The episode, titled “Sohobo,” is a classic installment of Tuesdays With Stories! with hosts Mark Normand and Joe List. They transform everyday chaos into humorous stories, from bizarre touring logistics to urban run-ins. The show’s appeal comes from the hosts’ natural, unfiltered rapport and their ability to find comedy in the mundane.
Episode Insights
The conversation is a free-flowing, stream-of-consciousness style, where one comment can trigger a long story or a spontaneous tangent. The hosts pull from their personal lives as touring comedians and new parents, giving the show a raw, intimate feel.
A central theme is the complex relationship with New York City, which they portray as both a “hell hole” and a “great city.” Joe List describes it as frustrating and dangerous, while later praising its spontaneity and convenience. This duality shows that for the hosts, New York is an engine of creative material tied to its inherent madness.
Another key theme is Mark Normand‘s passive, non-confrontational persona. His stories highlight his placid response to aggression, which is a core part of his comedic formula. This is subverted when a woman he accidentally splatters with chocolate coconut water responds with kindness, a moment that disorients him as much as anticipated anger would have.
Episode Metadata
The episode is titled “Sohobo | Tuesdays With Stories #619 w/ Mark Normand & Joe List.” Mark Normand is a comedian and actor from New Orleans, and Joe List is a comedian and actor from Massachusetts. The show is produced by Chuck, who is a recurring character in their banter.
Main Topics & Themes
Episode Segmentation with Timestamps
| Timestamp (s) | Segment Title | Summary |
| 0:00 – 1:24 | Intro Banter | The hosts open with “fake banter” and joke about their producer, Chuck. |
| 1:25 – 10:22 | Mark Normand‘s “Bike Path Karen” Incident | Mark Normand recounts an extended confrontation with an aggressive woman while riding his e-bike. |
| 10:23 – 12:12 | Joe List‘s Hamptons Gig & Ari Shaffir | Joe List discusses a show in the Hamptons and contrasts his touring life with that of Ari Shaffir. |
| 12:13 – 19:28 | The Shroom Dealer & Mumford & Sons | Joe List details a convoluted process for acquiring psilocybin mushrooms from a “scraggly looking” dreadlocked dealer. |
| 19:29 – 21:55 | The Great Ape Debate | The hosts go on a tangent to determine the scientific difference between an ape and a monkey. |
| 21:56 – 27:10 | The Shroom Trip & The Watchmen | Joe List explains his anxiety-filled trip at the concert. |
| 27:11 – 31:48 | Sponsor Reads | The hosts deliver ad reads for Factor Meals and BetterHelp. |
| 31:49 – 41:29 | The NYC Sickness “Super Spreader Event” | Mark Normand and Joe List discuss a widespread illness that afflicted the NYC comedy scene after a party hosted by Joe List. |
| 41:30 – 53:57 | The Dave Matthews Band Debacle | Joe List recounts a hostile encounter with a parking attendant in New Hampshire and leaving the show early. |
| 53:58 – 1:01:09 | Mark Normand‘s Chocolate Coconut Water Incident | Mark Normand tells a story about accidentally spilling a drink on a woman and being met with kindness. |
| 1:01:10 – 1:04:36 | The Hobo with the Hundo | Mark Normand describes a perplexing encounter with a homeless man staring at a hundred-dollar bill. |
| 1:04:37 – End | Plugs | The episode concludes with the hosts promoting their tour dates and special projects. |
People
Mark Normand: The co-host, an American comedian and actor.
Joe List: The co-host, a fellow American comedian.
Chuck: The show’s producer.
Earl Weaver: An American baseball manager. Mark Normand compares an aggressive woman to him.
Dusty Rhodes: A professional wrestler. Mark Normand uses this comparison for the woman who confronted him.
Erykah Badu: A singer mentioned in a pun.
Ruby: A mutual friend of the hosts who arranged the mushroom delivery.
Sarah Tollemache: Joe List‘s wife, a comedian.
Ari Shaffir: A comedian and podcaster compared to Anthony Bourdain.
Anthony Bourdain: The late chef and traveler. Ari Shaffir‘s lifestyle is likened to his.
Jerry Seinfeld: The American comedian mentioned in two different contexts.
Jackson Browne: A singer-songwriter from a joke on The Simpsons.
Adam Sandler: A comedian and actor Joe List compares Dave Matthews to.
Elvis Presley: The “King of Rock and Roll,” whose impression Joe List does.
George W. Bush: The 43rd U.S. President. Mark Normand jokes that he looks like an ape.
Matthew Salacuse: An American photographer and friend of the hosts.
Charlie Salacuse: Matthew Salacuse‘s son.
Harry Dunn: The character played by Jeff Daniels in Dumb and Dumber.
Louis C.K. & Bobby Kelly: Comedians and friends of the hosts.
Tom Dustin: A comedian and Joe List‘s long-time friend.
Bill Burr: The American comedian who praised Tom Dustin‘s documentary.
Johnny Knoxville: The co-creator of Jackass.
Brad Rohrer: The co-host of Joe List‘s other podcast, Funbearable.
Products
Factor Meals: A meal delivery service.
BetterHelp: An online therapy platform.
Chipotle: A fast-casual restaurant chain.
McDonald’s: The fast-food chain.
Wonderbread: A brand of sliced bread.
Bathing Ape: A Japanese clothing line.
Nissan Sentra: The model of car Joe List owns.
Narragansett Beer: A brewery from Rhode Island.
Toms: A shoe brand Mark Normand expresses disdain for.
Chocolate Coconut Water: The item that explodes and covers a woman.
Chapters
0:00 – Introduction & Neighborhood Observations
- The hosts, Mark Normand and Joe List, begin with fake banter and welcome Chuck, who is getting coffee.
- They describe the neighborhood as “beautiful” but then clarify it’s “pretty black” and not very diverse.
- Joe mentions a recent incident he had while riding his bike.
2:34 – The Importance of Helmets & Bike Path Issues
- Joe discusses losing his helmet and the importance of wearing one, comparing it to a condom for safety.
- He highlights the lack of respect people have for bike paths, often blocking them and forcing cyclists into the street.
4:33 – The Bike Path Confrontation with “Dusty Rhodes”
- Joe recounts an incident where he passed a city bus on the inside lane.
- A woman, described as a “traffic cop” or “parking meter lady” (likened to a “black Dusty Rhodes”), got off the bus and ranted at him for about 60 seconds about bike safety.
- He admits he was “in the wrong” for passing on the inside but points out the bike path was blocked.
7:16 – Aftermath & Public Reaction to the Rant
- Joe describes how a crowd of “shirtless ripped guys” watched the incident, seemingly entertained.
- He reflects on the woman’s uniform, suggesting she works for the city, and theorizes she’s been hit by bicycles before.
- Joe emphasizes the importance of not “clapping back” at an angry “Brooklyn black woman who works for the city”.
9:25 – Other Incidents: Kid with Squirt Gun & Brick
- A story about a kid with a squirt gun picking up a brick to chase an older man.
10:29 – Hamptons Weekend Getaway
- Joe discusses his recent “one nighter” in the Hamptons at the Canoe Place resort, where he stayed in a waterfront bungalow.
12:14 – Planning a Psychedelic Concert Experience (Mumford & Sons)
- Joe mentions getting free tickets to a Mumford & Sons concert at Forest Hills.
- He decides to take “mind-bending psychedelics” with his wife, despite having a child.
- He describes the “weird system” for acquiring mushrooms through a friend named Ruby: texting a number within a 10-minute window.
16:19 – Mushroom Delivery & Ape/Monkey Discussion
- Joe recounts the mushroom dealer, a “scraggly looking motherfucker” with dreadlocks and a backpack, delivering a chocolate bar to his home.
- A humorous tangent ensues about Roseanne Barr and comparing George W. Bush to a monkey, leading to a discussion about the definitions and differences between apes, monkeys, and primates (monkeys typically have tails, apes do not; monkeys are generally smaller with simpler brain structures). Humans are classified as “great apes”.
21:50 – The Concert on Mushrooms & Forest Hills Venue
- Joe describes his “not a great idea” mushroom trip at the Mumford & Sons concert, feeling unable to relax or enjoy it initially.
- He and Mark discuss the Forest Hills venue, noting rumors of a “tough season” and attendance issues, though Mumford & Sons filled it up.
- Joe praises the Mumford & Sons lead singer’s energetic performance after losing weight.
25:13 – Unexpected Firefighters at the Concert
- Joe describes seeing six firefighters in full gear at the concert, observing them more than the band, and noting girls hitting on them.
26:18 – Reflections on NYC & Upcoming Events
- Joe reflects on the “great city” of New York, especially in the summer and fall, despite challenging incidents.
- He mentions the upcoming Free Blues Barbecue Fest at Hudson Yards and previous ferry trips.
28:35 – Sponsorships
- Factor Meals Sponsorship: Providing chef-crafted, dietitian-approved meals ready in two minutes, with 50% off and free shipping on the first box using code Tuesdays50off.
- BetterHelp Sponsorship: Offering access to over 30,000 licensed therapists, allowing users to switch therapists at any time for no extra charge, with 10% off the first month using code Tuesdays.
31:53 – The “Super Spreader Event” Party
- A party they hosted led to “half of New York City comedy” getting sick with neurovirus, diarrhea, and fever.
- Joe wonders if he was “patient zero” due to his own bout of watery diarrhea.
34:36 – The Football Incident with Salakuse’s Kid
- Joe describes playing football with Salakuse’s 10-year-old son, Charlie, at the party.
- Charlie kicked a football “175 miles an hour” directly into the face of an 11-month-old baby, which Joe comically compares to the JFK assassination.
- Joe then discusses Salakuse’s surprising sensitivity to being called “cheap” or “embarrassed”.
41:35 – Dave Matthews Band Concert & Parking Fiasco
- Joe recounts going to a Dave Matthews Band concert in New Hampshire and leaving after eight songs due to traffic and an early-waking baby.
- He describes a confrontation with an aggressive, bearded parking attendant who cursed at him and told him to “go back to New York”.
54:55 – The Grocery Store Coconut Water Incident
- While grocery shopping with his baby, Joe accidentally drops a chocolate coconut water carton, which “sprays directly” onto a black woman’s white clothes.
- He anticipates a confrontation but is surprised by her calm and understanding reaction, which he attributes to having his baby with him. He notes that having a child in NYC offers “wonderful attention” and “leniency” from others.
1:01:31 – The Soho Hobo & the $100 Bill
- Joe recounts seeing a “tranquilized hobo” in Soho staring at a $100 bill at his feet.
- He debates whether to take it, fearing it’s a setup or a prank, and ultimately decides to leave it.
1:04:36 – Plugs & Outro
- Mark and Joe promote their upcoming comedy shows (Austin, Denver, Fat Black Pussycat, Sesh), the Tom Dustin comedy special, and their respective podcasts and merchandise (Mark Normand Comedy, Funbearable).
Transcript
0:00
[Music] Hey, Mark. Fake banter for the intro. That’s all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here.
Welcome to Tuesdays with stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard.
And then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf’s up and she didn’t even flush.
Knock knock. Who’s there? Mark Norman and Joe Les. Yeah. This is Tuesdays with
stories, everybody. No, that’s terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.
[Music] My god, we’re back. Chuck, thank you so
much. Chuck’s doing a run to Starbucks. He’s a good man. He’s And he’s happy to do it.
He’s not being passive aggressive. He’s not rolling his eyes. He’s not going, “Yeah, yeah, sure, whatever.”
And uh he’s not paying for it. I offered him a grape soda. That’s true. That’s true. I should have
ordered four to hand out on the way back just in case you run into any trouble. Yeah. Yeah.
Okay. That’s how you start. That’s what you do out there, folks. It’s a It’s a beautiful neighborhood.
Very diverse. Oh, it’s diverse. It’s actually not that diverse. It’s black. It’s pretty black. Yeah. You could die.
And here. And then you just see whites with bike helmets walking out of these buildings and uh they get the hell out. Yeah.
The helmet’s not even for the bike. It’s just for the the attacks. Well, I just had an incident out there. I got a I got
Can I tell you guys something, please? Me beginning to ride bikes is a new chapter in this podcast history.
I’ve been doing it for years. It’s the best way around this goddamn hell hole. But I got nothing but stories. I just had a woman chew me out like [ __ ]
Earl Weaver. And she had a weave, by the way. She puts the weave in Earl Weaver. Yeah. Yeah. It’s already ordered, Chuck. It’s
waiting. Don’t forget to take the teaags out. Please. Pretty please. And don’t forget my lollipop. Yeah, I got an lollipop for him. And uh
the brownie is mine. Don’t touch it. Don’t sniff it. We got a couple brownies outside. Oh, a dozen. Baker’s dozen. Good luck
out there, Chuck. We’ll never see him again. He’s going to be a Chuck outline. It’s a lot of Chuck. Uh Rupert. Um
but anyway, so I’m riding this bike around just just now. This is hot off the press.
Exclusive. You heard it here first. Queuefs. Presses are hot. Uh Erica Badu just
stepped on Chuck Shu. Yeah. Bashu. Um I think he’s running for mayor. Bashu, I don’t know. I’m all over
the place. I liked it. Mom daddy. It’s okay. Um so I’m riding the ebike over here. First of all, I lost my
helmet for a period of time. I was devastated cuz you know me, I love this
helmet. You got to have the helmet. I’m wearing it on the rags. I’m wearing it here. I’m wearing it there. I’m wearing it everywhere.
Well, you put it well. You know, uh one 20 seconds, 20 minutes of looking like a [ __ ] could save your life. Exactly.
You you don’t want your son feeding you bananas because you’re like
Right. Right. But it’s similar to a condom. You know, you don’t want to put it on, but boy, it could really help you out.
Yeah. In the long run. Yeah. I could have used a few in my day. I never wore condoms. I got herpes and
warts. I heard about that. It’s rough. And a kid. Yeah. What’s worse? That we tried hard, but that was a
hottie. Um, hey. All right. We got one. But people, I’ve said this before, nobody ever made me wear a condom because they thought I
was like a dorky nerd beta coma, right? So they were like, “Oh, you don’t need a
condom.” And I was like, “Great.” And then I just spread diseases all over the world. Ah, it’s a shame.
Well, what can you do? Your wife’s clean. Oh, she’s clean as a whistle. So, there you go. As long as you’re keeping the house clean, you’re good.
Yeah. Not a spot on, not a drip. Uh so anyways, I’m riding the ebike over
here and this is what happens. I’m I’m over right down the street here in uh where it gets real spicy,
little hairy, and there was a bus. You know, first of all, it never occurred to me because I
never rode a bike around all that much. How little people respect the bike path.
Hate the bike. That’s why these cyclists get all uppidity cuz they’re [ __ ] angry. Yeah. Yeah. It’s I mean people stand
there particularly in certain areas. It’s the source awards out here. People who just stand in the bike path.
They they chat. They make it their home. They urinate in there. So, you got to go around the bike path.
You got to get in the street because people are blocking the path. Yeah. So, I’m riding and then there’s a bus, a
city bus in front of me and it’s just kind of stopped. And I see a there’s a
what do you call it? A seam where you can kind of go around. So, I’m passing the bus on the inside to be
fair. And then the bus starts moving and stops and the doors open. Uhoh. So, I stop cuz the doors open and out
steps uh a heavy. She looked like Dusty Roads. If Dusty Roads was black.
Oh, Dirty Roads. Yeah. Like uh Dusty Roads. Yeah. He had a manager. I don’t know.
You were never a big wrestling guy in the 90s. Really? He had some manager who
looked like him but a black woman. Oh, really? Yeah. I forget her name. Huh?
I can’t remember. It doesn’t matter. Some of them will write it in. But anyways, she wor she was like a traffic cop. Whatever the light blue I
don’t know if it was a parking meter lady. Sounds like a parking [ __ ] But she got off and I would I had
already stopped. I was just like here. She steps off and she’s like
you motherf you you bike people. Get off your bike. You I don’t want to hear no sorry. You hit me. Soon as that bus
stops, people are getting off the bus. You can’t be coming by here because people are getting off the bus. If you
see a bus stop, people are getting off. That’s where you head with a bus stop. But you you stopped. This went on for I’m not joking 60
straight seconds. I thought she was going to be done. Yeah. And you know, I mean, it’s a road game
for me. I can’t be like, “Well, listen here.” Right. Right. So, I just sat there and kind of bathed
in it. And because it wasn’t an incident, I just thought, “Well, this will be over in a
second.” Sure. Sure. You didn’t hit her. So, what’s the what’s the hub of? We’re done here. No. And I was just sitting there and and
I was in the wrong I mean, if we want to get fully technical, the bike path is
blocked by a bunch of parked cars. Got it. Got it. But, you know, you shouldn’t be going around a bus on the inside, but it’s a
red light. It wasn’t anything crazy. And I didn’t hit her. Yeah. Was your foot on the ground?
Foot was on the ground. If your foot’s on the ground, that’s a stop, baby. I mean, I don’t know the exact order of the thing. She might have
seen me feet not on the ground, but I wasn’t zooming. I mean, already I was passing a bus on the You check the tea
bags out. Wow. Good man. Good man. So, uh, ow me 20 bucks.
So, I was very slight. It wasn’t like I was like, “Oh, sorry.” Yeah.
And she kept saying, “I don’t want to hear your sorryries because that’s what you get.” And then she started doing an impression of somebody. She’s never
heard me talk. Sure. So she kept going, “So oh sorry.” That’s what everyone they all go, “Oh,
sorry. I don’t want to hear no sorry.” Oh my. I thought you were going to say Jack Nicholson or something. She just went into walking.
But I was like, “Okay.” I didn’t say anything. And then there was It’s a bus stop, so and a and a train stop and just
a street corner. So there’s like 30 people. None of them look anything like me.
And it was mostly men like shirtless ripped guys. And so I kind of looked at them. And they were looking at me like,
“Oh, I know exactly where this is.” Yeah. And I was like, I never said a word. I was like, “All right.”
Well, as a painful as that is, well, first of all, did you pop a boner? Cuz the last 20 years you’ve been talking about women yelling at you, how it gets
you hot and heavy. Well, I’d like a less heavy, more hot. Sure. Sure. Sure.
A little I’d like a fitter gal to yell at me and step on my dick and put a shoe in my ass. Got it. Got it. Well, I got to tell you,
as much as it sucks for you, you made those guys day. Hey, I mean those guys sit there shirtless in the heat. Hey,
thank you. Yes, new sponsor and uh they wait and wait and you are their entertainment. They
don’t have an iPhone. They’re watching for a honky to to stop short. Yeah, it was something. It was something
else. And uh I also had AirPods in which I shouldn’t ride with AirPods, but I wasn’t even listening to anything. I just had them in cuz I had them in
earlier. And uh it went on and she was doing the thing where she’s walking away still ranting about it
and she was in uniform so you don’t think of her as a crazy person like she works for the city which is not to say
you can’t be crazy working for the city obviously. Sure. Sure. Come on.
Yeah. She just kept walking away. Oh, I’m sorry. I don’t want to hear no saw reads. I evidently she’s been hit by
bicycles many times. Oh, that’s what it is. But I felt good. I just kept the whole thing. Okay.
Yeah, that’s what you got to do. smiled with my silly helmet and went, “All right, you play it right. You take the beating.” Cuz if you if you clap back
now, we got this thing, this lady. Keep going, mfer. Let’s see what you got. There’s that. And I I don’t want to
trifle with any woman, particularly a Brooklyn black woman who works for the city. She’s seen some [ __ ]
Yeah, she’s grizzled. Yeah, the post office. I go in. Yes, Sebast. I’m on my hands and knees doing the the bow. And
you know, I she had 14 people that I imagine wouldn’t be on my side very long
if I started being like, “Well, [ __ ] you, bitch.” But there are those people that do that. Yeah. Yeah, that’s true.
Thinking of Lewis and others. I don’t want to get too uh too revealing, but I saw a guy out here.
There was a little kid, little black kid with a squirt gun. He was squirting everybody. And this older guy, like a Middle Eastern guy, went up to the kid.
He goes, I was watching out the window and he took the gun and he’s like, “I’m taking the gun.” And he like threw the
gun, you know, 10 ft away and he’s like, “You got to respect your” And the kid was like, and he went and picked up a
brick and went and picked up a brick. Kid picked up a brick and went chased the guy and it was out of my view. I
couldn’t see. It was out the window, so I missed it. Wow. How old is this kid? I was
picturing six. Eight fat little eight-year-old. A fat eight-year-old got a brick and
chased a guy. I don’t know if he hit the guy. I don’t know if he built something out of view, but he was chasing him with a brick.
This is like Israel in uh Palestine out there. Yeah. Yeah. You got a guy, he’s shooting, and your
guy responds and it’s like, “Oh [ __ ] that got crazy.” Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. But it was black in Middle Eastern. No Jew.
Bless you. Wow. Well, I’ve had several bike incidents. I don’t know if you want to
hear others, but what have you been ask? I’m down. I’m down. So, I’m a little hung over, a little gay. We pushed it
last night in the Hamptons. Yeah. What was going on in the Hamptons last night? Just a one nighter. We do this place called the Canoe Place. It’s like a
little resort out there on the beach and uh the Queefs come out and get buck wild
and it was a hot show. Who’s we? Give me we give me typical. Uh I had Raj uh and the Tesla. We drove
out there and then uh Thought you had fun group. Ah well the the audience was fun. I see.
And uh yeah, we just I just got back an hour ago. You stayed overnight. Stayed overnight. They give you a
bungalow, Jerry. Whoa. Yeah. So I’m like, “Fuck it. I’m staying here. The baby’s uh at home. I get to
sleep in a little.” You know, the bungalow that you drive back. You bought Raj to a bungalow. Oh, yeah. I’m I don’t I don’t
discriminate in a bung. No kidding. What kind of bungalow are we talking? Waterfront. Uh waterfront overlooking the bay.
So I had to do it. And you get a free meal, which is why I took the gig. You like that meal, don’t you? Oh yeah. I put on last night and I slept
in it. And the show was great. They give you a couple of and you sit out and watch the water and
just drink heavily and then crashed and woke up and here I am. You got a good agent.
You think? Don’t you think? I’ll take it. I mean, every gig you got, you’re in a bungalow, you’re in Australia, your
father’s gay. I mean, this you’re living life. Well, Ari, you know, Ari is like my mentor. He’s like, I want to go to uh
Bangladesh for 6 months, set me up with a with a talk show out there, and he’ll go do the show in a in a hut in a kabutz
and bomb and do whatever he does, and then he just lives there. Yeah, that’s pretty smart. Where is he
now? Nobody knows. No one knows. He’s parts unknown. He’s He’s Bourdain.
Yeah, he’s got a bordane act. Hey, I don’t know. That was a stretch. Yeah, but uh I got a wacky one for you,
please. So, I got free tickets. Okay. To a concert. Uh, Mumford and Suns.
Where are you at on this? Oh, yeah. You asked me the other day and you said I saw the Mumford and Sons last night and I knew you weren’t a big fan
when you said the Mumford and Suns. Yeah. Yeah. I said he’s not the Mumford, right? He’s a Mumford. I think
people go I saw Bart Simpson. You You watch Bart Simpson, they throw a weird You watch the Seinfeld,
right? So, I saw the Bumpford and Son, but it was I only went cuz it was Forest Hills and free and free. Right.
Of course. So, I go I don’t know much about the band. It’s not really my cup of jizz. So, why don’t we uh me and the
wife, why don’t we take a couple of mindbending psychedelics?
You’re asking why don’t you? I got a couple answers. Please, let’s hear it. Well, you have a child.
Yeah, but it’s uh you get a sitter and you come back and it wears off. Yeah. Something goes wrong. It’s going
to be a little weird, but sure. Yeah. Take the mushrooms. All right. So, I go, “Huh? I don’t have any mushrooms.” How do you acquire
mushrooms? So, you text some of your crunchier friends. They go, “I’m out. I’m fresh out. I should have called me last week.” Ruby.
Text Ruby. Ruby’s got shoes that are made out of the same thing as this couch. Yeah. You see those shoes?
He’s a wandering Jew, that guy. He’s got a walking stick. He looks like the lead singer of a band of horses. He’s got a big hat that goes
around and he’s got like a necklace, fabricy shoes. He’s got a necklace,
a scowl. Yeah, he’s he’s he’s high, right? Was he high the other night? He’s always high, I think,
cuz Sarah was like, “Does Ruby hate me? Is something going on? Did he say something to you?” And I’m like, “I don’t think so. I think he’s exactly
normal.” She’s like, “I think he’s upset.” And I’m like, “I think he’s just stoned.” That’s Ruby. That’s his disposition. I think people that are high should wear
hats that say, “I smoked a little bowl.” That’s good. So that way you’re not going, “What’s going on? He’s not looking at me. He
doesn’t respond to me.” I Every time I think someone’s hated to me, I realize they’re on 75 kilos of weed.
Yeah. Yeah. It’s like an I voted. Give me a little heads up. Yes, I smoked. Some guys are [ __ ] and you go, “What’s
up with this guy?” Oh, he didn’t smoke, right? You know, like I don’t want to say any names, but if they don’t get their
toaroo, they are a [ __ ] of [ __ ] No, I do a podcast with him, Lewis, and Bobby. I didn’t want to throw it out there, but
yeah. So, uh, just kidding. So, I go, “All right, let me get these shrooms, Rubes.” And he goes, “Well, I
don’t have any, but I got a guy.” And I go, “Well, I need them by tonight because the concert’s tonight.” And he goes, “Okay, it’s a weird system. Here’s
the number. You have to text the guy. Text him my number, my name. I have to
text him your number and your name within a 10-minute window. I love this.” And then you get a text back.
Now, this is fun. This is I mean, this is good time living. I’m I’m a 41-year-old man going,
“Oh, baby.” It feels like you’re in on something. I want to see a short film about how this man came up with this system, how
and why. genius system. What went wrong? What went right? Who did he hear it from? Somebody? How did
he come up with the text me a number and you text the number in 10 minutes? And then is it a he? Is it a team? Cuz
the guy, whoever it is or gal is somewhere in a loft, who knows where the
Bronx and he’s got all these drugs and he’s got to get them out to the world and not get arrested.
Right. So, what he’s doing is highly illegal. Maybe I shouldn’t be talking about it. Well, you’re not saying his name. That’s true. I don’t even know his name.
He’s uh he’s in the ether. He’s with Kaiser Sosi. Yeah. So, we text
the guy. I get the thing back and all you get back is a menu. Just now you got magic mushrooms. You want
the caps? You want the chocolate? You want the bar? You want the stems? You want the whatever. And uh I was like,
“Oh my god.” I was like, “I’ll just take the bar.” And they go, “Okay, when?” And I go, “Right now.” And he goes, “Okay.”
And he goes, “Uh, it can’t be in a hall an alleyway. Can’t be in a street. It’s got to be in a house or an apartment.
No, no uh dumpster, wh house, outh house, crack house. It’s got to be in
the home. So, he comes into your home. So, May, the wife is taking the baby
somewhere in an Uber. So, I pick the the the crib up. What do you call it? The stroller. Pick up the stroller. I put in an Uber
and I see this scraggly looking [ __ ] white guy, dreadlocks, big
glasses and a backpack like out of uh you know one of these uh kids that goes
to to Mumbai to backpack in the mountains. Oh yeah, I did that in Peru. Oh yeah, huge backpack.
Big backpack. And who knows what’s in that [ __ ] It’s going to be shrooms and acid and coke and blow and
you know contraband. So he shows up and I’m like, “Oh, are you the guy?” He’s like, “I’m the guy.” And I go, “I’ll be
right with you. I just got to buckle this stroller in.” So now my baby’s like, “Who’s that smelly cunt?” And I
go, “Hey, just go inside.” So he’s inside my house. I’m putting the baby in. I run back up. I give him 50 bucks.
She gives me a chocolate bar. And that’s that. Wow. I think Roseanne Bar, good name for
a mushroom. Oh yeah, she’s crazy. Yeah, it makes you a little wacky. Yeah, she’s nuts. You start tweeting, “Hey, you look like
a monkey.” Boom. Sure. Rose mushrooms. I didn’t know the [ __ ] was black. That was her rebuttal.
Oh, that’s a pretty good rebuttal. Yeah, which if she didn’t know it was black, if she then I think she’s
scot-free. Well, hey, I’ve always said George W. Bush looks more like a monkey than any black person I’ve ever seen. The guy’s
dead on monkey. Yes, he does. You put George W. Bush next to a monkey. Twinsies.
Yeah. Yeah, he’s as white as uh Wonderbread. Dead ringer for an ape. So, I don’t know about which I don’t
know my monkeys. I’m so bad with monkeys. Well, it was a decent band. Gorilla, that’s another band. That’s the big thing.
Big silverback. Yeah. I think Ape is all of them. It’s like human. You got boy, girl, Chuck. You
know, those are all human. Isn’t there another word for all chimpan that’s a sect?
Chimpanzee sect. Monkey. Well, maybe monkeyy’s all monkey might be all
ape has to be a is a specific kind. Give it a goog there, chimp. I think
they’re not all apes. No, there’s another word. What’s another word that encompasses all of those? Mammal.
No. Isn’t there more specific? Uh, chimp. N word. I don’t know.
Monkey. Uh, gorilla. Gorilla. Yeah. Yeah. Chimpan.
Primate. Primate. But aren’t we primates? Yeah. But still. Okay. But no, you know, you know what I mean?
We’re part of that. We’re in the same family. Yeah. Ape, I think, is the orange one with the
long arms. Oh, I thought that was orangutang. Oh, yeah. That’s orangutang. Some crazy.
What’s an ape? Yeah, I thought ape was all Wait, planet of the ape. So, the ape is like a monkey. A bigger because monkeys
are little, too. That’s There’s a cat monkey or something like that. A spider. Spider monkey. Yeah, but ape is also a verb. He was
aping me. Meaning like mimicking me. Oh, you know, then his ape [ __ ]
Yeah, he went ape. Yeah, then his date ape. What do you got there? Uh, then his bathing ape. Have you seen
this? That’s a clothing line. I just I know cuz I just looked it up cuz I keep seeing Bape. Bathing Ape and BAP. It’s like a
Japanese clothing line. Bape statutory Bape. Bape pen. All I mean you’re right about primates
obviously. All right. Obviously. I’m always right. Kitten kaboodleoodle. Monkeys and apes are not the same thing
though. Okay. Oh, not not all monkeys are apes. Okay. Well, what do you got? So, what’s an ape? Give me a just Google
image me an ape. Yeah, I know what you know what an ape looks like. I know plants in the apes, but because monkeys can be brown, white,
gray, all over the place. So, what’s the difference between a monkey and ape? It’s like a dog. A dog can be a cocker
spananiel, a collie, a bassad hound, a wolf. A human could be a doctor, a vet, a
basketball player, a Yeah. scooter driver. See, this is interesting cuz like I
think that like orangutans are technically apes. Yeah, that’s what I was saying. I said that was an ape.
Well, just give us ape definition. Well, I mean, I think that they’re almost identical. It’s just like
ape has longer arms. Oh, interesting. An ape. Okay. Maybe ape soda.
I don’t know. I mean, I looked up are all monkeys apes. Uh, differences between monkeys and apes. Aha.
The primary difference is that primate. Oh, here we go. Monkeys typically have tails.
Oh. Oh, ringtailed lemur. Yeah. And uh apes don’t have tails.
No tail on the ape. Does a gorilla have a tail? Gorilla doesn’t have a tail. I don’t believe it does. It might have a little nub.
It also says uh monkeys are generally smaller than apes. Yeah, monkeys are little. Spider monkey.
Got it. Monkeys have a simpler brain structure than apes. Okay. And uh monkeys are found in both the old
world, which is Africa and Asia, and the new world, which I guess apes are not. Where’d you find this? The Bible. We’re
referring to it as the new world. Old Testament here. I don’t know why it’s called that. New world. But it says, “Apes are
further divided into great apes, which concludes humans, gorillas, chimpanzees,
bonobos, and orangutans.” So, we’re great apes. Wow. I like that. I’ve always thought you were a great ape.
Yeah, you’re a great white. Yeah, you’re a fantastic ape. Thank you. Okay. Are there bad apes? If there’s a
great ape, there must be a great Maybe. Have you seen those films? There’s some bad apes.
Oh, yeah. Yeah. They, by the way, they’re on like 38 of Planet of the Apes now. We’ve got Planet, Return of the
Planet, uh, Neighborhood, Apes. I mean, it’s all over the place. Yeah. I I can’t do it. I’m not into any
of it. I just don’t The first one even the 1960s H. Yeah. I couldn’t really get into that
either. They look so goofy. They’re like It’s like a joke. Dr. Zas, get out of here. Dr. Zas. Dr. Zas. Anyways, where the
hell are we? How do we get caught up on monkeys? So, we took the mushrooms. We went to the concert. And I got to tell you, not
a great idea. Yeah. I mean, I’m a shroom guy. I’ve never had a bad trip in my life. But you
get out to Forest Hills. It’s a [ __ ] hourlong ride out there. Took the LR, which was kind of fun.
And then we got there and we pop them. They take about 30 minutes to kick in. We get in the beer line and I’m I They
kick in and here come the Hey, Tuesday. Hey, Queef comedy. And you’re like, and
you’re trying to like comedy and you just can’t relax. And then you go into the concert, we’re on the GA,
we’re in the ground floor, and I’m just like, how how do people act? And the guy’s
like, “Hey, that that joke you did, whatever happened to that joke?” And I’m like, and I So I pounded like four beers to
get through it and then I had a great time, but Okay. initially not great. All right. Your, by the way, your wife
is living at Forest Hills. I saw her there three weeks ago at Dr. Dog. That’s true. Now, let me ask you this. Was it full?
because I’ve heard around the campfire that uh Forest Hills is having a tough season. Ah,
and I heard that after someone told me that and then I was like, well, Dr. Dog was half full. Oh, but I think it’s a it’s out in Queens.
Money’s tight. Yeah, it’s the summer of George or whatever. But they they filled it up the Mumford and Suns.
Yeah, they’re they’re pretty big. They uh they’ve been there for 20 years playing, they said, which is crazy.
What? Something like that. Give it a go. That can’t be right. Suns 20 years. They’ve been around.
They open for somebody there. Maybe. Maybe. There’s no way. 05 they were doing stadiums, right? It’s a small stadium.
It’s a small stadium. Trying to get so many seats. I think I knew this the other day.
11,000. 13. 13. Yeah. Which seems high. It looks like five to me.
Everything. Look, I’m the I’ve talked about this before. I am the worst at guessing attendance. And I miss both
ways. You think you would consistently miss one way. Sometimes I’m like, “What’s there 400 people here?” People
like that’s a thousand and I’m like what’s that 4,000? Like it’s 800, right? I’m the same way. You don’t want to do that with ages. You don’t go hey I
[ __ ] a girl last night. I thought she was 80. She was nine. Right. Do you have any guesses? You want to
guess what? How long Mumford and son’s been around? Oh, you’re talking total years.
I’m 25. I’m gonna say I mean I I’m a mess now
with anything after 2000. I don’t know what the [ __ ] going on. I’m gonna say they hit the scene in 0 Six.
07. Okay. So, how many? That’s 20. That’s 19. 18.
18. Okay. That was way off. Uh, wow. Well, good for them. I I only know a couple of the J. I never got big
into it. Didn’t they They did a movie where they’re all on a train. Them and a few bands. I watched that.
They’re very folksy. A lot of banjo. A lot of suspenders. I like that stuff. I guess I should do a deep dive. I probably would like them
more than I think. Very talented. Well, the the main guy was fat. That was like his thing. He’s the fat lead singer. And now he’s on
Ozepic. He looks like like a hunk. He’s like a rail, Jerry. And he ran all
through the audience. The place went nuts. It was great. He would run up the stairs from the stage and then keep singing. No breath, no nothing.
So you don’t think of a folk rock band running up the stage. You never see Garuncle like
she’s dying off, I think. Yeah. Yeah. So that was fun. Uh but how about this? So we’re in there. We’re
watching the band. I look behind me. Fire department. There’s like six firemen behind me. I’m
like, huh? And then you start thinking, are we going to die? Like, what’s what’s the what’s the the beef? What’s the
fire? Wearing coats and hats, like the full full gear, and you’re like, huh? And I’m on shrooms, so you just
start going. You’re like, maybe somebody had a heart attack. Maybe the place is on fire and there’s a terrorist attack. And uh it’s funny cuz they start just
kind of boopping along and girls are hitting on them. I’m watching them more than the show.
Wow. You’re watching the Watchmen. Yes, exactly. And uh yeah, we had a good a great time. I go, “Everything all
right?” One guy goes, “Yeah, we’re fine. Don’t worry about us.” Interesting. Did they have axes and hoses and stuff? Yeah, they had hoes. All right. A lot of
them. They were all over them. That was one of my first jokes. Firemen are like pimps. They’re nothing without their hose.
Hey, I like it. It’s not bad. Not bad. Yeah. Yeah. You can have it. 100 bucks.
It’s not my cup. But uh yeah, so that was it. We came home and we we threw the
baby down the stairs. Oh, nice. So, that sounds like fun. I love a night out. I love a Forest Hill. Anytime you go into a thing, it’s
exciting. Well, you forget, or at least I forget, how great the city is. You know, you get yelled at by a a heavy set woman of
color on the street. And then you go, “Fuck this town. It sucks. It’s a toilet.” Then you go like, I’m up in
Forest Hills. I’m on drugs. A guy brought him to my house. I’m watching firemen get laid. I’m listening to
music. Beautiful. Oh, it’s a great city. I love it. Especially in the summer. It’s the best in the summer and the fall.
Yes. Winter it gets rough, of course. Brutal. Everywhere is rough in the winter, but Yeah. Yeah, except Florida.
Yeah, good point. That’s why they go there. The entire south is pretty good during the winter. What am I talking about? California, too.
Yeah, south is thrives in the winter because it’s finally takes a breather from the [ __ ] humidity. Yeah, I’m way off. I guess just New York
sucks in the winter. Yeah, the Northeast. It gets dark at 4 p.m. is what I mean. But I always say the winter if you have
nature, it’s help. We don’t It’s hard to get to nature. Hard to get to natur
it is gloomy. It’s depressing. Uh, but boy, when it turns, it’s pretty great.
Like when you get out of winter, those first couple days of like, hey, it’s like 68. Yeah.
Hey, the sun’s shining. Hey, we got an extra hour. All that shit’s great. No, it’s fantastic. And tomorrow, at the time of recording this, free Blues
Barbecue Fest, Hudson Yards. Now, how does this work? Give me Give me a a rundown of this.
It’s free. You walk over there. Well, if you want to bring the whole family, we’re taking the boat. The boat lets you off right there.
What? You come to our househ. We meet over there. We walk to the ferry. We take the ferry.
Boo. Bam. Wow. Like the Gatsby’s. Well, the lady and the baby are out of town. I went to uh Portsmith.
Ah, Portsmith. Yeah. Which I love Portouth. I do, too. Well, then you you’d come. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I tried to uh Yeah.
All right. Sounds good. I took the ferry from Navy Yard to your house the other
day. Oh, that’s fun. Yeah. Yeah, it was like a 12-minute ferry and I took the boy. Uh, you don’t realize first boat ride. He’s like a
slave. Wait, when did you at the house? My house was with the boy. Huh? When we at my house? I didn’t go to your house. I just went
went to your area that off around Wall Street. Well, you could hit me up for God’s sakes. Wow.
Shoot me a text. Going somewhere. Jesus Christ. I live there. It was last weekend. Weren’t you on the
road? No. Oh, you came to my house? Yeah, I was at your house, you dizzy [ __ ] Well, I figured, hey, you’re coming over
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All right, back to the show. Yeeha! By the way, uh let’s talk about this
party cuz it [ __ ] wiped out half of New York City comedy. I mean, we had the Dallas Buyers Club in here. Everyone got infected. Everyone’s
sick. Super spreader event. Yeah. So, who is the source? And I got to say, I’m worried it was me because uh
I’ve had I had diarrhea for a few days. Oh, but not Barfy or sick. Just garden
variety meat and smashed potatoes diarrhea. But the boy of yours didn’t
get sick till after our party. So that makes me think it wasn’t you. Yeah. And he also barely got sick. He
like had a fever for a day and then he was 100% the next day. Huh.
So I don’t know what the [ __ ] happened to him. He was like fine. These other kids got all sick. My kid had the same thing. Fever and
weird [ __ ] Weird liquidy [ __ ] for a day. No liquidy [ __ ] And what did May have barf?
She had neuroirus. So that’s heavy duty. I think you had that once. I had it twice this year.
Yeah. And then Sam got annihilated. Sam got sick. But Ruby got sick. The Jews I I find it’s it’s a hard variable.
They’re not a good control group cuz they’re sick from a [ __ ] uh peck on the cheek. Right. But Ruby, Sam, all four children.
Salakuse. Salak’s wife. Oh, his wife got all [ __ ] up. Yeah. Yeah. Uh your you your boy uh my
kid. But my kid I think is separate. It was 3 days later and wasn’t any kind of
diarrhea, throw upy thing. The girl with the jean shorts and the fluffy hair, the brunette, she got real sick.
So, a hot one. She was pretty cute. Yeah. Yeah. So, everybody got sick.
Yeah. Well, not me, not my wife. Yeah. But I think this is where it helps to have the baby running around cuz I
didn’t even talk to anybody. I was chasing around the baby and I was smashing Charlie around. Yeah. You were having a great time and
you saved Charlie’s life because he was bored out of his mind. Oh, I had the time of my life with Charlie. And then
so Charlie is Salus’s kid, which by the way, I thought of the a great subject, speaking of Salakuse, for my next film.
Here we go. I love it. You’re like Tarantino. You want to hear the title? Yes. I was born here.
Ah, the Matt Salaku story. Oh, that’s good. Is that good or what? This guy, he’s
shooting Jay-Z. He He’s from Brooklyn. He looks like the ugliest pimp I’ve ever
seen in my life. Yeah, he’s got no hoes. He’s all He’s all photographs, movies.
He’s half [ __ ] Everyone’s got a story. Another title I thought was Salakuse R. Kramer. Yeah, that’s
which isn’t bad. But I think I was born here is better. Better cuz Kramer now now you implying he says the N word.
It’s a ref. Yeah, it’s a different reference. And he doesn’t really do this much. But uh anyways, he’ll slide in though. He will slide in
anything. He’s a fascinating character. But he brings this 10-year-old. He’s bored. So I grabbed him, started whipping him
around, gave him a handy. That’s big. And so then we had a little rubber football, a baseball,
I go, I forgot. All right, Charlie, let’s go. We’re running plays and doing the thing. Hit me. I’m going to do a over the fence uh
rob a home run, which was fun. We’re throwing balls and I mean, we really had we went ham. We had a great time.
John Ham. And then uh there was a little chewing ring because there’s all these babies running around chewing who
rings. There’s like what do you call that? A teething ring. Teething ring. So, I set up the teething
ring and I put the football in it like a tea. Yes. And I go, “All right, we’re special teams.” And I had my kid in my arms and
I go, “All right, on the count of three, let’s go.” And we run and he kicks off. He kicked this [ __ ] ball. Had to be
175 miles an hour. Oh, yeah. He’s a payle. six inches off the ground just on a line frozen rope
and it it just kind of slices and slice like a tractor beam right into an
11-month-old baby’s face. Gorgeous cute little blonde toddler with blue eyes just
bam. It was like the JFK assassination. A head like came clean off. We were picking up brain
pink mist. I mean it was like slow motion. his whole face and cheeks.
Couldn’t have been happier just sitting up by himself playing with a ring and then bam. Oh, it was ugly.
Perfectly centered like smash. And Matthew Thomas Crooks couldn’t even
gotten close to that. He hit the ear. This was like bullseye. And I was like, uh, [ __ ] Harry Dunn
and Dumb and Dumber. I was doing doing this [ __ ] or uh Lloyd Christmas, whoever. I saw Sus go like this.
Oh, he was horrified. Horrified. And poor Charlie, I felt bad. And I’m a piece of [ __ ] I was like, Charlie?
Yeah. Oh my god. Charlie did that. Sounds like the dad in Wonka.
Charlie. I was like, I can’t believe he did that. I had nothing to do with that. That was crazy. But yeah, I put it on a T. Was
like, kick it that way. We’ll run full speed. Crazy to kick full speed towards the group. Go towards the fence. Go towards
the uh behind you. Why are we going right into the tit? Well, the last thing you want to do is
kick the ball over the fence. That’s true. I’d rather get hit in the face and lose the ball. And um also, we were trying to kick it
long way. A kickoff. You know, you can’t do a short kickoff. It wasn’t an on-site kick. This was to start the game.
All right. Boy, that kid took it right in the [ __ ] grill. Well, you wonder where autism comes in.
It’s from getting pegged and beamed in the in the kisser. Oh, I didn’t know he pegged him after I
left. I’ll send you a link. Uh, by the way, the the the fascinating thing about a kid getting hurt because obviously you
love your child. You never want to get hurt if it’s sick. You feel horrible. You just want to take the pain and he doesn’t have to deal with it. So, this
kid gets beamed in the face. He’s 11 months old. He can’t talk. He can’t walk. He has no money. And yet, they
have to still be members of society and go, “It’s okay. Uh, you’re fine.” Even
though you could tell they’re like, “Oh, God, my boy.” They handled it very well. They really did. Then then they got
sick. Yeah. Maybe it was the ball. Maybe the [ __ ] was on the ball. Well, everybody licked the ball, kicked
the ball. I sat on the ball for a couple days. I wish my wife would lick the ball.
Yeah, that was uh that was quite a scene, I’ll tell you that. But what a great great kid. Sakus is a hell of a
father and a good man. Oh yeah, I like him. I asked him. I said, “Does anything hurt you?” Can because we had the discussion
on the last episode. Oh, we did a full rundown on that queef. But we said, “Does can you be hurt?” And
he texted me back like four days later. I forgot the conversation happened. That hurts a little. And he said, “If somebody said, “You’ve
embarrassed yourself. You [ __ ] embarrassed yourself.” He’s like, “That would hurt.”
And he said one time, like 20 years ago, him and a bunch of buddies were out to eat and uh they were like, “All right, we’ll
split the bill evenly. It’s whatever 80 bucks each.” And then he was like, “Well, I I didn’t even have a drink. I
had like two wings.” And then his other friend was like, “Sakuse is cheap.”
And he’s like, “That hurt.” So now that’s why he’s so generous. So we owe that guy. Wow. He’s not cheap at all. Every time I see Salakus, he shoots a
film for me and is like free. I know. He barely charges any money. I go out to eat with him once a week at a
diner. We have a weekly diner hang. And I always cover the bill, but he’ll throw in it’ll be 60 bucks. He’ll put a 20 in.
It’s the last 20 he’s got. It comes out of his pocket and a moth flies out. And I go, “Feed your kid.” Right. What are you? We’re buying pancakes
here. Yeah, he’s uh he’s a hell of a guy. He met me in Central Park the other day. It was very delightful.
Oh yeah, but everybody’s sick. I told you I went to the bodega. The wife was in bed like comeoma toast and she goes,
“Nyquil, I need Nyquil.” And I go, “I got you.” And I run out to the bodega. The guy puts it on the counter and goes,
“Everybody in New York sick.” And I go, “Thank you.” Oh, wow. Yeah. So, it’s it’s around. Well, I said
this we brought our baby to the doctor and she said um I she said, “Oh, there’s a new CO that
causes diarrhea.” And I was like, “You think I have CO? I’ve had diarrhea for eight days.” And she’s like, “You can’t believe how many people are coming in
saying they have diarrhea for eight days.” Oh, something’s going on. So, I might have been the source, but I felt like a hundred bucks. I just kept
taking watery shits. Interesting that you had the watery shits, but you still felt fine, cuz usually that’s a real symptom. Well, I
might have had bad spinach or bad chipotle or bad McDonald’s. Yeah. Yeah. Or bad [ __ ]
Yeah. Erica Badoo. So, yeah. I guess you were the uh patient zero or whatever they call it.
May I maybe it mutated, but I I was I had no sick days. Oh, yeah. I just had a watery dump.
Same. Same. Uh but yeah, so I took the baby to the doctor, too, cuz you I’m a
new parent. I’m newer than you. So, I I I panic and I go, “Let’s He could have uh scurvy. Let’s get him out there.
Right. And she goes, “Was he around a couple other kids?” And I was like, “Yeah.” She goes, “All right, that’s all it is.”
Oh, wait till the winter. I mean, the winter, the three of you just rotate being sick for six straight months.
Oh, god. It’s really up to you cuz they just every week and a half they recover and
then they go back and they shove everything in their ass and they get sick again. I guess it has to happen. They build the immunity and whatever. So,
it’s uh it’s goofballs. But also, I’m like, we have insurance. The doctor’s office is across the street, so you just
go, “Yeah, yeah, here you go.” And they go, “Yeah.” They tested him for the [ __ ] and they took his temperature and go, “All
right.” Yeah. The lady goes, “You didn’t have to bring any [ __ ] in, did you?” And I go, “No, I I didn’t think that was a polite
thing to do in society.” Bring [ __ ] in. She’s like, “You have a dirty diaper on you?” I’m like, “No, I tried to get rid
of that before I showed up.” Oh, what is she trying to bum a diaper? Well, she wanted a the the feces sample.
Oh, I see. I see. I thought she was like, “Hey, can I can I borrow my uh dirty diaper off you? I got a I got a
guy.” I don’t know. Whatever. I let her sniff my pinky. That was the closest I had. But uh yeah, she wanted to see the dump.
Um I got I got I got a couple other things. I got some more stuff as well. Well, I didn’t tell you about this. This
was 6 months ago, but I didn’t tell it in the last pod. Please. So, we got to Dave Matthews Band, which
I think we mentioned we left eight songs in. That’s a He’s a legend, this guy. Did we not talk about this?
No. I I don’t I don’t remember. DMB. Are you sure? I thought we talked about this a little bit. I think I would remember a little
Matthew. Well, whatever. We went to Dave Matthews Band. We left [ __ ] after eight songs cuz the traffic we were an hour away.
The baby wakes up early. And you’ve seen the guy 75 times over 50 years. I’ve never seen him.
That’s a hell of a show. That’s what I hear. Well, so we go there and
turn the memory positively.
Why? It’s a time. You got one of the worst voices in the history of voices I’ve heard. It’s
really really bad. Well, I’m not a singer. Yikes. My god. I mean, I’m not a singer, but I don’t sound like that.
Well, I upped it a little. I went Kermit the Frog on your ass. Oh, I I thought you were It sounded like a I wasn’t trying.
I see. Let’s see you try. Nah, I don’t know the lyrics. I to me,
he just sings in tongues, this guy. Then I look up the lyrics, I’m like, “Oh [ __ ] satellite. I had no idea he said that.” Well, he talks also like he talks
like Adam Sandler. His like rock talk between songs. He does like a Oh, it’s good to see you. Thank you very much.
It’s Yeah, it’s more like that. It’s like with Thank you. You look beautiful. I’m
doing like an Elvis, but it sounds more Sandlery. Interesting. Boo. It’s really [ __ ] horrible.
He’s an odd guy. What is he? Is he Massachusett? No, he’s South African. But then
Virginia. They’re from V. He went to UV. Uh, UVA, South A Charlottesville. They’re a big
Charlottesville band, but I believe he’s South African. Oh, that would make sense cuz he sounds like a [ __ ] doofus.
Yeah, he’s got a weird thing, but a wonderful singing voice. But he’s he’s a strange bird. He is. And half his band is black.
Yeah. Which explains the African. The whole damn band is white except for Jimmy. Um, what do you got there?
Born in South Africa. When did he move to America? Uh, 1986.
86. How old was he? He must have been 20. No, not 20. 15. 19.
Oh, I was close. Okay. How about that? South African. Like Sarah.
And Elon. Elon. Sarah. That Morgan Freeman guy. What’s his name?
Morgan Freeman. You know, the guy that was in jail then got out. You know the one. OJ.
Nelson Mandela. Oh, got it. Got it. Um, that was a Mandela effect.
So, anyways, so we go to see the show. Now, I’m from the 90s. The show’s 7:30
p.m. I don’t even think I just think we’ll get there at 8 o’clock. They probably come out at 9.
I’m used to I forget that we’re old now. And this is a gig in New Hampshire, which Seinfeld just played this venue.
It’s an outdoor venue up in like Laconia, New Hampshire. Way up in the lake. How many seats you think? Oh, here we go
again with the uh I don’t know, 10,000. Maybe 11. I’m thinking that’s a whopper. 8,000. I don’t know. We could probably
get a reading on that. Somewhere around 10 11,000 I think. It’s a shed. It’s called the Bank of America New
Hampshire. Bank of America New Hampshire Pavilion. Great artist name there. I mean that’s everything now.
But but we say that but also Wrigley Field is named after Wrigley Gum. It’s a [ __ ] Yeah. You know it’s a gum
or the guy that created it. Anyways, 11 thou 9,000 9,000 911. Never forget. And Seinfeld
just did it. Good for the sign. He still packs a punch. Um, so any farts, we’re going up
there and I’m thinking, yeah, we’ll get there at 7:50
probably. They come out because Rockstars, you know, they come out late. I’ve been seeing Pearl Jam my whole life. They come out at 8:55. Guns and
Roses comes out at 10:00 at night. No opener. There was no opener, which is a [ __ ] Oh.
So, we get up there. It’s like 7:30. We’re pulling up. I’m like, why is there no traffic here?
Where’s all the traffic? Oh, boy. I go, what the hell’s going on here? You just breeze through and it’s a weird
area cuz it’s the middle of New Hampshire. It’s like it’s not a city. No, it’s a lake and a thing and we’re
driving and I go, “All right.” And then it’s one of these weird things where I’m like, “Where the [ __ ] is the parking lot? It’s in the woods.”
So I’m taking a street and then another there’s a sign that says like parking this way and there’s not a bit of
traffic. No cars. And so then I have the thing, you know, I got a 2-year-old so my brain’s all mushy. I’m like, “Are we
here in the wrong nights? Did I [ __ ] up?” Sure. And finally, we’re driving down this street and there’s like one other
car over there and then there’s a big thing, a little sandwich board. I see a bunch of cars parked in grass and
there’s a sandwich board that says crew parking. Okay.
So, I go, “Okay, we must be getting close.” So, I drive past that and maybe I’m going to say 100 feet later, there’s
another entrance to this parking lot. Okay. So I pull right in and this old
man long beard Santa Claus zezy top beard. Sure goes, “Hey, what the [ __ ] are you doing?
The [ __ ] is this?” And I have said black woman. I stop. I go, “What?” I go, “Oh, like
right away I’m like, “All right, obviously this is wrong.” Yeah. He’s got an orange cone. He throws it in front of my car and he’s like, he’s
doing this. Oh jeez. And I go, “All right, sorry.” And he goes, “What the [ __ ] are you thinking?
What is this? Jeez, I hope you’re wearing your helmet. I roll the window. I go, “Are you all right?” Yeah.
And he goes, “Fucking turn.” Oh, [ __ ] New York. Go back to [ __ ] New York. Oh, he got you on the plates.
And I go, “All right, dude.” I’m like, “Are you are you okay, sir? What’s going on?” He’s like, “Does this look like a
parking lot? It looks like the woods.” I go, “Yeah, literally.” I’m like, “I I can’t
tell if you’re joking, right?” I go, “It’s a parking lot.” And he’s like, “You didn’t see the sign? You see the sign?” I go, “Well, I saw a sign
that said crew parking. It was back there and then there’s another entrance. I thought this is a different
entrance.” Sure. And he goes, “Uh, follow the traffic.”
I go, “There is no traffic.” Yeah, there’s no cars. I’m the only car. Sure.
And he goes, “Yeah, all right. Fuck.” I called him wise butt at one point. That made Sarah laugh. I go, “Okay, wise butt.” I forgot how it I wish Sarah was
here because I forgot how it started. It was a month ago. What the [ __ ] did he say? But he literally said, “Does this look like parking?”
Yeah. And I go, “Why are you being so aggressive?” He goes, “Because you’re being a jerk. What did I do?”
And I’m looking at And Sarah gets nervous when I get into these looking at her like, “Can I have permission to
And I go, how am I a jerk?” He goes, “Fucking go back to New York. Go back to New York.” Wow. This guy’s got a prejudice.
I’m like, well, first of all, I’m from New England, right? And I haven’t even done anything yet.
All I did was pull in. You could e just as easily be like, “Oh, no. This isn’t it.” Yeah. Exactly.
And I’m turning around. It’s not like I’m like smashing cars and throwing dog [ __ ] at him. And then I was pulling away and he’s
like, “Give me the finger.” Yeah. Yeah. He’s like doing this. Give me the finger. It was the craziest. Wow. What’s up with this bearded guy?
He’s supposed to be crunchy free love with a hacky sack. Well, I think I don’t know. He’s sad. And then as I was pulling away, I’m
like, “I’m sorry about your life and job, sir.” There you go. That felt pretty good. And then the whole concert I’m like, “What am I going
to say when I drive back past this guy?” Yeah. But he’s going, “Follow the traffic.” I’m like, “Literally, there’s no
traffic. Nothing you’re saying makes sense.” He’s like, “Does this look like a parking lot?” I’m like, “There’s 300 cars parked here,
right?” Wow. What a kook. He’s like, “You didn’t see the sign?” I’m like, “I saw the sign and this is a different The sign was in front of a
driveway.” Yeah. This is the next place. Weird. So, whatever. He was That was crazy.
Jesus Christ. Boy, you got a face. your your face is starting a war. Well, they think they can push me
around, but you know, I don’t think so. Well, they heard all that [ __ ] talk about how you want to get [ __ ] on.
God, do I ever. So, we end up going to the real parking lot and I’m still
fuming. My heart’s racing. Now, we find there’s a couple cars waiting in line. I look, the parking lot’s full. There’s 50,000
cars. I’m like, there it is. Oh, boy. We’re We’re like late. This is crazy.
Yeah. You’re missing ants marching. So the guy goes, uh, well, he’s one of these guys that doesn’t play that stuff anymore. It’s all like the new [ __ ]
Oh, get out of here with the new [ __ ] It’s a new world. It’s a great Simpsons joke. Jackson Brown go, “I’m going to play a new
song.” He goes, “Boo.” And he goes, “Just kidding.” Um, so
then I get up there, now it’s like a young kid, like a teenage New Hampshire kid, and they go, “Just to let you know, I have no idea where you’re parking.”
And I was like, “Oh boy, oh boy. Dave Matthews has changed. Back when I was bagging, that was a it was melody, free love, good
time vibes. Well, these guys work for the venue. These are just New Hampshire maniacs. That’s a good point.
So, I go, “Okay.” And this is after I paid. I paid like $40 or whatever. He goes, “I got no idea where you’re
parking.” And I’m like, “Okay.” And then I go, “Does somebody have an idea where I’m parking there? I don’t understand.”
Right. You work here. I don’t. So then the other guy goes, “All right, just go that way. Follow this car.” I’m like, “All right.” Again, with the
follow the traffic. We’re driving. It’s just miles of cars. Then we get all the way down to this corner in the woods,
mud, and the guy’s like, “Uh, my boss is telling me he wants you to park over here.” And it’s like the land drops off.
Like it’s everyone drives trucks up there. I’m in a Nissan Sentra. So I’m like, “All right, you think I’ll
be able to get out of there?” He’s like, “Uh.” He doesn’t go, “Of course.” He’s looking like this.
I think so. I don’t know if you had the suspension for this. What? And I’m like, “Okay, well,
what do we do? What do I do?” And he’s like, “Well, I think you can get out. I think I think you’ll be able to.” So, there’s no real answer.
This is kooky. And I go, “Okay.” So, I park like the grass is like across the frame of my
car, whatever you call the bottom of the car there. Sure. Sure. And we park and I’m like I’m looking around and I’m like, “This is going to
take us a week to get out of here.” Mhm. We end up parking in this weird spot. Go
to the show. We watch about eight songs and he buzzes 20 minute jam sessions and I’m like let’s go ahead and get out of
here. So we got a we got a bite on it. We got a feel for the vibes. Did you buy the who was it? $800 ticket
here. I mean it’s like 140 bucks or something like that. And you’d see eight but this is the thing. It’s an hour from the
campground and then the baby at that point was waking up at 5 a.m. cuz we were camping. It was all
wacky, right? So you also just want to get out for a little bit and have a time and I saw the
songs. I get it. All right. Eight songs. What does that equal? About an hour. Probably about an hour. Hour plus,
maybe. All right. Well, that that’s a lot. That’s substantial. But it was also one of those things where you’re like, we’re an hour from the campground and if we wait, it will
take us legitimately two hours to get out of this [ __ ] venue. It was like one road out of the woods and uh but it
was fun. How was the people watching? I mean, we get some Birkenstock, some hemp necklace. Uh what are we talking here?
Well, this is always the way, too. You get in the row and you’re sitting there and then now we’re old and exhausted
because literally he’s waking up at 5 a.m. It’s 10 p.m. So I’m like sitting during a slow song and I feel like a jackass sitting during
a concert and this lady comes over. She’s two seats down. She goes, I got to ask. You’re Joe List, right?
Hey. And I go, “Yeah.” She goes, “My husband’s the biggest Tuesday ever.” And I feel like a schmuck cuz I’m like
sitting like this at the concert like I just want to rest and I’m like, “Oh god, now I feel like I have to be
Yes. Oh. So now the next song I’m like woohoo right cuz she’s watching you. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, she’s watching me.
Watching the watchers. Uh but anyway, so there was a fan tube seats over and yeah, it was pretty good.
It was fun. Good time. But the parking guy, I don’t know what’s going on with that guy. He’s got a sad existence.
I don’t care for that guy. I picture the guy in Lord of the Rings with the long beard and the axe. I don’t know why. Just I don’t know if you’ve seen the
film. I haven’t seen the film, but I think I know the guy with the big pointy hat. Yes. Yes, the hat. Isn’t that what’s his name? Sir or
something? No, no, that’s Gandalf. I’m thinking of the guy with the axe. Give me give him a goof. Lord of the
Rings axe guy. I think his name’s like Gargaml or Gareth or something macho.
How about the people that say the sir earnestly? I saw Sir Elton John. Yes.
You go. We don’t say the sir. We’re Americans. Yeah. You see Dame Judy Dench. Shut up. It’s Judy Dench.
Yeah. It’s the same Judy Dench. Gimley. Gimley. Gimy. There you go. Oh, guess Walt Gimy.
So, yeah. Wow. We’ve been seeing some shows. We’re We’re living life. Oh, yeah. I’m I’m going to see X and Loss Lobos at Town Hall. I [ __ ] can’t
wait. Latin X, huh? What’s X? That’s good. Latin X. That’s very good.
Thank you. All right. Okay. Now, how about this? Now, you had I want to give the uh Afroamericani some
love because I feel like we come down hard on the uh Browns. We don’t come down hard. We We joke around.
We’re joking around, but we we they’re the butt of the joke quite a bit. They’re coming down on us, by the way. I’m riding my bike. This lady’s telling
me she doesn’t want to hear my sorry. Stuff my sar’s in a sack. That’s true. I love a good sari. You want to hear a sorry. She’s off.
I love a good black. There goes two of them right there. Uh, back to back. Back to black. Back black Sabbath. All right. So, um,
I’m paranoid, but uh, there goes a war pig. [Music]
Uh, all right. This is a crazy train. But so, uh, later we’ll get on one. So,
wait, what the hell was I talking about? Oh, on a Happy Black. So, uh, I go, you
know, the wife is sick. She’s laid up. She’s got the neuro virus. She’s yakking. She’s got the bucket by the
bed. The bucket by the bed is the nail in the coffin. You’re [ __ ] One of my favorite novels, Bucket by the
Bed. Sure. Sure. By Yeah. Yeah. He’s good. Um, so, uh,
it’s got the bucket by the bed. She’s like, “I need this. I need that. And the baby needs this. The baby needs that.” So, I’m like, “Okay, let me take the
baby. I’ll I’m on full duty. Let me take the baby. We’ll go to the grocery store. She needs Pedialyte. The baby needs
coconut water.” Whatever the [ __ ] it is. So, I go out there and I’m looking at the coconut water cuz I Googled this is
good for dehydration. Okay. I don’t know. I don’t care for this stuff. You ever drink it? I’ve drinking coconut water like in
Hawaii from a coconut. I like that. Oh, that’s good. Yeah. I know. The box of coconut water. I don’t really care.
You might like it. It tastes like semen. Okay. So, throw in my back. I’m I’m I’m up on the shelf. I got the
baby here. I’m a [ __ ] in the uh the uh grocery store cuz I don’t like to get the basket. I just go in and get [ __ ]
I’m this guy. Uhhuh. I don’t know if that’s an ego thing or a man thing. Like, I can handle it. Yeah. You feel like a homo with the
basket. I hate the basket. So, uh basket case. So, I’m I’m reaching for the coconut and
there’s now there’s chocolate coconut water, which I didn’t know about. So, I’m reaching and one of the chocolate
coconuts falls off the top shelf. Bam. Slams on the on the ground and just
sprays because it’s one of these [ __ ] queefy hipster cartons that’s made out
of uh, you know, pubes and and hemp. It’s like Matt Ruby’s shoes. Yes, exactly. Like Tom’s makes this
[ __ ] you know? I hate Toms. So, yeah. Suck it, Tom. I had a stick of Tom’s deodorant. People
were throwing up every time they saw me. What’s that made out of? Muslim snot. I hate that [ __ ] It smells weird. It
doesn’t work. So, the thing slams on the ground. It’s like slow motion cuz they I’m in the stop and shop, which is, you
know, it’s kind of like uh the black hole foods. Ah. And uh so I go, okay. Boom. Hits the
ground and just it was like spin the bottle. It was pointing directly at a
black woman and just nails her with the chocolate milk. Oh boy. Like boom. What What do you call that?
Uh, projectile. Ah, projectile chocolate coconut. That’s what I called her. And uh, it hit her.
She’s wearing a white shirt and and white kind of pants, gray pants,
just speckled everywhere with the black uh, with the brown coconut water. Oh, Jesus.
And I go, here it comes. I mean, you know, I want to hear you’re sorry. Yeah, I was waiting. I was like, I’m
about to get an earful. I mean, the outfit’s ruined. I’m a white guy. I’m I’m gentrifying. I’m I’m a slave owner,
whatever it is. So I’m like, here it comes. And about you, Chuck, huh? Oh, yeah. So then she goes, “Uh,
what are you going to do?” And I was like, “Wow, well, let me let me get you some paper towels. Let me get you some paper
towels.” She’s like, “I got some.” And I go, “Uh uh, no, no, no.” I’m
panicking. I’m like, “No.” I run to the front. I leave the baby. I run to the front desk. I drop everything. I have all the registers. I find a roll of
paper towels randomly. I come back with the roll. I’m like, “Here you go.” I give her 80 bucks. I blow her. I eat her
some grape soda and some cool cigarettes. Exactly. Yeah. I gave her some uh cognac and uh
Yeah. And uh she was like, “No, it’s fine. It’s coming out. Look at that. It’s coming out.” And I was like,
“Okay.” I was like, “Can I buy you groceries? Can I uh put you in the United Negro College Fund? Whatever you
need.” And she was like, “No, I’m good.” And that was it. I left. Wow. I was terrified, but it No, it’s uh
you can’t judge. Well, here’s the thing. You got that baby. This is why I really treasure having a
child because you get wonderful attention. Everyone’s smiling, winking,
high-fiving. They’re happy to see you. They give you leniency. It’s unbelievable. It actually having a child
in New York City has given me hope for humanity. Wow. Because everybody, every Tom, Dick,
and Harry holds the door, lets you go in front of them, they go, “I know.” You get head nods, they they hand you stuff.
It’s a very special feeling. You got a baby. She’s thinking, “This is a [ __ ] guy.
He’s obviously never been on his own with the child before. He didn’t mean to spill milk. He’s got a small dick. He’s
half gay.” Yeah, exactly. You get If it was just you, she would have called uh, you know, the police.
Well, maybe not the police, but she would have called somebody on you. Yeah. Ice. I don’t know. But yeah, I
think you got something there because who gets better treatment in the world than a pregnant lady? Take my seat. How about a free dessert?
You want an upgrade on this flight? Everywhere I go and when my wife is pregnant, I was I was it was like I was
with Queen England. Come on in. Oh, let her go first. What are you crazy? Take my seat, ma’am. You know, same with the baby. You got the baby.
They go, you guys go. Go ahead. We don’t care. It’s It’s quite delightful. It’s quite delightful. And I’ll throw
you another one, Fatty, just to prove your point. I’ve been opening my sets with so my baby my baby and I can tell
I’m more in you know you don’t have to earn it as much so they’re like oh he’s all right he’s got a baby that’s there’s a
subconscious there no people get it and I’m texting everybody I know four five days after
they wrote to me I’m like I’m sorry the baby and they’re like hey no problem that’s the other thing I can’t imagine
right right you’re like ah it’s pretty great actually it’s kind of like it’s a little off but that Alec Baldwin scene in the departed
where he’s like Yeah. You get married, people know someone can stand you for a day. You’re not a [ __ ] you know. Same
with a baby. Like people people know you’re decent. Yeah. I guess even might not be. Yeah. A lot of horrible parents out
there. That’s true. Guilty. Uh so uh yeah. So I I I got out of there
scot-free. I couldn’t believe it. This lady looked like she got hit with a [ __ ] You know when the bank the bank robbers leave and the [ __ ] explodes. She
looked like that. I always like that sound. Love that sound. They got there’s a name for that. That case of cash that pops.
Ink pop. Ink pop. Ink ink blot. Ink something. Ink. Uh, inky dinky.
I know. Ink. No. Crazy ink. One. One in the pink. One in the ink. I can’t remember. But uh, yeah. So, got out of
there. Now, how much time we got? Because I got one more little nugget. Four minutes. Nugget it up.
I’ll nugget it up. Chicken nugget. Oh, dack. Die pack.
Die pack. Pack. Yeah, I think that’s my Indian Indian neighbor. Um, so how about this?
This is one of the one of the alltime head scratchers. What is what I’m about to tell you.
Oh, okay. I can’t wait. I die pack and I was like, not all time, but I didn’t get it. So, I’m walking down in Soho. I got the
hobo clocked on my on the street. So, hobo.
So, I got the hobo uh 10 feet away. I’m walking towards him and I go, “Oh god.” But he he’s he’s out of it. He’s one of
these like tranquilized hobos. He’s just kind of like this. He’s leaning up against scaffolding like that. And I go, “Ah, this guy’s no no
problem.” So, let me walk past him. He’s staring at the ground. So, I’m like, “He’s probably cracked out or on
something fentanyl.” I look down like, “What the hell is he looking at?” There’s a $100 bill at his foot. A $100
bill. Not a dollar, not a 20. A hundo. A sawbuck. A cnote.
Cnote. So I go, your first thought is like, “Oh my god, it’s a $100 bill on the ground.”
You know, I I go full Greenberg and I Well, you I picture dropkicking him in the chest and taking it, shoving your
[ __ ] and running. Well, that’s my first instinct, but then I go, “No, this is this is too easy. This is a setup.
It’s got a fishing rod. We got what’s his name?” Johnny Knoxville on the other end of the road.
Hey, my name’s Mark Nor. Welcome to Jackass. So I go, this is crazy. I don’t know if this this I’m going to
go for this [ __ ] C note and he’s gonna hit me with a wrench, right? So I I just keep walking. But what do
you make of that? Oh, that’s the whole story. He’s just staring at it. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know if I should take it. I know if I should go, “Hey,
hey, you got you got you getting this? You need a hand? What do I do here?” I would have picked it up, ripped it in half, given him half, and taking the
other half. That’s not bad. Everybody wins. No, I don’t know. I mean, it feels like you might have been on one of those
shows doing the right thing or whatever it’s called. The Jokers. Yeah, one of those shows where they do the thing or or or like I
said, it’s attached to a fishing line and you go to get it. It’s like and then you chase it. I scan the area. There wasn’t a van with
a camera. There wasn’t three Puerto Rican guys going, “Can you believe it?” You know, there was none of that. And uh
I looked around. No fishing line, no nothing. It was just a hobo staring at a hundo. Well, Soho, I’m sure hundreds are
dropped all the time. That’s a very uh uppidity, super rich neighborhood, I guess. So, but
the richest maybe, right? Maybe it was a a setup like a show, but easily, you know, you could have
Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen or Heath Ledger walking around dropping hundreds. Not likely with the second guy, but
yeah, I know what you mean. So, I I just kept walking. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done to leave that. But I didn’t trust this guy.
Yeah. Well, I hope he got it. I hope so, cuz the guy could barely he he was frozen in fentanyl.
Of all the neighbor I feel like you’re not going to get a lot of help in Soho. It was right off Hon and Lafayette area.
Okay. Yeah. It feels like if you’re a hobo, you got to get out of there because they’ll shoot you. It’s all Soho’s,
you know, uh, high-end everything. I feel like that they got security and all that stuff. They’ll come in and cuff
you. Yeah. Well, if I would have had my helmet, I could have just gotten in there, taken it, and taken the
hit. Yeah. Well, next time. Next time. Uh, so yeah, this city is full of surprises, twists and turns. You
never know when a hobo is going to have uh money on them. All right, let’s do some plugs here. What do I plug it up?
No, I Hold on. People, they don’t listen to the plugs. It hurts my feelings. Hair plugs. Here we go. Hair plugs. Hair plugs. All
right, Austin. September 5th through the 7th. Mothership. That’s going to be a
good time. Oh, that’s going to sell out like that. Oh, yeah. It hasn’t already. Luke Bonus is down there. Karen’s in
town. Sarah will be there. The baby. We got a We got a gang out there. That’s going to be a good ass time. Uh, Denver
Comedy Works. Oh, September 11th through the 13th.
Oh, fill that thing up for God’s sakes. How about this? I’m staying in Austin till Tuesday, flying back, but I I forgot I
have to do Denver a day early to do media. So, I’m home for 20 hours. What?
Yeah. What is this? 1981? Well, I offered and they were like, “All right, we’ll take it.” You offered.
I know, but the hell, Nick Offerman. Well, I got to keep people in my good graces. Uh, vice versa. Omaha this
weekend, I believe, right? No, Omaha was last weekend. [ __ ] me, boy. Take it. You got a good agent.
These are top-notch clubs you’re cooking on, fatty. And Omaha. Um,
I like Omaha. Oh, I love it. I love Colleen. I don’t hit there, though. I don’t uh sell tickets in Omaha. I mean, I sell like
Nobody does. 200. I don’t sell a thousand. Anyways, uh Fat Black Pussycat, I’m doing an hour there on the 21st of September. That’s
fun. August 27th, I’m doing the show at Sesh. That’s always fun. Oh, killer. And also August 27th, the Tom Dustin
portrait of a comedian comes out. It’s going to be on punchuplive.com for like five bucks, I believe. Get it.
Steal steal of the century. Totally worth it. Tearjerker, funny,
interesting, poignant, great, great flick. And we there’s a shitload of bonuses. I did an audio commentary yesterday,
deleted scenes, Tom standup. So get go the extra three bucks and get all the
goodies. And Tom’s hilarious. So, you’re going to want to check out that comedy. I told you, Bill Burr texts me. He’s like, “I can’t stop thinking about this
movie.” A month later. Oh, put that on the box. I might put it right in the box. Did I do the box? No box. No box. Okay.
And join the Patreon for God’s sakes. We have children. Yes. Yes. Uh, I’m all over the road. Coming to Boulder, Colorado, Baltimore,
Huntsville, Hattisburg, San Jose, San Diego, District of Columbia, DC,
Chocolate City. Uh, some other dates. Marknomen comedy.com. Mark Norman punchup. Buy
some bodega and uh some big big things in the works. Oh, baby.
I’m just putting out seeds. I’m planting. I love a plant. Ah, may planter. I got a piss. What do
you got there? Chuckles. Check out my podcast, Funbearable. Uh, we have new merch, which is narroantic
beer and a fun bearable collaboration. Hot dog. It’s the hot dog can. Oh god.
It’s the hot dog can. And there’s a big running joke in the podcast. You’ll have to watch it. But uh yeah,
smell like a hot dog. Smells like Tom’s. Yeah. Narroance Beer made the can for us. They offered
fun. And inside of it is a hot dog scented candle. Now, is this Steve Dave on the front? No, that’s Brad. That’s my buddy.
I know. I’m joking. I know Brad. I thought he died. Yeah. Well, yeah. Good. Really cool. Very, you know, big thanks
to Naragansit. But check out funbearablepod.com for the live show where we announce this and blah blah
blah. I got to pee. Thank you. See you in the house. [Music]