened,
32:37
sometimes almost crystallized. Yeah. And that becomes the booger. And you can
32:42
get it. And it’s weird that our nose is, as gross as it is to pick your nose. Yeah. The skin, the nostrils really are kind
32:50
of designed to flex and let you get in there. To dig around.
32:55
Yeah. It’s like it’s meant to be dug around in. Yeah. You ever And this is maybe too,
33:01
you ever grow a fingernail a little extra long just so you can do some extra digging?
33:07
I’ve scraped the inside of my nose with a fingernail before. Sometimes that nail is the difference between getting the
33:13
golden nugget and not getting it. And you got to get it sometime. You got to get it. I mean, we all Nobody likes to be seen
33:19
doing it, but you got to do it. Folks, grow a fingerpicking nail. If if you if me and Dusty can implore you to
33:26
do anything here today. Uh, grow a I like to do the pinky. Oh, yeah. Really get the pinky in there.
33:32
Get the pinky. Get just grow a nail to get clean out your snot goblins.
33:37
Yeah. And then flick it. Oh, flick it. I like to flick it out the window of the car.
33:44
Wow. Does it ever blow back in and land on your glasses? Wow. That would be incredible.
33:49
Wow. But no, that’s not happened. But I’m sure it’s come back in. Oh, wow.
33:54
I don’t know. When you flick it, and again, I guess I’m I don’t know why I’m being so scientific around you, but when
34:02
you flick said golden nugget, are you doing it just carefree and whimsically,
34:08
or are you doing it, and maybe this is the Ottabon in me, are you flicking it
34:14
towards a field, hoping that it lands and takes root and germinates and grows
34:19
into a snot bush? Well, I hope the hell am I talking about? Now, I hope the wind picks it up
34:25
and I do hope it carries it into a field cuz as we’ve established, the dust itself is just dead animals and now it’s
34:33
gone into my nose, coagulated, and now I’ve taken it out and it’s almost like a bur a burial if I
34:42
can get it into a field. Wow. Who knew that a snot could be so have so
34:49
much depth and and beauty really? I mean, when you think about people just think it’s
34:54
gross, but it’s really beautiful when you think about it that way. Have you ever done the one where and this is again is you ever instead of
35:02
flicking, you put it on your tongue and like shoot it. Well, I do a lot of
35:09
things like that. I do love a pop a little piece of popcorn, but I don’t, you know, I never have been a a boogers
35:17
in the mouth guy. I never been into Never been into that. Would you like to be?
35:23
I you know, there’s always time, but I don’t think so. I saw a kid at the trampoline park talking to my daughter
35:29
the other day and he had one. He just had a loose one that he was he was
35:34
moving around. Okay. And I just kept watching him make sure he didn’t wipe it on my daughter. Yeah.
35:39
Cuz he was asking me how to work a machine. Like I worked at the Everybody thinks I work somewhere. And uh and I
35:47
just was wondering where his dad was at to teach him to flick it, you know. Yeah. So he was just like
35:53
he was holding it. He wouldn’t didn’t know how to get rid of it. And I I’ll be honest, the grossest part is right before he walked off, put it in
36:00
his mouth. And did he or did he eat it? I don’t know. I I almost threw up a
36:06
little bit when I saw him do it. You got the anxiety going through thinking he might use your daughter as a
36:11
snot post, right? And just because he’s got you got to get rid of that. Yeah. He can’t seem to get it get rid of
36:17
it himself because if you hold on to that that stuff’s gooey and your fingers will fuse together.
36:22
Yeah. And then if you let a booger dry you you’ll have a real problem getting that crab claw part. Like
36:29
that is true. Yeah. You’ll be like a perpetual like Italian chef. Like Okay. Hey, there’s no food around but my
36:37
fingers are stuck. Yeah. Um well interesting. Uh, so, uh,
36:44
Alabama, what’s the deal with peaches?
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38:20
Like, can you kind of frame up the whole peach culture in Alabama? Like, it’s not
38:25
the most masculine thing I’ve ever heard, but maybe I’m missing something. Peach me.
38:30
Well, it’s it’s not the most masculine thing, that’s for sure. But,
38:36
you know, there’s something about a peach. It’s uh it’s you know, it’s it’s bright and it’s a little soft. You got
38:43
to get it a little bit soft. You almost want it where you’re like, “Oh, this might be too soft.” And then
38:49
you bite into it. It’s got a little fuzz around it, which people some people can’t get into that texture. I like it.
38:55
I think it’s um uh it’s almost like an animal, like you’re biting into an animal a little bit and then you bite
39:01
and then the juices come down. It’s real juicy and it’ll come down and doesn’t matter how many napkins you have, you
39:07
can’t control it. And then and then you just eat it and then there’s a little seed in the middle that that’s you know
39:14
that if the peaches ripen up the the seed will just kind of fall out. Is it a cedar? I’ve heard it called a
39:20
pit. Well there is a is the seed is inside this pit.
39:25
Oh so the pit is the shell for the seed. It’s like like an apricot has it. A plum
39:31
has it and it’s just you know it’s protecting the seed. It’s a little pit little veiny looking brain looking pit.
39:37
Oh, it’s like the brain of the peach. Well, you certainly paint a uh an intoxicating picture. I’m sort of
39:45
feeling a hankering for a peach ra now now, but I don’t know that I’m hankering for the
39:50
fuzz. Is there any other entity, fruit, meat, vegetable that we eat that has
39:56
fuzz on it? I think a kiwi is about the only other thing. And you know what?
40:01
Recently, I found that you can eat the whole kiwi. There’s no need to peel it. You can just eat the kiwi.
40:08
God, the feathers and everything. Everything. Yeah, it’s Yeah, it’s got uh You don’t There’s no need to pluck it.
40:13
You just get right into it. God. And that’s how I do it. I like I like to
40:18
just eat fruit. I don’t like the strawberries. I don’t like to take the green stuff off the I like to just eat
40:24
it. But the fuzz, Dusty, like it’s Do we have an organ in our body that is to
40:31
break down fuzz? I mean, our liver breaks down alcohol and our spleen breaks down sugar and our lungs break
40:38
down oxygen. Is there a fuzz buster within us? There could, you know, peach could have its own enzymes that help it break down
40:46
the fuzz. Maybe you got to crack open that pit. Get in there, eat that seed. But what is the fuzz? It’s like this.
40:52
It’s almost like a little almost invisible siliated hair. Like the hair that grows on a baby. Those little white
40:59
hairs. Is it baby hair? What? Who? You could you could get the clippers out,
41:04
you know, the little clippers. And you could shave off that peach fuzz.
41:10
I eat it. I can feel it on my tongue. It’s like eating a soft cactus, but I just realized that when you described
41:16
it, I’m like, should we be ingesting fuzz? Well, I don’t know. I don’t know that
41:21
there’s been a lot of research done on it. That’s what I’m kind of saying. But, you know, you’re driving through Alabama, stop off at a roadside stand,
41:28
they got a bunch of peaches. Sometimes the fuzz will just come off in your hands a little bit if you have a lot of
41:34
you have a hefty fuzz on it. Yeah. Yeah. So much fuzz it’s like almost like Horton here’s a whoa
41:39
diarrhea or something. Yeah. And you’re just eating it. You got juices on you and little hairs. Cactus
41:45
is a good reference. It’s like a soft cactus. It’s a very malleable soft cactus.
41:51
It’s the cactus of the south maybe. Yeah. Baby cactus eggs. Yeah.
41:56
God. Uh, it’s weird that we’re going a little scientific
42:02
because there’s something a little offsetting about you where you’ve got sort of the country
42:10
sort of Alabama look with the hair and the thing, but then your glasses look very
42:17
scientific. Yeah. There’s something sort of mismatched a little.
42:22
I like uh, you know, I like, you know, I like to throw people off a bit, you I go, “Yeah,
42:27
what you see may not be scientific, but what I see is.”
42:33
Yeah. So, it’s a bit of a optical illusion. Cuz here we are talking about tractors
42:38
and peach fuzz and dust in the wind, but something in your eyes as I look through
42:44
the lenses of your science glasses makes me think you’re a way off somewhere else
42:49
thinking about separating molecules and atoms and watching galaxies far far
42:54
away. Yeah, I want to take a peach pit now and put it under the uh microscope and see what’s going on in there.
43:00
Wow. Maybe there’s maybe there’s some answers in there. Horton, here’s a
43:06
I was going to say [ __ ] but that’s not nice. Well, I bet Horton Horton’s heard it all.
43:12
Are there [ __ ] in Whoville? There’s got to be. I mean, there’s got to be because they’re everywhere. So,
43:18
hey, Horton. 80 bucks for a rim job behind Dairy Queen. Is that Horton?
43:24
Here’s a [ __ ] I think it is. Wow. Dirty. Yeah. I mean, you know,
43:29
Whoville, we only get a we only get a glimpse of Whoville and the Grinch, I
43:36
believe, is Whoville? Is that Whoville? Oh, yeah. That’s right. Yeah, we only get a glimpse, but Whoville, no question, has a seedy side
43:44
to it. Yeah. Hey, uh, Horton, 80 bucks for a 69
43:49
position at the Red Roof in. What do you say? That’s Horton here’s a [ __ ]
43:55
Yeah. God. And that’s why Horton’s not wrote books about it because Horton’s he’s been
44:01
there before. You think he’s done it? Yeah. A dirty little elephant. Yeah. There’s a song called the Lincoln
44:08
Park in where it’s a you it’s a it’s a country song, you know, and it’s I think it’s Bobby Bayer sings it and he’s like
44:14
he’s talking about how, you know, he’s doing all these things for his family. He’s fixing his son’s bike. His wife’s
44:20
baking cookies. But Margie’s at the Lincoln Park in. And he says, “And I know why she’s there.”
44:26
Why? Uh he says, “I know why she’s there. I’ve been there before.” It’s what he says.
44:31
And that rhymes with Horton here’s a [ __ ] Yeah. And that’s what I, you know, I think Bobby Bayer knows about Whoville
44:39
and that’s what’s going on there. There’s there’s a Lincoln Park in in Whoville. Is that so? It’s kind of like
44:45
the local hotel of illreute. Illreute, I think. So,
44:51
wow. Interesting. Yeah. He says, “I’m almost out of cigarettes.” And Margie’s at the Lincoln Park in. So, I think he’s saying I could
44:58
just go, “Hey, I got to go pick up a pack of cigarettes.” And then swing by the hotel.
45:04
See, this is why I love country music. I’m I’m assuming, and I hope I You know, maybe I shouldn’t. You like the country
45:10
music? I love it. It’s the best. See, you could you could take a slice of life and you
45:15
just say a line from a country song and it almost paints the whole picture. Yeah.
45:20
Do you have a favorite country uh song line that just stands out?
45:26
Well, that’s a good one that I just said because he says it, you know, and I know
45:31
why she’s there. It’s real haunting like. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It’s really good. Uh I mean there’s so many. I mean Hank Jr. has the
45:38
the country boy can’t survive song which is a good one. Is there a line in particular that resonates with you?
45:44
Says, “I got a shotgun, a rifle, and a four-wheel drive, and a country boy can survive.” You know, that’s a fun Yeah.
45:51
A country boy can’t survive or can’t can survive. Can survive. Yeah. What are they again? A
45:57
a shotgun, a rifle, and a four-wheel drive. Wow. Yeah. And what about a [ __ ]
46:04
Well, he doesn’t say it in there, but Hank Jr. Yeah. I mean, he’s he’s got other songs. All my rowdy friends are
46:09
coming over tonight. Yeah. You know, I mean, I’m sure that video lets you know he’s got some he’s
46:15
got some in the chamber. I would like to just for once hear a country singer
46:22
sing about another country. Oh, yeah. Cuz they’re country I’ve never heard like Johnny Cash or Hank Williams Jr.
46:29
going, “I was sitting on my porch thinking about India. Oh, them Indian
46:36
people. They’re real funny fellas.” Oh, yeah. I’m with you.
46:41
Oh, the Indians are fun. They like to wear a turban. Indians are fun. Oh,
46:48
let’s go have a lemonade and a beer in good old Bangladesh. Like, when are country singers going to
46:54
start actually singing about other countries? Well, yeah. You would think if you’re a country singer would be a singer that
47:02
sings about a lot of countries. That’s I’m not hearing it. I know a guy
47:07
selfish and I can’t think of his name, but he has a song about England, but he’s That’s a country singer to me,
47:12
but he doesn’t like it. He doesn’t like England and he can’t wait to get back to Texas. But the point is he’s singing about another country.
47:18
That is true. That a country singer. I like that. Country music is music about
47:25
other countries, right? But so selfish, so self-indulgent. All they ever sing about is America.
47:30
Yeah. Maybe Mexico. Some of the older ones will get into singing about Mexico. really
47:36
go like the Wild West. Yeah. The sea Merl Haggard. Willie Nelson have
47:41
the seashores of old Mexico. There you go. Okay. True country music. Yes.
47:46
Uh speaking of Willie Nelson, have you ever met him? Never met Willie Nelson. What? I know. I met a lot of country singers.
47:53
Never Willie Nelson though. Never been on his tour bus. No. I met his granddaughter.
47:59
Oh, I think I’ve met her. She’s She does music, right? Oh, yeah. I met Willie once. I did a movie called
48:06
um what was it called? The Dukes of Hazard. We did a sequel to it. Oh yeah. And Willie was in it
48:12
and I got to hang out with Willie and Oh, that’s cool. I I can’t remember
48:17
but I told him a joke and maybe I do remember the joke and I he laughed so hard.
48:23
Oh yeah. And I think the joke was it was a really naughty joke and it was told to me by
48:30
Mark McKinley from Kids in the Hall. We were doing a movie called Superstar
48:36
with Molly Shannon. Oh yes. And he told me this joke and you know
48:43
16 years later I was sitting around with Willie Nelson and I think he said,
48:48
“Anybody how anybody got a joke?” And I thought of this one. Do you want to hear
48:54
it? Yeah, I do want to hear it. It it’s sort of um it’s it’s it’s a toughy but he laughed his ass off. I
49:01
remember. Here it is. This creepy guy, he’s like a pedophile.
49:07
He’s walking by a school. He grabs a kid, takes the kid down the
49:13
sidewalk. They go into the forest. They walk deeper and deeper and deeper into
49:19
the forest. Finally, the kid stops, tugs on the creepy guy’s cone, says, “Mister,
49:25
I’m scared.” And the creep says, “You’re scared. I gotta walk out of here alone.
49:31
[Laughter]
49:38
And you know, not my joke, but Yeah. Willy love. It’s funny. I appreciate a joke.
49:44
It’s dark, right? Yeah, it’s dark. Do you have a dark joke you like? Uh, you know, I don’t tell as many jokes
49:50
now like that, you know. Yeah. This isn’t a joke I do in my act. This is just kind of one of those almost
49:56
come like bar jokes where you know you sitting you want to hear buddy you want to hear a joke. It’s one of those
50:01
I had a joke I was trying to write about about the woods. I heard a radio advertisement one time and they were
50:08
just advertising the woods. They weren’t even selling anything. They were like just go out there to the
50:14
woods. Just get out there. Nobody owns it. Yeah. Get out there guys. And it’s not as creepy as it could have been, you
50:19
know, because they weren’t they weren’t advertising specific woods, you know. Yeah, they weren’t like, “Meet me behind those
50:25
woods, behind that old school around, you know, and that’s about as far as the
50:30
joke ever went.” But, uh, but I did think it was funny. They were just advertising the woods. They were
50:35
like, “Hey, they they spent money to be like, “Kids, go in the woods.” Hey
50:41
folks, do you like trees? How about Birch Park? Sniffed any cedar needles
50:46
lately? You might want to get out to the woods. There’s leaves all around. Leaves
50:51
are fun. They change colors and they crackle under your feet in the fall.
50:56
Make sure you and your family get out to the woods. Birds nest, we got them. Birds in trees,
51:04
we got them. Ever seen an owl? Get out to the woods. They’re there at night.
51:09
That’s right. Nightwoods. And you can stop me whenever you want. Well, and I’m listening to the ad and
51:16
I’m going, “Well, I want to get in on that.” But where? Out in the woods, right? You’re like, “Well, which ones
51:22
though?” You know, you don’t do they all have these cra, you know, like cuz if
51:28
you need an advertisement for the woods, then you probably don’t know anything about the woods.
51:33
Tired of toilet paper? Now you could take a giant Cracker Barrel dump and
51:39
wipe your ass with a birch tree leaf. And who hasn’t been there? I’ve been
51:44
there. I If you’re out in the woods and you got It’s beautiful. Especially if you’re alone and you’re in the woods and you got to go. Oh,
51:51
just do it. If nothing else gets you into the woods, it’s the wipe your ass with a leave plug.
51:56
Yeah. And I I I’ll challenge it. You know, like a a maple leaf is softer than any
52:02
bounty three ply. Yeah, I agree. You don’t want to wipe it with like a a magnolia leaf.
52:07
Oh, no. That’s like a You’re scraping it off. It’s like a real hard and shiny. Well,
52:12
what’s neat too about when you wipe with a leave, there’s often parasites or insect eggs and you could get 10
52:19
caterpillars around your anus and they’ll eat the crust as you’re driving home or they’ll eat a dingleberry. So,
52:25
it’s almost like a clean after the clean. You almost wonder if that’s not what we need anyway, just to have that kind of
52:33
uh uh mites in that area just to keep us clean at all times. Yeah, cuz I hear we
52:38
have microscopic mites in our eyelids. Have you ever heard this? I don’t think so.
52:44
If you look it up, there’s micro We all have them sitting on in the on our inner eyelashes and in our eyelids. There’s
52:50
microscopic mites. You’ve got them right now. Parasites. You didn’t even know. Is that what’s in our like if you like
52:56
if you close your eyes and you can see still things moving around. No. No. That’s uh those are sea monkeys.
53:03
Okay. Yeah. But these are actual things. They don’t leave the eyelid area. They don’t venture into the uh vitriolic fluid in
53:10
the eyeball. What do they do in there? I guess they they eat they eat eyelash grease. They eat uh Kat Von D’s Midnight
53:19
Sunsplash mascara. You ever think if you’re blinking a lot, the mites are like, “Whoa, whoa, slow it
53:25
down.” Or are they like, “Woohoo!” Yeah, it’s like a ride, right? Like if like say you’re making
53:32
out with somebody and you you trade eye and then you get and then your mites get
53:39
onto a someone that blinks a lot and it’s is it is it too much of a change?
53:44
And what if you exchange eyemites with someone and then when you go up to do your holy vows, do you take this woman
53:51
to be your law awful weded wife and you go I might. Oh yeah. Instead of I do.
53:58
I might. Yeah. I might. I might. Excuse me. The priest like, “Excuse me.” No. I might. No. It’s I do. No. No. No.
54:06
I might. Father. All over. Yeah. Might. I might. I might. I might. Now we’re going into I
54:14
might. How you doing, mate? Yeah. How about a lawyer? Might. Now we’re in Australia. This thing just keeps
54:20
meandering. Yeah. Uh, speaking of mites, my guy,
54:26
uh, someone was in the pesticide game early on in their career before the
54:31
comedy might bit. That’s true. I might talk to me. I might might
54:37
have killed a lot of my ownites with pesticides. I was a pesticide salesman. I sold to uh Lowe’s and Home Depot. I
54:44
would go in and I would go, “Hey, you guys want to buy some of these pesticides?” And and then, you know, they already
54:51
were sold in the store, but I would go, you know, you might, you know, you might want more of these,
54:56
right? Because my competition was in there and they were like, “Hey, buy mine.” And I was like, “No, but mine is better for
55:04
you.” Wow. Mine costs less. I sold the generic brands of pesticides.
55:09
So, yours were garden pesticides. They weren’t necessarily commercial like
55:14
massive acreage farm pesticides, or were they? No, no, no. gu more garden variet. Yeah,
55:20
it was Yeah, you you I mean you could do a whole farm if you wanted. You just need to buy a lot of it.
55:26
You’d have to crop dust it. Yeah. What would you say the most uh
55:31
problematic uh insect is that deserves pesticide?
55:38
Well, I think you know uh the obvious answer is the roach. But you know, bed
55:45
bugs like when I first started selling pesticides, we weren’t even really
55:50
selling bed bug killer. And then one day we started selling a lot of bed bug
55:57
killer. And I and you know, no offense to Myrtle Beach. I love Myrtle Beach, but we used to sell
56:03
a lot of bed bug killer in Myrtle Beach. It was like a lot of it.
56:08
I think bed bugs are kind of dumb. Like, wouldn’t just the fact that people fart in their sleep be enough for a bed bug
56:15
to go, I’m out of here. I’m going to go on a I’m going to go on a piece of furniture where I ain’t
56:20
getting farted on all night. Yeah. I don’t know. I mean, the it could be Imitites getting into the mattress
56:28
and adapting to this. Oh, wow. You know, maybe it’s retired. I mightites become Yeah. They need to
56:35
rest. They’re retired. They find a place to stretch out a bed. Myrtle Beach is a bit of a retirement
56:40
community. This is all making sense. Yeah. I think of all the little critters that
56:48
walk around, the most fascinating to me are the ants. Yeah. I call them the snowmen of the insect
56:55
world. You know why? Well, they look a bit like a snowman. They’re the only critter with three body
57:00
parts. They got the three like little balls. They’re like walking snowmen except they live in the ground.
57:06
That’s what we should be making. Instead of snowmen with just an arm, why don’t we do
57:12
snowmen and then put six arms on it? Yeah. Ant-Man.
57:17
Yeah. And spray paint it black. And you won’t have to use as much snow. You could probably make one with about
57:24
10 flakes versus having to roll a giant ball down the lawn or whatever.
57:29
Yeah. Ant-Man. Ant-Man. That’s better. Frosty the Ant-Man was a
57:36
very hungry ant. He ate a grasshopper’s leg and dragged it down the hole to the
57:42
other ant man. Oh, hey. Sort of changes the Christmas carol though. Yeah,
57:47
it’s not yet. You know that song where he says uh that that one song where he says uh like walking in the winter
57:54
wonderland, they’ll say they build a snowman and they say we’ll pretend that he is Parson Brown. Yeah.
58:00
I always thought they said, “We’ll pretend that he is marching proud.” Oh. And then when it says he’ll say, “Are
58:07
you married?” We’ll say, “No, man. But you can do the job while you’re in town.” I thought they were trying to
58:13
marry the snowman. Yeah. I thought they were getting married to the snowman,
58:19
which might be the perfect marriage. Yeah. It is. Yeah. It’s just a wintertime fling. like, “Hey, great
58:27
great happy wife, nice life, and then she melts.” Yeah. Oh, well,
58:32
just a winter fling, you know, just when you, you know, you need to stay warm for the winter, you you know, you take on a
58:38
wife in summer, you’re like, “Nah, I’m free again. Start all over again.”
58:43
Yeah. Uh, we got to talk about Dust the Hair.
58:50
It’s look, it’s a bit of a power move to blast into the Harland Highway. Hair, we
58:56
know what hair is. It’s protein since we’re being scientific. Yeah, it’s pure protein. You’re coming in here
59:03
proteining me. Uh, I’m feeling a little, I’m going to be honest, vulnerable, insecure.
59:09
You got great hair, though. I know, but I don’t have that. And
59:14
well, I feel good. But I mean it’s uh you know I you know my hair’s my best
59:20
feature I think. Can I have a best feature?
59:25
I think you have you know Yeah. I mean you know I I think we got to all decide what our own best feature is.
59:32
But can I have one? Yeah, for sure. Thank you.
59:41
Oh yeah. Yeah, the power move.
59:48
Oh yeah. Now this is the Harland Highway, huh?
59:53
This is the Harland Highway. This is what I’m talking about, dude. Oh yeah.
59:58
Protein. Wow. That changed you, right? Yeah. Wow.
1:00:05
Let’s party guy. Yeah. That’s big time. Look at that. Pro team. Talk about dust in the win.
1:00:12
Yeah. Yeah. Wow.
1:00:17
What was that? I don’t know. I think you’re you’re this
1:00:23
this new look that you’ve just pulled out of nowhere has even shocked things in your studio.
1:00:29
Yeah. Have you ever been with your long hair in a bar standing at the bar and all of
1:00:37
a sudden you feel a hand on your ass and it’s like, “Hey baby, you want to go over to the Holiday Inn?” And then you
1:00:44
turn around and the guy sees it’s a guy, but you ever get it where a guy from behind thinks you’re a hottie? I don’t
1:00:51
have a great backside. I don’t think so. I don’t think like even if they think
1:00:57
I’m a woman they’re like I’m not into it though, right? Yeah. Yeah. There’s a girl at the bar.
1:01:04
Beautiful hair. She has a wonderful set of hair but not really much on the
1:01:09
backside. Bit of a hump back. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Heavy girl. Yeah. But
1:01:17
they’ve never like seen it hanging down and it’s like I’ve cuz I’ve been in places where I’ll see like a long head
1:01:24
of hair and I think, “Oh, there’s a hottie.” Yeah. And then they turn around, they got the beard and the glasses.
1:01:29
I think I get it in the car sometimes. People will pass me. And I like to look at people in the car as they pass. And
1:01:35
I’ll notice dudes looking in the car. Wow. And they I think they think they’re about to check out a girl and then they
1:01:41
they they instead they make dead eye contact with me. And how’d that go?
1:01:46
I go, you know, I give him, you know, I give him a wave. I go, “What are you up to?” Wow. Yeah.
1:01:52
I saw I go, I say, “You looking? This is going to be awkward.” And I’ve never, now that I’ve got this and we’re
1:01:58
doing the hair thing, I’ve never said this to a man before. I don’t even want to say it,
1:02:05
but would it be okay if I blew you? Well, um, that, you know,
1:02:13
I don’t know. I’m going to, you know, I don’t know that I got that time today. I
1:02:18
got a bit of a tight schedule, so I’ll probably have to, you know, you know,
1:02:23
just keep keep going. I got, you know, I got another podcast to do. I got to keep up my strength. Wait, wait, wait.
1:02:29
I can’t give up all this protein. I I think maybe you’re misinterpreting
1:02:34
me. Oh, okay. I’m I’m I’m meaning Oh. Oh, okay.
1:02:40
I would I would love to blow you. Oh, okay. if that’s okay. Like Yeah. Yeah. I don’t mind to blow out.
1:02:46
Yeah, cuz that hair. There we go. Yeah. Are you cool if I blow you?
1:02:51
Yeah. Let’s go. Oh yeah. Oh my god. Oh yeah.
1:02:58
[Music]
1:03:06
Dust in the wind. It’s dust in the wind. Dude, if you want to blow me, I don’t
1:03:12
mind. Yeah. Okay. Oh, blow me. Oh, yeah. Look at that. Look at that
1:03:18
hair. Oh, hang on. Let me Oh.
1:03:25
Oh. Oh, you animal. Oh, yeah. Look at that hair. Oh, we’re riding down
1:03:33
the Harland Highway now. Oh, dude. I’m going to blow myself. Yeah,
1:03:43
that’s why hair is good. That’s why you like a lot of hair. It is. Guys with short hair really miss out on
1:03:49
an opportunity to blow themselves, you know? Yeah. I mean, I’ve never blown a guy
1:03:55
before, but it wasn’t that hard. No. Like, it wasn’t I’m not uncomfortable. I
1:04:01
don’t feel weird about it. And it was sort of fun. Yeah, it was fun. I mean, you know, um,
1:04:09
you know, at first, you know, we had a bit of a misunderstanding, but yeah, once we, uh, once we
1:04:15
really got into it, like, if you had told me yesterday that blowing a guy was kind of this easy,
1:04:26
I don’t know if I would have believed it. Yeah. I mean, m, you know, you could have been down in Whoville making a
1:04:32
little money all this time. Dude, I love this.
1:04:38
Yeah, it looks good. I mean, this is a look for you. I think you should just put a
1:04:44
little time into growing it out. And is it longer than yours? That Yeah, that one is. Yeah,
1:04:49
but I don’t have the beard. You have the beard. Yeah. Do people ever tell you you look like
1:04:55
Jesus? I’ve heard that before, but I wear the glasses and the hat, so I don’t think it I don’t I don’t get it as much. Mainly I
1:05:02
get that people think my hair’s fake because I think the beard and hair are different colors. So I get that a lot too fake just recently.
1:05:10
Yeah. Why didn’t Jesus have glasses now that you mention it? Well, I guess he you know I mean it
1:05:16
would would really take away from his healing power if he needed corrective
1:05:22
lens. Yeah, you’re right. He’s like he could just fix his own vision. Who’s going to believe a miracle worker
1:05:28
with like foster grants? Well, even it’s like a fortune teller that’s in like a
1:05:34
small like they’re like that they say they can tell the future, but they’re in a a small trailer or something. It’s like
1:05:40
why do you not just predict your own lottery ticket numbers? Yeah. That you know or or a you know Yeah.
1:05:47
Anybody that claims to know the, you know, or like a a social media guru who
1:05:54
says, “I can help you gain 10,000 followers, but they only have 20.”
1:05:59
Stupid gurus. Yeah. It’s like, “Well, show me that you can do it first.” I almost feel like that’s something
1:06:05
Homer Simpson would say. No, stupid guru. Yeah. Excuse me. That’s a good impression.
1:06:12
Thank you. Sorry. Do you think that you could handle, you know, having this much
1:06:17
hair all the time? I mean, just seeing what you’re going through right now. I mean, I go through this all the time. I’m It’s a constant. I put headphones on
1:06:25
and then the hair hairs in. It’s tucked under my glasses and I’m It’s a real mess.
1:06:31
You know, the answer’s going to be a little odd, but I’m familiar with this, but my ass hair.
1:06:38
Oh, I have ass hair that’s this long. It’s bundled up. I have to put my ass hair in a bun. There’s a bun in my underpants
1:06:45
right now. So, right around my arsh hole. This is pretty much what it This is how long it is.
1:06:51
You got a butt bun. Yeah. Yeah. So, uh I’m a little familiar with it, but not up here, but uh my ars I sit a
1:06:59
little bit lower if I get my ars shaved. You’d like it in a bun or would you I would think you would want to just comb
1:07:05
it down the back of your legs. Well, what I’ll do is I’ll throw it in a ponytail and pretend I’m a zebra. Like
1:07:11
I’ll have a tail. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah. Every now and then I’ll do that if I’m at a nude beach or I’m uh you know,
1:07:18
you could braid it, put a little ball on the end, whip it around, whip it real good. Yeah.
1:07:23
Excuse me. I like the idea though when it’s cold, you could comb comb it down the back of your legs and Yeah.
1:07:28
feel like especially if you’re wearing real short shorts, you could have a lot of hair coming out of the
1:07:34
Excuse me. Sorry. have a lot of hair coming out of the
1:07:39
Sorry. cut off Calvin Klein’s that you’re talking about. Sorry. I hope this isn’t I don’t
1:07:47
sorry it doesn’t bother me. I understand the struggle. That’s why I wear a hat and glasses. Keeps a lot of this tame.
1:07:54
Well, Dusty, let’s get down to our final segment here today. Okay.
1:07:59
We do it with all our guests. Dusty, it’s called Words from a Wooden Shoe.
1:08:05
Oh, we have an authentic Dutch clog. All right. You reach in, you pull out a
1:08:11
word and see if it inspires a story from your your life, something you did,
1:08:17
someone you met that, you know, I used to know this kid growing up and he went to he said he went to Holland and he came back with he
1:08:24
was wearing shoes like this. Really? Yeah. That’s where these are from. Yeah. Holland. And uh you know just the shoe I’m
1:08:31
already inspired to think about this guy that I used to What’s your word dust?
1:08:36
Okay. Sexual chemistry. Two works really. Wow. Yeah. I think we just saw a little of it,
1:08:41
right? I think so, too. Yeah. Right here. Well, there’s nothing like nothing.
1:08:47
Go ahead. gives sexual chemistry quite like two long-haired guys in a podcast studio,
1:08:54
right? Or out on the highway really. On the Harlem Highway, a couple of long-haired dudes uh just sharing stories and and
1:09:03
riffing. There’s no there’s no sexual chemistry quite like that. Yeah.
1:09:08
Um, this is a tough one for you because you’re married. Yeah. So, now I got not to get too deep, but I
1:09:13
got to assume you have sexual chemistry with the wife. I do. We have kids. You’ve got kids. So, you you’ve had
1:09:19
sexual chemistry at least twice. Yeah. Now, if we dipped pre-wife, would that
1:09:26
get you into trouble? No. No. I mean, I’ve had Yeah. I mean, you was there a girl that just stood out of
1:09:32
obviously the wife is number one, but back when you were in high school or was there a sexual chemistry with maybe
1:09:40
someone it was so strong you didn’t even get to connect with them but you could feel it? Was there a story someone with
1:09:47
a sexual chemistry was just so excuse me well just to bring it all back around you know when I was selling pesticides.
1:09:53
Yeah. There was a girl that worked uh in the competition uh she worked for Bayer.
1:10:00
So I was I was a rep of one company and she was the Bayer rep. Okay. And we started to run into each other on
1:10:07
the aisles and Okay. Uh, and she was very attractive, especially
1:10:12
for the world of the Lowe’s and Home Depot industry. Not that there’s not very attractive people, but it’s a real
1:10:19
maledominated sure thing. So, uh, you know, a five could
1:10:24
become an eight real quick in there. But she was very attractive for any setting.
1:10:30
A Home Depot hottie sort of. Yeah. And she was um I’m pretty sure she had a boyfriend, but she we began to
1:10:38
date each other at work. Wow. At pesticide work. Pesticide work. So we uh
1:10:44
Well, she had a boyfriend. Yeah. Dust. So we would, you know, do each other’s
1:10:50
hair, so to speak, in the parking lot of Lowe’s. Um you know. Wait, wait, wait. Is it I don’t
1:10:56
Well, we would, you know, she would, you know, blow dry my hair out in the
1:11:02
parking lot. Would you mind while you’re just I just I have missed a spot. Yeah. So, I’m the bearer rep.
1:11:10
You’re me. We’re in the parking lot right now. Thank you. And uh and then we hooked up behind a rest area
1:11:17
off the in the woods just to bring it full circle in the woods. And uh and we
1:11:24
did that one time behind a rest area. Wow. Yeah. And so we just had a lot of sexual
1:11:29
chemistry at work and you know it just and then when her
1:11:34
job was a seasonal job and when it ended she almost like an aunt. Yeah. She told me she was broken up with
1:11:41
her boyfriend. Yeah. Like a like a snowman. We were I was like her summer
1:11:46
snowman. Wow. And then I thought she was broken up with this guy the whole time. And then when her job ended,
1:11:53
uh oh, she got married to that guy. Oh dear. Yeah. Did you ever develop feelings where you
1:12:00
thought maybe you two would become more than just hookup? Yeah, I was heartbroken.
1:12:06
You were? Well, so she sort of played you. Yeah, she did. Oh, you know, it seems like in this
1:12:12
story, you know, I’m talking about this and we’re having fun. were doing this and that. But yeah, I mean it was uh
1:12:18
yeah, it was uh devastating because imagine this if you will. You’re a
1:12:23
pesticide salesman. You’re going into Lowe’s and Home Depot every day and it just you know and then one day
1:12:29
you start hooking up with a very attractive person and then they the job
1:12:36
is over and now you’re just back to selling pesticides. Oh yeah. You’re like, “What? What?” It
1:12:44
just, you know, so Oh, dusty. Yeah. And you probably missed that smell of
1:12:51
pesticide on her. Like when you’re waiting out in the back of a Volkswagen, I had a hard time making out with
1:12:57
anybody if there wasn’t a little smell of pesticides in the air. I would go I would have I had girls at my apartment.
1:13:03
I’d have to go, “Hold on a second.” And I’d set off a fogger or something just
1:13:08
to set the mood. Oh, nothing like this. The waft of DDT coming off of her neck.
1:13:15
Yeah. I’d go, she goes, “What is that perfume?” I go, “Yeah.” And then I just hit her with a couple just on the neck
1:13:21
just so I could Yeah. You are the orcan man. Yeah. Yeah. Wow.
1:13:27
I mean, we were, you know, I was trying to get rid of that termite infestation. I never get rid of that as long as I’m
1:13:33
around. Uh, dust.
1:13:39
Look at that. Dusty Slay has been the guest today on
1:13:44
the Harland Highway podcast. And Dusty, outstanding comedian, comedy specials,
1:13:52
books. Take this time to tell these folks,
1:13:57
where they can find you, what your social media is, what you got coming up. Well, I got a brand new special right
1:14:02
now on Netflix called Wet Heat, and you can find it. I also have another one
1:14:08
called Working Man. And then uh you can go to dustyslay.com, you can find all my
1:14:13
my new tour and I got a whole new hour. So, you know, I got all these specials
1:14:18
out there, but then I got a whole new hour that you can come and see me uh live. I’m uh also all my social media is
1:14:25
at Dusty Slime. So, I’m all over the place, dude. And you’re just taking off. You’re everywhere.
1:14:31
I’m on the Harland Highway. Yeah, you’re on the Harland Highway. and uh dust in
1:14:38
[Music] the wind. And uh Dusty, thank you for being here
1:14:45
today. Thank you for having me. Oh, you’re so welcome. Uh folks, that’s
1:14:51
it for today on the Harlem Highway. Um thanks for blowing by. Uh and until next
1:14:59
time, chicken chow mane, baby. What kind of conditioner do you use?
1:15:05
Uh, you know, I’ll, you know, I’ll use, uh, I like to use some, what do they say? No paraben, uh, uh, conditioner,
1:15:13
but the name brand doesn’t matter to me. Sorry, I couldn’t hear you. I was blowing myself.
1:15:18
Head and shoulders. Yeah, I It’s tough to tough to hear if you really get into it like that.
1:15:29
Hey gang, are you craving more Harland Williams? Well, join our Patreon page at
1:15:34
patreon.com/harland williams where you’ll get bonus episodes of the Harland Highway podcast, our
1:15:41
special call-in show, and you can check in with our two goofy dolls, the tender
1:15:46
frienders, two guys in their underpants. For a small monthly fee, you get extra Harland. Hey everybody, how would you
1:15:53
like your very own personal video message from me, yours truly? It’s your
1:16:00
birthday. It’s your anniversary, it’s your graduation, or you just want me to make you laugh. You get to pick the
1:16:05
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1:16:11
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1:16:16
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1:16:24
for you or your loved one. Your very own personalized Harland.